Tues., June 15, 1999BUSH SON, DOLE & CLINTON WIVES WIN BIG
"If Only WE Had Been Related To Someone Famous!" Gore, Bradley, Guiliani Sob- New York Times headline for Wednesday, November 8, 2000
Nepotism. We try to protect ourselves from it with garlic, guard dogs, and unlisted numbers, but it still gets under our skin.
In fact, it's been getting under my skin ever since I was two or three years old and first realized I'd been born into a family of abject losers.
Today, it's really gotten under my skin, and not just because I forgot that I'm free to wear sunscreen. And not even just because George W. Bush, Junior is on the covers of both Time and Newsweek when the week's big story, of course, is not who might maybe somehow win an election still 16 months away but how these unrelenting journal entries have driven the Serbs from Kosovo.
No, what really has me peeved is the fact that I've personally been aced out of a job by a lesser applicant merely because that applicant happens to be a distant relative of a celebrity.
There's no federal agency I can turn to for help, no legal redress for my plight, but the fact remains that there should be.
For despite the many weeks I've spent learning how to blow, learning how to rain on everyone's parade, learning how to make a real mess of everything I touch, some inexperienced girl named Arlene has been named the first tropical storm of the season.
And just because the family she belongs to happens to include Hurricane Andrew.
It's not fair! I can't help it that I was born in Ohio and not over the warm waters of the Atlantic! It's not my fault that I'm the first Birtcher to ever learn how to rotate counter-clockwise while simultaneously wobbling towards a coast! Just because my mother wasn't a Miss Cyclone finalist who could loan me her brilliant blue eye for the interview is no reason for me to be rejected out of hand. So what if I was stupid enough to open that interview with an admittedly inappropriate sunny smile? I have a notarized letter from my high school guidance counselor saying that I'm the member of my class most likely to inflict havoc on low-lying areas if given half a chance!
Life is just so unfair sometimes when you're a kid born on the wrong side of the storm tracks....Well, never fear. I am not one to sit alone in my room and cry over milk under the bridge.
Instead, the moment I got my rejection letter today, I marched right out and engaged in some serious "retail therapy."
Yes, that's right - I went shopping. I grabbed my wallet and my shoes for once, kissed my cat goodbye, and headed right out to the mall where I did my best to stimulate the U.S. economy, being careful to stop short of orgasm. (One nasty letter from Alan Greenspan was enough to teach me my lesson.)
So what if I refused to pay $25 for a belt at Sears? I still bought oil for my mower. And two air filters. Woohooo!
And then I went right over to K Mart and bought my first pair of new pants in at least a good 173 days!
My goodness - did I really just type that?? Sometimes I scare myself. I know I really should delete this section before posting today's entry, but a little voice is telling me, "Dan - don't worry. You can trust your readers to keep your secrets to themselves and not alert the people at Angelfire who'd pull the plug on your journal in a second if they knew the kind of ideas you're planting in people's heads."
So, ok. As you can see, I'm going ahead and revealing exactly how wild and crazy I was today.
Just don't let my little voice down, ok?
'Cause if you do, the little voice gets it.
"Please - do as he says!!"
Don't be a fool now - listen to the little voice!
"Yes, don't be a - "
(Shush! I fear you've already said too much!!)And now for the best part.
My local K Mart has finally taken my suggestion and opened up a Moo Room!
Yes, it's true. As of last Friday, there's a clearly labeled Moo Room there right next to the restrooms and the fitting rooms. It even has a real door on it and not just the tattered curtain that only comes down to the knees as is the case with the restrooms!
Now whenever one of us rural Ohioans are shopping there and the irresistible urge to imitate the sounds of our favorite bovine comes over us, we'll have a place to let 'er rip rather than risk internal injury and long term disability by unwisely attempting to keep it all inside.
There are even plans for a Cow Karaoke system to be installed for all those folks who really want to moo in public places but need a little help from the taped sounds of a herd to avoid embarrassing themselves!!In retrospect, I guess it turned out to be a good thing that I didn't get the job as the first tropical storm of the season. As hard as it was to remember not to display a sunny smile during the interview, it would have been utterly impossible to hide the millions I've smiled since learning this wonderful news.
And besides, there's always next year.
A presidential campaign year, too - and I never smile any kind of smile during those!
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(All Material Not Shamelessly Swiped From A K Mart Restroom Stall Wall © 1999 by Dan Birtcher)
