This months Featured Jokes... May 04



A MAN IS LYING IN A HOSPITAL BED WITH AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH.

A YOUNG NURSE APPEARS READY TO SPONGE HIS HANDS AND FEET. "NURSE," HE MUMBLES FROM BEHIND THE MASK, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"

EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES,"I DON'T KNOW; I'M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET."

HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO ASK, "NURSE, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"

FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK THE COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN, HOLDS HIS PENIS IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESTICLES IN HER OTHER HAND AND TAKES A CLOSER LOOK AND SAY'S, "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!"

FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES, "THAT WAS VERY NICE, BUT ARE --MY--TEST--RESULTS--BACK?



A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?"

The man says, "Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've slept with."



Cows
Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

The solution......give every illegal alien a cow.



A man owned a small farm in West Texas.

The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and buy him chewing tobacco", replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit", says the agent.

The farmer says, "That would be me".



A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another gent came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70." The robot then asked, "So, are you Democrats really going to nominate John Kerry?"



A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan!



Today's Ebonic word from the Louisiana Public School System:

OMELETTE

Let's use it in a sentence...

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."



Professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.

I'll be home before midnight.

-- Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Don't wait up."



Yesterday, scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (contains phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary



"The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed."



In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.



How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?



Women, you're in good shape as long as you can still touch your toes.
Just remember, using your boobs doesn't count!



Now you know everything!!!!

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venusis the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first "MarlboroMan."

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
1) Marlboro
2) Coca Cola
3) Budweiser
In that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs..but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

The second?
William Jefferson Clinton. (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)

And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Now you know every thing there is to know

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