This months Featured Jokes... February 04

A fat lady rides the bus to work every day. Today she's in some discomfort because she has a pain in her lower abdomen. She finally realizes that its just a tremendous build up of gas from something she ate.
The bus is quite crowded and she doesn't know what to do. Then she remembers that pretty soon the bus will run across some railroad tracks and it will rattle and bang and make lots of noise. She will be able to pass this gas and nobody will know.
What she doesn't know is that the bus driver also rides the bus everyday and has grown tired of all the noise the bus makes when it rattles and bangs across the railroad tracks. So last night he stayed after work and had the maintenance crew tighten up all the loose bolts and lubricate all the moving parts to quiet down the old bus.
Well, here come the railroad tracks, the fat lady raises up on one cheek and lets it rip. It was one long, loud, juicy sounding fart. The bus didn't rattle and bang like it usually did and now you could hear a pin drop inside the bus as everybody started looking around.
The fat lady thought that maybe no one knew who did it and that she should just act natural. She thought she should just start a conversation with someone as if nothing had happened. She leaned over to the man sitting across the aisle and casually asked him, 'Do you have a transfer?'
He politely responded, 'No I don't, but the next tree we pass I will try and grab you a handful of leaves.'

A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a free market.
A toy company can out-source to a Chinese sub-contractor and claim it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it's a free market.
We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico. We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh.
We can purchase almost anything we want from many different countries
BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their prescription drugs from
a Canadian ( Or Mexico ) pharmacy.
That's called UN-AMERICAN!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby? Think again

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating!"
"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I am celebrating too!" She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
I am a chicken farmer," he replied. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they are finally fertile.
What a coincidence," the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!
How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks" he replied
"What a coincidence," she said.

John and Brian are out and about.
John notices that Brian is a bit cranky during the evening, so he finally brings up.
"Yo, man, you've been cranky all day. What 's wrong with you. You're acting like you've got PMS."
"Naw, I don't have PMS, but I definitely think I'm suffering from the male counterpart. I call it SRH."
"SRH? What's that?"
"Sperm Retention Headache."

As a present for myself at Christmas I bought a state-of-the-art, Japanese, in-car sound system.
The sound quality is amazing.
It is 'voice operated' so no danger is caused when I want to change stations, discs, tapes etc.
When I shout out "Soul" it plays soul music.
When I shout out "Rock" it plays rock music.
When I shout out "Jazz" it plays jazz music.
When I shout out "Country" it plays country music.
A gang of teenagers deliberately ran in front of my car this morning and without thinking, as I swerved to avoid them, I shouted "fucking kids"
For some reason the sound system started playing Michael Jackson

Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! One evening about a month ago, while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem and how expensive the blouse was. Well, one thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse, as well.
I tried to get the stains out using the bargain brand detergent my cheap husband bought, but they just wouldn't come out. I went to the local convenience store and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the forensic DNA tests were all negative!
I thank you, once again, for a great product!
Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Sincerely,
Recently Widowed

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom and its Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready more "action." And, once again they enjoy each other. But, as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.
The artist says, "Sure."
She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."
Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them.
She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. "
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'"

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Cleveland Browns jersey and helmet, and is festooned with Browns pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with the Browns receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. As the ball sails through the uprights, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does your dog do if they score a touchdown?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years."

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