This months Featured Jokes.....November

If you smoke after sex... .. Your doing it way too fast !!

Mildred was very depressed when her husband died. She decided that she couldn't go on in life without him and that she wanted to join him in heaven.
Mildred wanted to shoot herself in the heart, guaranteeing death. But she was afraid she might miss her heart and wind up a vegetable
So she called the doctor for some information. "Doctor, where is the heart located?" asked Mildred. The doctor answered, "Just below the left breast."
A few hours later Mildred was emitted into emergency with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed.
The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female." The genie granted the wish.
The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish...that all the bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish.
The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it.
The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!" Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the bears in this world to be female!" The genie granted the wish.
The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay."

The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning--A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily taken aback, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day, because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned and placed his order; then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After taking a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called the waiter over and said, "These are delicious, but they're much, much smaller than the ones you served yesterday! Why is that?"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor, sometimes the bull wins."

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

There's a kid who lives on a farm. One day he comes home from school in a really bad mood. Walking to the house he sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that.
When he walks in the house his mother, who was watching him through the window, says, "I saw you kick those animals. For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."
The kid was about to say something when his father walks through the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.
The kid says to his mom, "You want to tell him or should I?"

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

A man comes running into the doctor's office with nothing around his midsection but a strip of saran wrap, and says "Doctor, doctor, you gotta help me!"
The doctor answers, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts..."

Never wrestle with a pig...you both get all dirty and the pig loves it!
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
Q. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A. Nudity
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q. What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A. Say, "Nice Dick."
Q. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A. Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace will do that to you.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
Q. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time." and a Southern fairy tale begins "
.. 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

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