Wed., July 21, 1999
"I had
no advance knowledge of this third-rate mission."
- Statement President
Nixon was prepared to release if Apollo 11's astronauts were found by the
night watchman to have "accidentally" landed in the Democrats' national
headquarters
Today's entry
has been delayed four times by bad weather. Lightning. Hail.
Heavy winds and rain. Thunder is still rumbling in the distance,
but I don't care anymore. I'm going for it.
As Slim Pickens
so memorably put it in Dr. Strangelove: Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying
and Love the Bomb: "YEEEE-HAAAAAAA!"
Not that weather has been my only problem today. I encountered even
worse problems underground when I snuck out before dawn to bury a few ideas
too malodorous for even this journal to swallow.
Just before beginning to put shovel to earth, I remembered what a little
boy said to me at the beach once as I started to build a sand castle: "Always
call the utility companies before you dig."
So I put down my shovel and came in and called, just as I'd put down my
bucket and called that day.
Boy, am I glad I did. Turns out that there's a pipeline that tri-sects
my property. A high-pressure Nostalgia Inc. pipeline that supplies
Michigan and Ontario with a full 17% of all their Elvis memorabilia.
I came this close to getting a face-full of sequins and painted
black velvet.
I was so relieved, I didn't even mind the fact that that little boy had
come by and swiped my shovel while I was on the phone just as he had swiped
my bucket on that long ago day at the beach....
In other news...
Madagascar may be home to half of all the chamelon species on earth but
only Ohio has Jerry Springer.
Today's paper tells me that this former mayor of Cincinnati and part-time
prostitute patron may actually run for the U.S. Senate seat currently held
by Republican Michael DeWine when he's not sitting in it. I'd probably
vote for Jerry, too. Senator, president, Pope - whatever he chooses
to run for. I'd vote twice, even. Three times if I can find
a quick enough plastic surgeon.
Anything to get him off my TV.
In 1997 scientists discovered hundreds of thousands of fossilized titanosaur
eggs on the windswept plains of Argentina's Patagonia.
I mention this only because I think basic fairness demands that I mention
at least one interesting fact about Argentina for every interesting fact
I mention about Madagascar.
The United States has about 75,000 man-made dams.
I mention this only because I'd hate for any foreigners reading this entry
to think that Jerry Springer is the only noteworthy thing my country has
been able to produce in the 223 years of its existence.
OK, since it's becoming increasingly difficult to concentrate on the many
fine things Madagascar, Argentina, and the U.S. have to offer when there
are cows being blown against my window, I think I'll wrap this up for now
with a cry from the heart:
The ability of our
kidneys to filter waste decreases by 50% by age 80.
If you happen to
be 80, please - drink only half as much waste as you used to.
THANKS!
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