WORDS OF WISDOM
Life is all about ass...
Either you are covering it.
Kicking it.
Kissing it.
Or trying to get it.
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a
park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from
across the park.
The flasher approached the ladies, stood right in front of them and
opened his trenchcoat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But, Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Bless her heart.
Saturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
Hello,' says a little girl's voice.
Hi, honey, it's Daddy,' says Bob. Is Mummy near the phone?
No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.
After a brief pause, Bob says, But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey.
Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy.
Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's
just pulled up outside the house.
Okay, Daddy.
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
Well I did what you said, Daddy.
And what happened?
Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and
round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think
she's all dead.
Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank?
He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back
window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.
There is a long pause, then Bob says, Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool? Is this 555-*** ....?'
MAGIC BEER
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at
the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the
man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says
to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
The Guys' Rules
Please note....these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE ! !
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
...
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
...
you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one.
...
Subtle hints do not work !
...
Strong hints do not work !
...
Obvious hints do not work !
...
JUST SAY IT ! !
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
...
Sympathy is what your girl friends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument.
...
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad
...
or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example,
...
is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong.
...
We know you are lying, but it is just no worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine......Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
...
as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
SOME FRESH NEW THOUGHTS!!
Now that food has replaced sex in my life,..
I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion....
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK.....
They know me here.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail.....
But a true friend
will be sitting next to you saying, ..
Damn...that was fun!
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; ...
People watching may not be
Able to tell the difference.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck,...
We'd all fall off.
Why is it that our children can't
read a Bible in school,...
But they can in prison?
If raising children was going to be easy, ..
It never would have started with something called LABOR!
Wouldn't you know it..Brain cells come and brain cells go,
..
But FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court ???....
When the
Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
[ Back ]...................................................................................................................................................
[ Forward ]