Misc Golf Humor




OUCH!!

Said to a few of my friends that are patient enough for me to play a round with them."I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"

"oh yeah?"

"yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."

CONCENTRATION

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded."Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?""Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded . . ."I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

SEEING IS NOT ALWAYS GOOD

A man was looking for a new caddie one day when his friend said " I know a great caddie - he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk""OK then " said the man "tell him I'm playing again in a week.

The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddie "did you see where it went"The caddie then said "yes""OK then where is it?"The caddie replied "I forgot.

"

OLDIE BUT GOODIE

When a big thunder storm comes when I am out playing golf, most on the course run for cover. I just take out my 1 iron and stand in the middle of the fairway with the club held high over my head and wait for the storm to pass. I do not fear the lighting because I know not even GOD can hit a 1 iron.

ANOTHER JOKE

Q: Did you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?

A: Monica Lewinski... OJ Simpson... Ted Kennedy... &... Bill Clinton..

Monica is a hooker...

OJ is a slicer...

Kennedy can't drive over water...;

Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.



GIVE ME A BREAK!

Tiger Woods went to play at a course in Alabama, after missing the cut in Montreal. He went into the pro shop and asked the started if he could play as a guest. "Sorry" said the starter, "but this club is for white boys only, but there is another club you can play at down the road. It's only a Driver and a 3-Wood away". "Hang on a minute" said Woods "don't you know who I am?" "Nope who are you?" said the starter "I am Tiger Woods" "Well in that case" said the starter, "It's only a Driver and an 8-Iron.

OH NOOOOOO!

An ardent golfer visited the fortune teller with one thing on his mind. He asked the fortune teller: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"

The fortune teller replied: "I have good news, and I have bad news...""What's the good news?", asked the golfer.

"The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are the most beautiful you could imagine!"Amazed, the golfer asked "How could there be any bad news with that?"

The fortune teller said: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

MAN’S BEST FRIEND

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.

The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?""Somersaults," says the man.

"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?""Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY!

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning in pain.


"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said from the ground, "and this is going to cost you $5,000.""I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell, 'fore'." "I'll take it!", said the attorney.

NEW THINGS

It seems that there was this Chinese business man visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before.

Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh shit."

SILENCE IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN

We'd booked a 2:00 p.m. tee time, but when we arrived we found two fellows on the tee getting ready to tee off. When we explained that this was our tee time neither of them said a word, but both covered their ears, then their mouths, and then simulated cutting their throats indicating they were deaf and dumb.

We knew they were angry about us playing in front of them but we played off, and walked up the fairway discussing the situation.. Just then a ball flew past us right up the middle of the fairway, nearly missing us. When we looked back they were both holding up four fingers!

SINGLE VS. FAT

A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league. This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.The study's explanation for this result was interesting.

It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.

HAVING A BAD DAY?

Joe had a particularly bad day on the course - nothing went right and he became more angry with each passing hole. By the Par 3 17th, he was fit to be tied and when he missed a 2 foot putt (for a double boggy), he really exploded.Letting loose a stream of curses the like of which has never been heard before or since, Joe proceeded to toss his clubs into the lake and set his golf cart on fire.

Declaring that he would never play this game again, Joe stomped off to the club house, into the locker room and proceeded to cut his wrists..At that point one of the club members happened in and, not noticing Joe's desperate condition, off-handedly said "Hey Joe, we need a fourth for tomorrow morning - how 'bout it?"Joe looked up and said "What time?"

PHEW!!!

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, everytime I swing my 7 iron I pass this outrageous gas." He swings the iron in the doctor's office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell.

The doctor says,”H’m, interesting case," and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall. "What are you going to do with that," the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst. "I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the Doc replies.

EXPENSIVE BALLS

Two Scotsmen, Sandy and Angus, are playing golf one day and come upon a water hole. Sandy hits and sends one into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag and finds that he has no balls remaining. He asks Angus for a ball and promptly hits that one into the pond as well.

This goes on 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for a 6th ball, Angus says, " Sandy these balls cost me a lot of money, " to which Sandy replies, "Angus lad, if you can't afford to play the game, you should not be out here ".

NEED PRACTICE?

A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and looking about said, "What shall I do with this?" "If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."

A FUNNY JOKE

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.

LET US PLAY

Manager: I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time open on the course today..Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.Manager: Of course we would, sir.

Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.

TOOTHACHE

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the balls. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Golf Laws

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.


..........[ Back ]....................................................[ Front Page ].................................................... [ Forward ]