I started to look
through old pages I had made and realized I had little *blurps* or wayward
thoughts here there and everywhere....I thought I would write them all down in
one place for my own good...and ya know me, I'm all about sharing :-)
Don't get
freaked out.....thoughts to me are just like a moment in time circling in my
mind. Here one moment and completely changed the next.
There is no rhyme nor
reason, no chronological order at all. This is the place for
disorganization. This is a picture of my mind.
I chose the
background music for easy listening...The song is: "If"
The feelings of a new love...that
awe and amazement...isn't that an awesome thing? butterflies and goose bumps...all
hours of the night never lacking for something to say....a soft caress, a
laugh...feeling wanted and needed and appreciated.....
"I would put aside the
world...just to be in your presence" "I'd give up forever...just
to touch you..." Do those feelings always have to go away?
With normalcy and routine....other things take precedence...and
"reality" comes dancing through the fantasy of what new love...or
new beginnings are... There is always deadlines to meet...or something
else that has to be done....and the question "what is happening to us?"
always finds its way into the spoken word...."What you want....I can not
be" oh gee ma nee, how many times have I heard that....I begin to
think that is true...I have heard it time and again...I want so little in the
beginning...or so it seems...but as days pass into months...it seems that I
want so much more.....it could be true of 'when you give an inch....you take a
mile' but it isn't that at all...tis just that I want what transpires in
the beginning....or so it is said...that I want the beginning to never end...I
want the beginning....and never the end...cause once you start straying from
the 'start' the only place you are headed ....is to the end.
I need to get a grip on
things...need to find some solace in this mass confusion that is taking place
in my mind....oh where am I at and where in the world am I going? Where
do I want to be.....I guess that is what I am striving for...I know my
situation now...and I realized a long while ago that I just don't like where I
am standing...Yesterdays world brought me to this place...And even though I
have grown from those moments...I did not like being a part in the world that
I belonged in. didn't like the loneliness...the helplessness....the
question remains...where am I headed? And what can I do to change it?
If we have inside of us our own destiny...shouldn't I be striving for that???
not just existing...
Happiness....deep, eternal,
is it all in ones mind? can we create it with just thoughts....and bring it
into being...or is something that we have to feel first? Surely, it can not be
something that some one else has to create....shouldn't it start...and
continue in us. What makes me happy is not the answer to happiness for
everyone...but it is mine. And if only I know what will make me happy
(do I even know?) then am I not the only one that can create my own happiness?
Sometimes I don't even know what I am typing about....the clutter in my mind
is so deep....I've put things away for so long...to deal with at a later
date...that I don't even know where to start without wiping the slate
clean...maybe I have wiped it clean so many times that the dust that has built
up on the floor from the remains....comes swirling in the wind causing
me to inhale of it...every time someone gets too close to me
who are you but a
memory...
that sometimes fills my
mind at night
who are you but a lost
thought
we've already given up
the fight
In a world that longs for me...full of
souls that are longing for that same sort of release...aren't we all....longing
for a place to belong when we can not handle reality.
I want to be taken
care of...but always feeling like I am capable of taking care of myself....I
want to need...someone that needs me.
I have spent so many years
just wanting to be loved for me...for the screwed up thoughts I have...for my
mind being complex and for being shallow...for having fantasies and for having
dreams...but for living in reality....I want someone to understand me...and
still love me...to still accept me and want me to see that in the end...they
will still be around...
but I am stuck with this
aching fear that everything ends...and everyone walks away....
Trying to get in touch with the me...that
I have lost along the years...Is it possible to actually lose yourself?
Don't ya just evolve as a person....Time makes the way for change...and as
change comes about...the person that we were...is no longer in existence.
But the dreams remain the same.
A young woman dressed in white...with lace
weaved throughout the tresses of her hair, standing at the altar...infrount of
God and man...with the dream of starting a new life...one that included the
one she thought was her souls mate. 2 years later laying on a hospital
bed...staring down into the eyes of the life she helped bring into this
world...with hope in her heart...and with a dream....one that included in
it...this little heartbeat of a man....Days pass...months and years....Two
more miracles along the way....that at one time laid in her arms, that needed
her completely....Dreams.....she has seen her share, has closed her eyes and
seen the perfect existence....has opened them into reality....with the dream
still attainable......just within reach...Days pass into years...and the dream
is there......
Did I change...did my dream change....what
exactly changed along the course of life? I am still me...a little more
hard, a little more cautious, a lot less believing in faith. what
changed?
On a heart where the
sign says
"closed"
you found your weary way...
opening up windows
and knocking down walls
along the
way.
The emotion was longing
Love was the stubborn
act of will...
One heart trying to fight
the urges
backing away from everything that
it feels...
Walking away at least a
thousand times
Only to find myself back
once more
Finding a safe haven...
with so much more to
explore...
And they say..
A heart that is guarded
should be put upon a
shelf...
but when your eyes looked
into mine..
Love is all I felt....
I love you...
and I don't have the words
to tell you how much
If I could hold you in my
arms until day breaks anew
and wrap you in roses
touch you with silk
or thrill you with lace
If I had the means to talk
to your soul
and tell you what forever
means to me...
or discuss with your heart
how deep my feelings run....
All I have is today
and tomorrow if God allows
to try to show you
Just how much....
I breathe your life
with each whisper of
tomorrow
I feel your heartbeat
even when you are not near...
I feel you in everything I
do...
see you, want you, need you
in each move that I make...
you and the love you give
Mean eternity to me...
Everlasting and Fearless
Our Love...
Our Love
means all thee above.....
moments...
washing their way at my feet
strolling through the pain
asking questions to myself.....
waiting for only a fool to answer...
been beaten down by the likes of today
only hopes for tomorrow
moments
Searching through the
numbers.
that find their way on my
screen...
Looking for some
answers...
a destiny
a source of smiles and
happiness
better then the last
more perfect then tomorrow
just a friendship that
will last
Rocking Chair.....
2 images painted on the
canvas
of life
Dreams of what could of
been
nothing now but an empty
feeling
Being lost in the very
world
we created together
I can't even get through
to you
I can't even speak
whispering I loved you....
in the silence of the
night.
I don't even know you now.
I don't know where I would be if not for having you, even if for
only a glimmer of a second in the whole scheme of a lifetime. I lived off
of your words, your voice for an eternity it seems...and for an eternity I will
hold those moments next to my soul...keeping them precious.
there are moments that I cherish
that we shared together in the
past
there are times that I long for
I suppose I thought we would
last
Each day we spent together
all the memories we created
how to go on...when alone is all
I have
left.
you seem so
much more
feeling then
what I do
when I've cried
alone in vain
that giving up
now is easy
long grown
tired of being
these steps are
on virgin ground
apprehensive, a
little scared
but enjoying
the freedom, I have found
only a shell of
yesterdays child
Looking for a
glimpse or two
in the boxes I have filed
A wave of being has drawn
closer to me
An enchanted prowler, that I
can not see
I turn, to see, my silhouette,
but nothing more
I have broken the spell,
shutting the door
Once again, it devours on what
I say
This unknown being, aware of
the day.
Deep inside me now, the
stranger is here
with a helping hand, wiping
away a tear
words of advice, a secret soul
mate
a gift from God, maybe, my fate
The Holder of my dreams
A friend of me indeed
Not sure of the being
but scared of it leaving...
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