In the last few years Internet personality Matt Drudge has made a name for himself by collecting and spreading unsubstantiated rumors and calling it news.  For a long time I took a holier-than-thou attitude towards these practices of his and self-righteously looked down my nose at him as I chose instead to collect and spread well-researched nonsense and call it a journal.  No more.  Ethical fatigue coupled with severe writer's cramp caused by my having to pen "Morally superior again today" every evening in my Star Trek-brand captain's log have now prompted me to throw my scruples to the wind and just repeat every damn bit of gossip I've heard today.  Any truth found in this gossip is to be considered merely coincidental.  Any value of any kind found in this gossip can only be the result of a profound misunderstanding of the English language. As no one else but me has screened the following material, blatant errors, random misspellings, and stray insect parts are to be expected.  I could say more but it's getting late - time to wrap myself in the First Amendment and get on with it so I'll be ready tomorrow morning when ABC News comes calling with an official newsman's contract for me, too!
 

XXXXX NOT THE DRUDGE REPORT XXXXX SUNDAY, AUGUST 29, 1999 19:02:41 ET XXXXX

MAJOR BUSH ANNOUNCEMENT EXPECTED MONDAY

In an attempt to add credence to an earlier campaign promise to restore morality to the White House if elected, presidential candidate George W. Bush is expected to announce tomorrow his decision to place his genitalia in a blind truss come inauguration day.  "Millions of Americans have given their lives for the good of this country - and that's forever," a draft statement reads.  "The least I can do is give up my sex life for 4-8 years."  While this allegedly is not sitting well with some members of the Bush family, sources close to the candidate say that this might be the only way to forestall a call from the American people for total divestiture.

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XXXXX NOT THE DRUDGE REPORT XXXXX SUNDAY, AUGUST 29, 1999 19:23:46 ET XXXXX

NURSING HOMES FACE NEW SCRUTINY

Nursing and rest homes across the country braced themselves for new state and federal inspections after a third case of so-called Tooth Fairy Fraud was found being practiced in an assisted care facility for the aged, this time in Arizona.  As in previous cases, residents were allegedly being told by staff that their teeth would magically be restored to them the morning after every night they left money under their pillow, the going rate being 25 cents a tooth.  "We simply cannot be held responsible for the extortionist activities of mythical beings," one home's director has told the FBI.  "If we are held responsible, we'll have no choice but to raise every resident's rates significantly to make up for the lost revenue."

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XXXXX NOT THE DRUDGE REPORT XXXXX SUNDAY, AUGUST 29, 1999 19:25:10 ET XXXXX

NBC FACING FINES, PRISON TIME

In the wake of previewing its new fall schedule to its affiliates last month, NBC now faces felony charges of indecent exposure.  "It was much more obscene than anything I've seen before - and I once worked for Fox," one station manager present at the surprise preview was heard muttering to someone on his cell phone.  So open and shut does the case against NBC appear, Justice Department interns are said to already be researching exactly which federal penitentiaries are equipped to hold an entire television network.  Although legal experts agree a 10-25 year sentence can be expected, official sources say it's likely the venerable communications giant might be given a series of day passes to broadcast the Olympics in 2008 if it behaves itself behind bars.  No word yet on a foster home for the peacock, though cable's Animal World remains an obvious possibility.

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XXXXX NOT THE DRUDGE REPORT XXXXX SUNDAY, AUGUST 29, 1999 20:13:06 ET XXXXX

'90s SAW CHANGE IN BOOTLEG PRACTICES

Unauthorized peeks at next year's census reveals that the 1990s saw a distinct change in the practices of America's backwoods producers of bootleg liquor.  Illegal hillbilly distilling of whiskey, moonshine, rotgut, hooch, firewater, white lightning, and home brew were all unexpectedly way down.  Unexpectedly way up: the illegal distillation of Gatorade.  "It's cool, it's refreshing, and it doesn't leave a nasty aftertaste," one hillbilly told the census worker who tracked him down in the West Virginia mountains.  "It refreshes without knocking ya on yer ass," his partner elaborated.  Federal revenue agents immediately moved in with axes and sledgehammers, only to regret their actions upon facing a long walk back through the woods to their trucks with bodies aching for fluids and essential minerals lost to sweat.

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XXXXX NOT THE DRUDGE REPORT XXXXX SUNDAY, AUGUST 29, 1999 20:29:58 ET XXXXX

NRA TO UNVEIL NEW MOTTO

Continuing to feel the sting of critics in the wake of this year's numerous shooting rampages, the National Rifle Association appears on the verge of fighting back with a new motto it hopes will capture the imaginations and support of all Americans.  Playing off increasing reports of growing bacterial resistance to drugs, the motto soon to be seen on bumper stickers, billboards, and magazine ads coast to coast goes "Assault Rifles: The Antibiotics Of Last Resort."  "Americans have a Constitutional and a God-given right to defend themselves against invading microbes by any means necessary," NRA President Charlton Heston allegedly told members in a secret mass mailing.  "We must not let misguided liberals in Washington take any of those means away.  Not in an age of dirty flesh-eating staph germs and Ebola - not EVER!"  In a countermove, the Federal Food and Drug Administration is already said to be considering a move to make violence of any kind available by prescription only.

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XXXXX NOT THE DRUDGE REPORT XXXXX SUNDAY, AUGUST 29, 1999 21:43:33 ET XXXXX

HISTORIANS CONSPIRE TO KEEP TRUTH ABOUT UNICORN ASSASSINATION SECRET

A Harvard professor allegedly on the verge of revealing the truth about the 963 assassination of the unicorn has unexpectedly died.  This makes at least the 116th person to die under mysterious circumstances since the official explanation for the disappearance of the unicorn ("It never existed in the first place") was called into question by Oliver Stone in a 1993 interview.  Apparently the historian had stumbled on the truth ("An organized band of knights, damsels, bishops, and dragons conspired to wipe out the unicorn after they mistook it for a horse flipping them off") while attempting to stand on an English grassy knoll covered with a dew as wet as fresh unicorn blood.  Although not yet suggested by anyone, this may have been the same professor who would have uncovered the truth about the Donner party ("They didn't starve - one wagon just cut in front of another without signaling and gunfire born of trail rage got 'em all") had he lived.

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