Okay, I must confess, I haven't exactly been the perfect angel you all think I am lately. I committed a serious crime and because I am suddenly overcome by guilt, I feel the need to let the less informed in on my little secret! Hopefully this will stop some of the suicidal feelings I have been feeling. So, like my therapist suggested, I will just let it all out...
I just had to have him. It was an uncontrollable urge that I yearned to fulfill. I hopped the next train to Orlando to execute my mission possible.
First off we are forced to do the whole N Sync concert thing, which bored me out of my mind, besides the fact that all the little girlies around me want my man, which made me feel all warm and gooey inside knowing that he is mine!!! hehe.
After the stupid concert is over, I lure Lonnie (the secruity bunny) by making a trail of Goldfish crackers into the butterfly net I was holding, waiting in the wings. As soon as I knew it was all clear, I raced down the hallway, pausing in each doorway, turning around the corner sharply, thrusting out my supersoaker ready to hit anything or anyone that stood in my way. What any unsuspecting person didn't know, was that wasn't water in my loaded gun. (I couldn't help it guys, I HAD to go!) So anyways, I make it to the N Sync dressing room unharmed and more motivated than ever.
I motion for my bait, and 4 skantily clad bimbos skip over to me. I pull my ski mask over my face and through the mouth hole, I holler, "Like, um, free, uh, BLOW JOBS!" Just as planned, in order, Joey, Justin, Lance, and Chris peek out the doorway, spot my hoe train winking (actually I think they had severe eye twitches, but who cares!) at them, look both ways, and rush out of the room after them, close on their high heels. Phase 1 complete.
Next, I slip on some yellow plastic dishwashing gloves and slowly twisted the door knob, opening the door just a crack. I peeked through to see JC tracing his veins while singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music." He is too engrossed in his boredom that he doesn't notice me sneak in. After slipping Justin's Mr T necklace and Busta into my overcoat, I tippy-toe my way up to the back of JC's director's chair. In one smooth motion, I slap a pair of handcuffs around his wrists and as he is muttering the words, and I quote, "Justin, I said stop with that kinky shit," quickly cover his mouth with a little duct tape. I spin him around and his eyes almost pop out of their sockets when he discovers I ain't Justin. I stroke his chisled cheek a few times while cooing, "I like it when a man can keep it real." He starts to cry, so I slap him and mutter, "Bastard!" I tell him he is coming with me, and no one can help him. I also assure him that if he tries to escape, all the tabloids will know of him and Justy by morning. He looks stunned and doesn't resist as I lead him outside to Jen's black rapist van, which I also stole for this special, special occasion...she'll get over it. I throw open the sliding door and give him a gentle shove to get his ass inside the van. "Oops, I forgot to tell you to watch your head," I say as I let out an evil cackle and run around to the front seat. Safely inside, I locked the doors and got on the CB and radioed Jen to keep her up-to-date on "Operation Jacque Strapez." If you don't understand this, go here Here is the fly-by of our convo:
Me: Breaker, breaker, 1-9. Mama Teeth-Rex to Miss Ju-Juice, do you read me?
Jen: This is Miss Ju-Juice, I read you
Me: I just want to remind you that this is all 10-35 (Classified Information)
Jen: Yes, siree, Cap-i-ton! Did you get the goods?
Me: Yeppers, 10-12 (Visitors Present)
Jen:Where should I 10-16? (Make pickup at)
Me: Well, to finish my mission, you are not needed, but you could do me a favor and 10-81 (Reserve hotel room for) me.
Jen: Oooh, I take it you are going to be doing some 10-17. (Urgent business)
Me: I guess you could call it that! Right now I 10-100 (Need to go to the bathroom)
Jen: Okay, then its a 10-3 (Stop Transmitting)
Me: That's a 10-4, (Ok, message received) over and out.
I put my CB back on the holder and turned around to face JC in the back seat. I smile at him through the chicken wire fence I had put in so he wouldn't try and attack me or anything. (Very police like, don't ya think) He muttered something under the tape, but all I could make out of it was something to the extent of, "Stupid fucking pyscho bitch," but he was speaking out of love, I just know it! Anyways, I turn forwards and start up the ol' van. I check my blind spot and pull out on the street, almost taking out a dump truck, whoops!
I am a bit famished, since kidnapping a loved one is hard work, so I head on over to Denny's. I leave JC locked in the van, cuz he wasn't going anywhere. I go inside and have the new Denny's special, Diced mushrooms and tuna served on a pipping hot hubcab. Ooh, it was delicious!! (They always have something new and exciting for me to try, at a low price too!!) After my tasty meal, I return to the van energized and ready to complete my mission.
I carefully drive to the nearest Motel 6, cuz they leave the light on for ya. I check into Room 69...hehe, I booked it weeks ago!! I get JC into the room without anyone noticing that he has duct tape over his mouth and handcuffs on, so we're doing good. As I open the door, I take a big whiff of the smokey scent I remembered and throw JC down on the heart shaped bed. His eyes kinda bugged out when I took off the handcuffs and tied him up with twine to the bedposts, then rip off his sleeveless mock neck. To sooth his nerves, I curl his chest hair around my pinky and coo to him, "Don't worry, Momma will take care of you!"
I go slip into something more comfortable (a bandana I wrap into a bra, and some leather chaps, complete with a 10 gallon hat) and come back out chewin on a dry weed. I draw out my six-shooter and eye him. "It's time for a showdown at the OK corral, partner," I twang out as I step one foot at a time towards him. I stare him down for couple of minutes and then before he realizes what is happening, take a running start and mount up on him all in one swift movement.
I am about to start riding my horsey when from outside the window I hear, "Come out with your hands up, you are surrounded." I peek through the thin curtains to see around 10 police cars and the SWAT team outside Room 69. The phone rings. I hop off JC and pick up the phone.
Me Howdy
Police Rachel, you are to immediately release your hostage and come out with your hands up.
Me No way, Jose
Police You are surrounded
Me Duh, you already told me that
Police Are willing to compromise inorder to release the hostage unharmed?
Me Umm, I have demands
Police Okay, what are they?
Me First, JC Chasez, my hostage, must see a orthodontist or highly skilled dentist and get those damn chicken teeth fixed ASAP.
Police Consider it done, we will get ahold of the best dentist in town and rush him there as soon as he is released. Any other demands?
Me Ofcourse...like I would give him up that easy. Also, he must come out of the closet on National television, perferably Montell, about his sex toy, Justin Timberlake. And then put up a live webcam in their bunks, so the whole world can see their wild romps.
Police We have Bill Gates on the phone right now, organizing the webcam and Montell on the other line, getting a show together as we speak. Anything else?
Me Oh, yes a few more things. JC must visit a stump-removal service to have the 23 year old oak tree pulled out of his ass, so at next concert, which I want front row center for, he will not spaz out and he won't be uptight anymore.
Police Can do Miss Bohan. Anything else before you release him?
Me One more thing, Mr. Po-lice-man. He needs to get help for that crack addiction of his and must eat 4 square meals a day...to beef up to a normal weight. He must gain a minium of 10 pounds this first week, otherwise this may happen again, and next time I won't give up so easy. Comprende?
Police Certainly. We will send a registered dietician on the road with him, and they will make it 15 pounds just to make you happy!
Me One more thing, I won't be charged for this, or else it's war!!
Police Okay, okay, but this will be that last time this is going to happen. Now, open the door and with JC in front of you, walk out slowly.
I untie JC and give him a nice big hickey by each nipple for him to remember me by. I open the door and I walk out behind him. I give him a nice 2-handed bun honk and he jumps a little and starts running to Justin, who is dabbing his eyes with a pink hankerchief. They embrace in a tight hug and I see JC tweak Justin's, nevermind, and I look away in disgust. I get a nod from the police and hop in the rapist van. As I drive away, I give the horn a few honks and wink at him. I let out an evil laugh and say to myself, "I'll be back!"