"A U.S. dime has 118 ridges on its edge, the average Ruffles potato chip
only 15. That's why when I get a craving for ridges, I always reach
for a U.S. dime. Shouldn't you?" - Line
from a public service message the Food and Drug Commission ran on radio
and TV in the 1950s in a vain attempt to increase the number of Americans
getting 100% of the recommended daily dosage of coinage.
Good
news! Last Thursday was the 62nd anniversary of the crash of the
Hindenburg and it's now official: I was NOT among the victims!
Yay!
On the
other hand.... Last Friday was the 84th anniversary of the torpedoing of
the Lusitania. No word yet on whether I survived that particular
disaster or not. If you find out anything before I do, please
let me know.
In fact,
if the news is good, let me know twice. Maybe that will steady my
nerves in the wake of a recent event that has greatly reduced my confidence
in my luck despite my miraculously surviving the Hindenburg crash.
Don't be fooled by the occasionally jaunty tone I've employed in one or
two of my first seven journal entries. The simple fact is, tragedy
has entered my life and I fear that I shall never be the same regardless
of whether I survived the torpedoing of the Lusitania or not.
The simple
fact is, a hole has appeared in my shower curtain.
I know,
I know - it sounds like a little thing, a minor annoyance, an insignificant
alteration in a meaningless section of a single individual's mere physical
reality. On one level, it is all those things - I admit it.
But on another, deeper level, it is profoundly discombobulating because
I have absolutely no idea how it got there!
Let us
set aside for the moment the fact that this is my favorite shower curtain
that we're talking about here. Let us try to forget that it is the
only shower curtain I have. Let us try to clear our heads and remain
calm long enough to concentrate just on the hole itself.
Actual size and
shape of hole.
First,
let me assure you that it is a hole. Not a tear, not a poke
mark but a hole. Second, allow me to swear to the fact that it wasn't
there a couple days ago. This is not a manufacturer's defect.
This is not a sign of damage that occurred when I first installed this
shower curtain last August 13 (as I noted at the time on my calendar).
This is something new. And there is simply no explanation for it!
That's
the frightening part. That's what threatens to completely shake my
confidence in the world and existence, and what makes this event so very
tragic. If a hole like this can suddenly appear in my shower curtain
for no reason, what's to keep other holes from suddenly appearing in other
places? Maybe these other holes will be bigger. Maybe one or
more of them will suddenly appear in a much more important location, such
as my garden hose, or my wallet, or the engine of the jet flying over my
head, or my heart. If I can't understand this small hole in my shower
curtain, how can I ever hope to understand anything at all? How
can I ever hope to feel safe and secure again??
It's
a mystery and a torture and telling you that my shower curtain just happens
to be flesh colored would merely be an inept attempt to take the sting
out of that mystery and torture by plastering over it with superfluous
detail. Since that seems to be the best I can do, however, let me
just say that, yes, my shower curtain is indeed flesh colored even though
the clerk who sold it to me warned that the resulting confusion might greatly
increase the time it takes me to shower. Foolish 30-something that
I was last August, I plunged ahead regardless. Only now with the
wisdom which has come from turning 40 do I see how such impetuousness,
coupled with the pride which has prevented me from admitting a mistaken
and buying a darker or lighter replacement curtain, has now resulted in
my having spent the equivalent of 48 extra whole days showering in just
the last two months. The kinder, more generous of you will send notes
of consolation; I trust that even the worst of you will yet somehow manage
to keep your laughter to yourselves....
Further
superfluous detail: The hole appears to exist in approximately the center
of my curtain. As I stare and stare and stare at it, I see that it
is about 27 and a half inches from my bathroom's west wall, 33 and seven-eighths
inches from the east wall, 45 and three-quarters inches down from the ceiling,
and 53 and a quarter inches up from the floor.
Sudden
thought: It is startlingly reminiscent of those holes in plate glass windows
one sometimes sees in stores and shops which have drawn BB fire.
Is it possible that a BB gun is responsible for my hole? But that
would mean that there's a BB gun-wielding madman on the loose who has access
to my bathroom! Can that be?? When did he or she get in???
How fortunate I was not to have been showering at the time!! How
fortunate I am that the plastic didn't shatter when it was hit!!!
I need
to go lay down....
(All Material Not An Obvious
Rip-Off Of Some Other Aspect Of Western Civilization © 1999 by Dan
Birtcher)
