Subject: The Praying Wall
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to the Western Wall to check it out ... and there he was.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs.
I pray for all the hatred to stop, and
I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
A little old man shuffled slooowly into an ice cream parlor,
pulled himself slooooooowly and painfully up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis"
Marriage woes
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you
think. Every marriage has to have its first fight."
"I know, I know!" sobbed Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the
BODY?"
Just love these one liners
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
I had amnesia once -- or twice
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a
blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun
and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him
up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in
the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to
her motor home with her... so I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy...
And here I am."
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly
gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth!
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver," but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
Ever get humiliated by a receptionist in a doctor's office? Well,
here's what one man did.
An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an
office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a sumo
wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,
RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an
equally loud voice replies, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS
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