Past months Featured Jokes.....October

What is the difference between Lady Godiva and the act of looking for a lost golf ball?
Looking for a ball is a Hunt on a Course.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

A couple of Indiana hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
....There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

Nice House
Carlos calls his boss and says, "Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says:
"You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon.
You got nice house."

Biker Grandma
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoo’s all over his arms answers. She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; “Do you have a motorcycle?
The little old lady replies “Yep ... my bike’s parked over there”, and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, drink like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.”
The biker asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Frank decided to bend over. E ven though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.The polar bear said: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Italian Philosophy
Little Guido, six years old, was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one...a man on the bench across from him said,
Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.
Little Guido replied, My grandfather lived to be 107 years old. The man asked, Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?
Little Guido answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen.
The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy says, Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?
The woman figures why not, and spends the night with him. The next morning she hands the cowboy a $100 bill.
Blushing, he says, Nobody has ever paid me for my services before. I'm flattered.
To this the woman replies, Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

FLOOD WATERS,
One night, a torrential rain soaked Southern Louisiana. By the next morning the floodwaters had come into most of the local homes.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yeard, then float back to the house. It kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?
Mrs. Boudreaux said, Oh yeah, dat my husband. I tole dat coonass he gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water.

Triple Scotch
A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?
After quickly downing his drink the man replied, I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. Wow, exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house.
As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, So what did you do? I walked over to my wife, the man replied, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.
That makes sense, said the bartender, but what about your best friend? "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said
Bad dog!

A foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?"
The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?
Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

A man had just finished a putt and reached in the hole to get his ball, but pulled out a leprechaun!
"Sure, and ye have me," cried the leprechaun. "And if you let me go, for yer tribble, I'll give ye three wishes!"
"Thank you," said the man. "I don't really need anything, so I'll pass on the wishes." He let the leprechaun go, and went off to finish his game.
The leprechaun was dumbfounded. Who had ever heard of such a thing? He sat on a pebble and thought to himself "Such a man as that deserves three wishes! I'll give 'em to 'im spite 'imself!
Now what should he wish for? Why money, of course! Everyone wants money. So, for his first wish he wants to be a millionaire! And second--let's make him a great golfer! And last-- ah! Let him have a wonderful sex life."
A month went by and the leprechaun spotted the man playing on the course again. He jumped out of a hole and yelled up to the man "How ye be doing?" The man smiled and said "Hello, little friend. I be doing just fine.."
The leprechaun smiled back and said "And how's your money situation, if you don't mind my askin'?" "It's funny you should ask," replied the man. "An uncle of mine passed away and left me a fortune!"
"Hah! Is that so? And how's yer golf game now?" "It's an amazing thing," said the man. "For the past few weeks I can't do worse than two under par!"
"Sure, and that's wonderful!" With a sly look, the leprechaun asked, "And how's yer sex life?" The man, obviously embarrassed, looked away and coughed, "Well,
it's fine. Two or three times a month."
The leprechaun was aghast. "Two or three times a month? That's horrible!" The man looked up and said, "Actually, it's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

Three Ladies, all with boyfriends named 'Leroy' were at a bar when one of the ladies says, "I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy, mixed up with your Leroy. Why don't we all name our Leroy's after a soft drink?"
The other two ladies agree, and the first lady jumps in and says, "OK then, let me go first...I name my Leroy, 7-UP!" The other two ladies jump in and ask her, "Why 7-UP?".
"Because my Leroy has 7 inches and its always UP!
All three ladies hoot and holler and slap each other a high five, when the second lady says, "OK, I'm next, and I name my Leroy, Mountain Dew!" The other two ladies ask, "Why Mountain Dew?"
"Because my Leroy can Mount and Dew me anytime !"
All three ladies proceed to hoot and holler and slap each other another high five.
The third lady then stands back and stars thinking and says, "You know, those two Leroys were good but I'm gonna name mine Jack Daniels." The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady shouts, "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

The Old Fighter Pilot
An AZ real estate salesman visits Tucson to check out the market and sees a banner in front of a tent out on the East side of town, "DON'T MISS THE AMAZING AIR FORCE FIGHTER PILOT." Curious, he buys a ticket.
The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center of the stage. There,spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired Air Force Fighter Pilot.
Suddenly the Fighter Pilot unzips his pants,whips out a huge penis,and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings. The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Fighter Pilot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
A few years later this same salesman visits Tucson and sees a faded sign for the same show and the same sign,'DON'T MISS THE AMAZING AIR FORCE FIGHTER PILOT.'
He can't believe the old guy is alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. The old Fighter Pilot stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the three coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild.
Flabbergasted,the real estate salesman requests a meeting with the Fighter Pilot after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the old Fighter Pilot. "But I have to know something." "You're older now,why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
Well, says the old Fighter Pilot, "My eyes ain't what they used to be."

Your Hair Smells Great
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife jumped up an said: 'Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody'.
The judge turns to the husband an says 'What do you have to say in your defense?'.
The man sat for a while contemplating ..then slowly rose. 'Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out ..whose Pepsi is it ..the machine's or mine?'.

A Chicago Alderman, on his way home from work at City Hall, came to a dead halt in traffic on the Dan Ryan and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving at all. He noticed a State Trooper walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, Officer, I'm Alderman Burke, what's the problem; what's holding everything up?
The trooper replied, It's the reverend Jackson. He's so depressed about the thought of everyone knowing about his extramarital affair and his illegitimate child, that he stopped his car in the middle of the Dan Ryan expressway and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.
He says the country and his congregation are blaming him for his infidelity and doesn't know if he can live with the shame and embarrassment. The people, in the halted cars all along the length of the Dan Ryan are taking up a collection for him.
Oh really, replied Alderman Burke. How much have they collected, for the reverend Jackson so far. About 300 gallons," said the trooper, but they are still siphoning.

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids.

Dave walks into the bar and sees his friend Jeff huddled at the bar, depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong. "Well," replies Jeff, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Dave with a smile. "Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Dave, "when are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my pecker to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Dave. "So I get to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell. And she answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" Jeff huddles over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."
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