Battle of the Sexes
STUDY HARDER
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee
when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The
ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks
it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says
apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this
winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, "No, you
see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons
instead."
The Dickens
A couple of women were playing golf one
sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of
men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the
men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist:
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him
earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be
fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in a
fetal position still clasping his hands together at his
crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to
help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage
him.
"How does that feel?" she asked. "It feels great." He
replied. "But my thumb still hurts like Hell!".
ALL ALONE
A man was stranded on a desert island
for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a
wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see
you."!
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time.
How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man:
"It's been ten years!"
With this information the girl unzips
a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man
cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell
me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been
ten years"
The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet
suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a
drink.
Man:”Oh..thank you so much. You are like a miracle"!
Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit
and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been
since you played around??"
The man looked at her and said
excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs
in there too??"
A LOSS FOR WORDS
A man went to a strange town
to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at
his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he
got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.
While playing on the front nine, he thought over his
impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the
course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He
walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew
what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you
are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He
thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the
same thing happened and he approached her again with the same
request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so
you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and
returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club
house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked
the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a
sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said,
"Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand
you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you
sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she
answered, "I sell Tampax."
She said, "See I knew you would
laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a
toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
GOING SHOPPING
A man got a phone call from his wife
at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up
some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he
said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of
golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked
up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the
grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found
it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open
his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of
groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he
asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He
went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac
keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think
you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?" "No
problem," she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf
tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent
over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her
hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these
for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while
I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people
think of everything."
HOW ABOUT SOME KNICKERES!
An Englishman, Irishman
and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as
caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife
caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap
on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she
wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily
demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she
explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the
odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman
thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to
Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.
Two holes further
on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up,
and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head,
revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman
stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether
garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little
allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one
notices."
With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his
pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some
knickers."
Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught
her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the
ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't
wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded
a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well
darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I
have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With
that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a
comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"
Slow Golf
Two men were having an awfully slow round
of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into
every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother
to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I
think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies,
stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it.
One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe
you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward
the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done,
stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small
world."
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