This months Featured Jokes... January 04



On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a black and yellow Pittsburgh Steeler’s jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the pope watched horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Cleveland Browns jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding semiconscious, Pittsburgh Steeler from the water. Then using long clubs, the three Cleveland Browns beat the shark to death and hauled it too, into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there were some bitter hatred between Cleveland Browns & Pittsburgh Steelers. but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true".

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that"?

"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing! Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one"?



Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says,
"Jack, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother,
and said, here try these on."

So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them".

I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.

Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on."

So she does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit me."

Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't
want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine."

So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

So Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you never will."



A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, "Sure."

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them.

She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas



Subject: Two Cows

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support
a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to
the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on
unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black
one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some
people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from
out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big tits.



A man was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom.

When he came out he sighed audibly and his friend said to him, "Feel better?"

Yeah, he said, It's the only place on the whole course where nobody tells me
how to improve my stance or change my grip!



A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman says "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk." "Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my nipples."



A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back, they inquired of him?

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"



Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. In heaven they found God sitting on the great white throne.

He addressed Al first.

Al, what do you believe in?

Al replied, Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.

God thought for a second and said, Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left.

God then addressed Bill. Bill, what do you believe in?

Bill replied, I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.

Again, God thought for a second and then said, You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.

God then turned to Hillary and asked, Hillary, what do you believe in?

Her reply: I believe you're in my chair.



Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, Never tell a lie,

Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, Listen to the people,

Ho! I really don't want to do that.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, Go to the theater.

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