Past months Featured Jokes.....September

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building by the time you fall to the 10thfloor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
1st man: "No it's true let me prove it to you. "So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'spat.'
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 5-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers on his hand....like a telephone....and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says prove it. The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. That's incredible, says the bartender. I would have never believed it!
By the way, where is the men's room? The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy....he is spread-eagle on the wall....his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. Oh my god, said the bartender, did they rob you? How much did they get?
... The guy turns and says: No, no,....I'm just waiting for a fax!

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
Congratulations! says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, Would you like the bridal then?...
... Naw, thanks. says the cowboy. I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it.

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?
It's pretty nice, she replied. Except they won't let me fart.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it In my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times.
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat.

Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
...The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

I hit my ball into the edge of the water and when I got to it, there was a frog sitting on it. I could still hit the ball as there was no bank and the ball was just barely in the water. As I started to remove the frog it said, "Kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful young woman and I will stay with you for the rest of your life."
I put the frog in my golf bag and hit the ball. As I was driving down the fairway I heard the frog say, "Mister I don't think you understood me, I said if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman and stay with you for the rest of your life."
I turned to the frog and replied, "At my age I would rather have a talking frog."

GEORGE CARLINISMS
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and
where do they keep it?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then
what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says: "What's the story?"
He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

Wishing Well
A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter.
Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns. The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims,......
"Holy shit, it WORKS!"

The Crying Horse
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks.
Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

Monica Lewinsky stories:
Monica Lewinsky walks into her local dry cleaning store and tells the guy,
I've got another dress for you to clean.
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, Come again?
No, she says, Mustard.

Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

Little Johnny stories:
Math Class:
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F
in arithmetic. Why? asks the father. The teacher asked
How much is 2x3? I said 6 But that's right! Then she asked
me How much is 3x2? What's the fucking difference? asks the
father.That's what I said!
English Class:
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, today we
are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody
have an example of a multi-syllable word? Little Johnny waves
his hand, Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers:' All right,
little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny
says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little
Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, No, Miss Rogers,
you're thinking of a blowjob".
Grammar Class:
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, Miss Jones, I need
to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, Now, Johnny, that is NOT
the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want
to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence
correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a
bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits,
you'd be a ten!!!"
Beautiful;
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the
same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it. Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and
it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the
teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my
sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,
......just fucking beautiful!
Where is Jesus?
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

Two men are talking at work Monday morning. "What did you do this weekend?"
"Dropped hooks into the water."
"Fishing, huh?"
"No, golfing."

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