Fri., June 18, 1999
RESOLVED: That the next time the Serbs go on a murderous rampage, the Pentagon shall keep U.S. troops and bombs at home while using its planes to bombard Serbia with printed copies of the Ten Commandments.
- U.S. House Resolution 233.7658844322954....*
I'm going hunting today. Hunting for an experience I can turn into a happy memory. You might even say that I'm on the prowl for a few moments of life that can be lived happily ever after in retrospect. Whatever. The basic quest remains the same: To not let another day go by without gleaning from it the raw material necessary for the making of an undeniably pleasant recollection....
Fortunately, I'm not entirely inexperienced at doing this. Although I failed to mention it yesterday when I was listing the books I've written, I spent a couple years in the early '90s running through my mind with a fine-mesh memory net in search of every single memory of my first 10 years of life that I could find, then carefully pasting and labeling them in a tome I called "The Impossible Dream."
Just to see if I could do it.
Just to see how many memories it takes to make a childhood.
Just to see how a mind thrust into this world with so little can end up such a complicated mess.
Just so I could get these memories the hell out of my head so I could start using the space for other things.
I ended up with 1514 memories from those first 3650 days of mine.
They ended up filling over 2015 pages.
Gleaning the makings of a single memory from today ought to be what's technically known as "a piece of cake."
And I'll consider this project a success if it fills a mere quarter of a page.
All I want is the meaty head of the thing, stuffed and mounted in my pocket-size "Book of Favorite Things"....
Stuffed with a warm afterglow, I mean.
And with permanent life support equipment mounted right beside it.So, given all my experience, it should be easy - but.
There are problems.
For one thing, I have guests coming. And for some reason, guests have historically not been present during the formation of my best memories. I've never quite understood this, but it's a fact.
For another thing, it's been a cold week. Physically cold. Last week's 90º+ heat has been replaced by days of near-record coolness. Chilly 60º days; downright Octoberesque 40º nights. I suppose this wouldn't make any difference to those people in the Pepsi commercials who can't go 30 seconds without stumbling upon a great time, but for me, well, I'm at least half chipmunk. For a long time I thought I merely suffered from SAD (Seasonal Adjustment Disorder) brought on by the diminishing daylight of every autumn but I now think I'm more likely afflicted with SRB (Small Rodent Brain). Besides wanting to collect and save every little thing I see, I also want to hibernate whenever the temperature dips below 55º or so. It's hard to form great memories when all you really want to do is sleep, but I'm still gonna give it my best shot. Why? Hey, chipmunk's do not have to have a reason for every little thing they do! Get over it or I'll eat your bulbs and steal your women. (Ok, ok - chipmunks don't really steal women, but I made ya scurry to check your nature book, didn't I? Heehee! Chipmunks are so mischievous!)One final impediment to my hunt for a great memory to hug and call my own today: The nasty memory that lingers from last night.
The one formed at the grocery.
The grocery where I actually watched a man buying two live lobsters.
I'd never actually seen anyone buy crustaceans before. I'm a very visual person, so the utter absence in my head of lobster/bag/cart imagery allowed me to believe that the creatures were merely part of an interesting floor show being put on by the grocery store's management in a slightly misguided effort to amuse me.
My illusions have been shattered by a few explicit images of a moving white bag on a set of scales....
*Sniff*
A truly civilized society wouldn't be putting warning labels on CDs and videogames. A truly civilized society would put warning labels on the doors of its grocery stores.Despite all these obstacles, drawbacks, hurdles, and problems - despite even the blood-curdling screams of innocent crustaceans being lowered into boiling water which even now season my tears - I am going to persevere, dammit, and find an indelibly pleasant memory somewhere in today. I'm going to seize the day and shake it silly if I have to but I am simply not going to let Saturday into my house until I have that which I seek.
And this time I am not going to settle for one of my wife's sweet hand-me-down remembrances, either.
Wish me luck!
Back To A Simpler Past Home To Await Congress'
5-Commandment Cure
For Slap-Happy Children
(All Material Not Yet Declared Constitutionally Ridiculous By The Courts
© 1999 by Dan Birtcher)
*Yes, it's an irrational number.
