Bartlett's Familiar Quotations : A Collection of Passages, Phrases, and Proverbs Traced to Their Sources in Ancient and Modern Literature And Assembled In This, Our 16th Edition, Just To Prove Once Again That In Over 4000 Years Of Written Human History, No One Has Once Said Anything Memorable About Dentists.

- Amazon.com's description of one of my favorite books

     I got a postcard in the mail today.  At first I thought it was a reminder from my dentist for my semi-annual cleaning.  Then I thought it was a summons for jury duty.  Then I saw that it was actually a summons for jury duty from my dentist.
     Ack!
     I remember the last time this happened.  It was two or three years ago and I ended up being sequestered with 11 other angry men for six days while they tried to convince me of the error of my beliefs.  It didn't help that a few of these men happened to be women who weren't above trying to change my vote for acquittal by offering me free fashion advice. 
     Oh, it might help if I mentioned that my dentist happens to be a very bleeding heart liberal kind of guy who started off in law school but then switched to dentistry after discovering that dentists inflict much less pain on people than lawyers.  The idea of due process stuck with him, however, probably because they don't teach lawyers the importance of handwashing the way they do dentists.  Whatever the exact details, the fact remains that he's been unable to sentence any tooth to filling, capping, or extraction without its first being convicted of being a bad tooth by a jury of its peers.  When juries composed of actual teeth selected at random from the mouths of registered voters repeatedly failed to come back with any verdict at all no matter how long they were permitted to sit around and chew the fat, he settled for juries composed of those patients of his who seemed to have the IQ of a typical bicuspid.
     I hope this case is easier than the last.  That last one was so nasty and difficult, I still grind my teeth in my sleep over it.  A molar that looked quite normal on the surface was accused of going bad at the root and killing the two teeth closest to it.  Despite x-rays and other evidence, it just didn't add up to me.  Teeth don't just go bad, after all, and I'd seen this particular tooth too many times in TV commercials for toothpaste for me to ever believe it was as susceptible to decay as an old banana peel you forget to floss.  I was sure it was being framed by the gums.  Or maybe the two teeth next to it had been killed by a punch to the mouth and the fist responsible had doctored the x-rays after fleeing the scene in a late-model glove.  Hands are known for doing a lot of crazy things, after all.  In any case, I stood my ground and saved this molar from an unjust root canal.  It's now living a happy life out in the world somewhere after having had a permanent falling out with its socket.  Needless to say, no other tooth has come along yet that can fill its shoes, so to speak, though countless popcorn bits have tried. 
     I wish it well. 
     And I hope it can forgive me for writing on my reply card that I'll be unable to serve on any more dental juries due to my well-documented addiction to self-tampering.

     In other news....
     The frogs in my collection of frog jokes have taken up a collection for the elephants in Johanna's collection of elephant jokes just so those dear elephants can continue to buy the yellow paint they need to hide in the custard.  If any other creature in a joke or any other person who thinks their life is a joke would like to help, too, please send whatever you can afford to the smile-inducing pachyderm of your choice.  Or pay Johanna's 'phants a friendly visit at this Irregular Ramblings site of hers.  It'll do your heart good.  And who knows?  Maybe you'll be presented with the opportunity to filch a few stray peanuts. 
     Just be sure to leave some of the wit and wisdom for me!