Tues., Sept. 28, 1999
"We work
our jobs
Collect
our pay
Believe
we're gliding down the highway
When in
fact we're slip slidin' away."
- Paul Simon, "Kodachrome"
(No, wait - I know
this... Doh!)
Yes, yes - another Paul Simon quote. It's possible that there's a
Paul Simon quote for every occasion, thought, and mood - I really can't
say, I've never met the man. I just happen to be in a rut.
It's a pleasant change of pace from going down the tubes all the time.
Even when that rut (i.e., Paul Simon quotes) serves mainly to mark the
occasion, thought, and mood of going down the tubes....
Yes, yes - I'm rambling. As Flaubert once said in his own online
journal, "Please forgive the length of this entry - I simply didn't have
time to write a shorter one."
The fact is, I'm rattled. And it's all because of something I read
on the morning of Wednesday, August 4, 1999. I thought if I waited
55 days to write about it, I wouldn't still be rattled, but I am.
Next time I read the thing, I must make a note to wait at least 56 days
before noting the fact here.
As read things go, it wasn't much, really. Just 62 characters packed
into 14 words forming a single sentence. And yet what a difference
reading them has made! Is it possible for such a short sentence to
be so mentally carcinogenic that even a brief, one-time exposure to it
can turn a passing little thought into an ugly, swelling mass of rapidly
multiplying fears?
In hopes of finding out, and to give any guinea pigs reading this a chance
to break out of whatever testing rut they may happen to be in, I'm now
going to inject that sentence here.
Just give me a sec to don my lead apron.
OK - here it is:
Approximately
98 per cent of the atoms in your body are replaced each year.
Oh, pregnant women should shield their eyes. Ready, ladies?
OK, here we go:
Approximately
98 per cent of the atoms in your body are replaced each year.
OK, ladies - you can look again.
Yes, yes - I know. As sentences go, this one doesn't seem all that
bad at first glance - especially if you happen to be a pregnant woman who
is contemplating having a good percentage of the atoms in her body forced
through a tiny hole in her body over the course of a relatively few minutes.
BUT!
If you think about it just a bit, I think you'll begin to see it metastasizing
into something rather horrible.
Consider:
If 98 per cent of the atoms in our bodies are leaving us every year, it
behooves us to ask: What do they know that we don't?? Was it something
we said? Are we not keeping our property up to code? WHAT?!
If 98 per cent of the atoms in our bodies are leaving us every year, what
does this say about the 2 per cent left behind? Are they the stupid
ones? The ones that sleep through anything? The ones that self-respecting
atoms refuse to associate with? Do they suffer from vague feelings
of separation anxiety and/or a constant sense of loss? Is that why
I do all the time??
If 98 per cent of the atoms in our bodies are leaving us every year, where
are they going? Exactly how many are leaving us because they got
a better offer from a garden slug?? And as much as I believe in the
brotherhood of man and all, the thought of opening my door and stepping
out into a world in which 98 per cent of your used atoms are out
there swirling around and blowing in my face leaves me queasy. How
am I supposed to keep from bellowing "Where are their parents?!" the next
time a gust full of atomic grit hits me in the face?! Why aren't
the leash laws vigorously enforced here?! No offense, but I'd rather
be licked by your dog than smacked in the eye by atoms that were once part
of some areas of your body I could mention. And judging from the
girls I used to date, a lot of people must feel the same way about me.
If 98 per cent of the atoms in our bodies are leaving us every year, what
does it mean to be us? Who am I really? Am I basically
a new person every 12 months who's simply deluded when he thinks he's been
around for 40 years or is the essential me so small and insignificant that
it can be packed into a mere 2 per cent of my mass? If I can be so
utterly deluded about myself as to think I've existed for 40 years when
I'm actually a mere 1-year-old, what may I not be deluded about?
If, on the other hand, my essence can fit in a mere 2 per cent of my mass,
why should I continue to haul my 150 pound carcass around with me everywhere
I go? Why can't I save my whole carcass for formal occasions like
sex and death and just get by with hauling around my essential 3 pounds
on a moment-to-moment basis? Hell, most days I bet I could just phone
myself in....
If 98 per cent of the atoms in our bodies are leaving us every year, what
can it possibly mean to be married to someone? The woman I married
is long gone! Sure, her form remains, but does that mean that
I'm actually married not only to her but to everyone who happens to look
like her? Are we all destined to be bigamists whether we like it
or not?!
How can any of us be held to any sort of contract at all when a
year from now 98 per cent of us and whoever we made the contract with will
be gone?
And what does this mean for our criminal justice system? It seems
that even if we catch and convict a felon, he or she will inevitably slip
through our fingers within a mere 365 days. No matter how horrible
the crime. No matter how thick the prison walls or how sharp the
barbed wire atop the fences. Do our legislators realize this?
If not, why not? If so, why haven't I heard any of them advocate
the building of superduper maximum security prisons from which not even
the smallest atoms can escape on the merest current of air?!
It's all enough to make my head swim! Maybe I better go toss a few
more alligators in the moat around my house before it escapes entirely?!?!
And then there's THIS:
If 98 per cent of the atoms in my body are leaving me every year, how did
the writer of the sentence which told me this know it?! Did he or
she see them leaving my body? Have I been under constant observation
the last 12 months exactly as I suspected - but at a level far more intimate
than I ever imagined?! Exactly who is this person who has been taking
such a complete census of my body's trillions and trillions of atoms when
thousands of people at the U.S. Census Bureau have such trouble keeping
track of a few hundred million, body-sized creatures once every ten years?!
Which just brings to mind this disturbing fact: There are doctors right
now in Thailand - doctors who have never, ever even seen me - who
know more about my body and its workings than I do even after having lived
with it almost every single moment of my life!!!
Oh, it's all so very, very disturbing. I think I need to go lie down
until the feeling passes. Or at least until the atoms that make up
this feeling passes.
Maybe if I lie down in front of a fan, it'll speed things up.
If only there was a setting higher than "High"!
|