Past months Featured Jokes.....January 02

After his worst game of golf ever, a husband comes home, plops himself down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
She gets him a beer and fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks irritated, but gets him another beer and slams it down in front of him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is now furious. She yells "You've been out golfing all day! Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of sec's..."

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

.....------------------------------------------
.........Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
.........Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
.........Hand Job $10.00
.....----------------------------------------

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.
He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three
exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager
looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"
The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband reaches a climax, he lets out an outrageous yell.
My dear, the doctor said, that's completely natural and healthy. So, what's the problem?
The problem is, she complained, It wakes me up!

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:
I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ...all in the name of humor.
Flustered, the ventriloquist starts to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You f*ckin' stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"

How to tell the sex of a fly.
Stopped by a friend's 's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly swatter.
When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered, "Yeah, 3 males and 2 females."
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
He answered, 3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
I'm afraid I don't have a husband, she replies.
O.K. do you have a boyfriend?, asks the Midwife.
No, no boyfriend either.
Do you have a partner then?
No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own.
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.
Well, replies the girl. I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.
Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.
Well yes, the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?
Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.
Well yes, continues the girl, I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, Well thank God for that!
What do you mean?! says the midwife, shocked.
Well, says the girl extremely relieved, I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark

THE GREAT WALL --An American Dream !!!!!...
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afganistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afganistan.
Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."
UncleSam" says, "Fill it with water.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Shit, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mommy what's that?" somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge." Content with her answer off he goes...Later he runs into the livingroom and asks "Mommy may I play with your sponge?" again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it." O.K. this pacifies him and back out to play. Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused tha mother asks "You did and where did you find it?" Johnny proudly stated "The maids got it and she is washing Daddy's face with

Once Upon A Time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mother and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, raise my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."

There were these two nude statues in a park, male and female, who always stared at each other. One day, a wizard came up to them and said, "this is your 200th anniversary so I am going to give you just 30 minutes of humanity so spend it well."
The wizard waved his wand and the two statues went behind one of the big trees and the wizard heard giggles laughs and saw a little hanky panky but nothing much. After fifteen minutes they came out exhausted and the wizard asked why don't they do it again so as not to waste their 15 minutes. The male statue said to the female statue "Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."

There are only 2 thing to worry about in life- either you are healthy, or you are sick. If you are healthy you have nothing to worry about, but if you are sick you have 2 things to worry about:either you'll get better, or you'll die. If you get better you have nothing to worry about, but if you die you have 2 things to worry about: either you will go to heaven, or you will go to hell. If you go to heaven you have nothing to worry about, BUT if you go to hell you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with your friends, you won't have time to worry!

Subject: Wise Sayings
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, everyone knows me here.
I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas...
I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

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