"Critics immediately noticed the show's schizophrenic nature.  Some days she wanted to entertain you, other days enlighten you.  Some days she wanted to make you mad, other days she did so unintentionally.  It was never clear what the thing was really all about...."

     There's probably a lesson for me in there somewhere.  I just haven't been able to figure out what it is yet....
     Neither has Mahatma Abraham Chiang.

     Weak-minded long-term readers unskilled in the art of healthy repression will recall that Mahatma Abraham Chiang used to be my favorite newspaper columnist back when he was writing for my paper's Theological Sports section.  Alas, Mahatma was fired for obvious drug use soon after I started this journal, but take care - excessively clumsy Web surfing might still get you caught in the undertow of my woefully inadequate May 16 or May 30 attempts to capture the genius/hallucin- ations of this man.

     Overcoming my old fear of disturbing such a great figure in any way, I called him up at 4 this morning in hopes that he just might be able to give me some insights into the above quotation - at least after he got his teeth in, if not before.  I was pleasantly surprised when he answered on the first ring and turned out to be eager to talk.  That he never once mentioned the above quote did little to diminish the joy I felt just listening to him speak again - especially after he found his Super PoliGrip.

     "Repeated confrontations over public school student-led football skirmishes  at the start of church services have left the line separating church, sports and state as contested as it has been in years," Mahatma began in lieu of "Hello" - and who was I to argue since I was calling him collect?
     I vehemently nodded instead.
     "The courts have ruled that such skirmishes would be unconstitutional were they led by a teacher, a coach, or any other adult who actually knew what they were doing, but that since it's the kids who are taking the initiative, there's nothing you can do without running the risk of them hitting you or ceasing to consider you their friend.
     "There's an obvious flaw in such reasoning, of course.  If football really is the one true American religion as so many seem to think it is, should we really be leaving it in the hands of unsupervised juveniles?  On the other hand, if what kids want to do is so dang important, why don't we let them run everything?
     "This church skirmish thing is just one aspect of an ongoing culture war, of course.  There's also the battle over state tax subsidies for stadiums that primarily benefit wealthy team owners and players who have pledged allegiance to a particular league or division rather than society in general.  And there's the ongoing debate about public schools using state and federal funds to constantly promote their own peculiar sports teams rather than recognizing the merits of every team in the state or country equally or just teaching about  the one which has been scientifically determined to be the best.  Think about it.  What message does a pep rally that celebrates a group of players who just happen to share a common local locker room really send?  That it's ok to be provincial and cultist even when other, better players are out there who are more deserving of your attention, adulation, and sacrificial homecoming queens?"
     I nodded vehemently some more, happy to have finally found an exercise even I can do without breaking a sweat.
     "I know they say that kids who think sports are nonsense are free to go stand in the hall during these rallies if they want, but what fun is that when the cheerleaders pretty much reserve their skimpy outfits for the gymnasium and the stadium?  And if you happen to be a big, dumb kid, forget it - peer pressure will virtually force you to become a team member regardless of what your personal inclinations might be."
     I began to rock my head back and forth at this point while continuing to nod it, just to see if I could.  Success!
     "And then there are a host of other issues.  Is it really permissible for a publicly-funded school cafeteria to launder team jerseys in its dishwasher?  Should the government really be giving college scholarships to any athlete so long as there is one academically gifted student who can't afford higher education?  Are we going to continue to permit rural communities in Ohio and other alleged places to make an end run around certain Supreme Court decisions and get public education funding by simply covering their basketball teams with a thin veneer of classrooms and textbooks and calling the result a school?  Well - are we??"
     "I wish I knew," I said, admittedly a bit distracted at this point by the not entirely unpleasant sensation of my brain sloshing back and forth against the inside of my skull.
     "Of course we could do what the Europeans have done and completely sever all connection between sports/religion and our system of education, but I don't think tackle-addled American minds would stand for it even if we were to finally recognize their constitutional free speech right to kick a soccer ball against the altar during particularly boring homilies.
     "Personally, I think the Europeans are on to something with their idea that schools should be for education, period, but then what do I know?  I was raised by a pack of wild philosophers  who had never heard of Moses, Jesus, or even Michael Jordan.  All I know for sure is that the minute the Old World dons decided to take a decidedly neutral stand towards all sports, that was the end of the fights between those students who wanted to play football and those who wanted to play basketball, soccer, baseball, chess, or bet their lunch money on the horse races one teacher permitted in her classroom under the guise of 'Biology.'"
     "Well, I'm personally waiting for the day when the churches will recognize the right of their parishioners to start the services off with a moment of silence in memory of all those species which gave up their lives and went extinct just so we might evolve in their place," I commented between head nods, rocks, and a few actual bobs.
     "Oh, let's get ridiculous!" Mahatma declared, slamming his phone down so hard his teeth popped out despite the Super PoliGrip.
     "If only he could talk in terms so simple, even I could understand them," I thought to myself with a brain still mostly happy, though somewhat bruised.  "Guess it just isn't my week to understand anything much at all...."