This months Featured Jokes... April 04



Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building.

You cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.

It's confusing and it creates a hostile work environment.



Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger"

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big Johns."

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own 300 acres."

Roger looks down at him and says, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"

"Nothing" Irving says.

"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John.

"Downtown Dallas."



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


Warning: Don't Step on the Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"



Thought of the Day:

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get shitty ideas from ..



Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner.."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "why is what so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly :"that ain't nothin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together!... I was going through her purse the other day lookin'fer some change, and I found some condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker."



It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a bizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted... but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next




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