Past months Featured Jokes.....February 02

Grandpa
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.
He asked the son about using one of the pills and the son said, I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive.
How much? asked Grandpa.
$10.00 a pill, answered the son.
I don't care said Grandpa, I'd like to try one and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill.
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
I know" said Grandpa, the extra hundred is from Grandma.

A little old lady shaking violently as she walks in to the pharmacy asks the salesperson "do you sell vibrators". Surprised by the request, the sales person says yes! The little old lady says: "Well, how do you turn the damn things off!"

One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where Lucifer is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do with you here," says Lucifer. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
Then Lucifer opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. We hardly have water in Afghanistan and I don't think I could do that all day long."
So Lucifer led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.
So Lucifer opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
Lucifer smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go now."

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened? "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out.
All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear.
The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut.
The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts,
"What the fuck was THAT?!"

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90.
The Hilton charges $108.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of Buffalo manure in the other. He says to the bartender "Me want beer."
The bartender says: "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall draft beer and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, and picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with a shotgun, then walks out.
Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender: "Me want beer." The bartender says: "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian says, "Me in training for job as Goverment employee: drink beer, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of the cooler. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!"
The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

Subject: Town Hall meeting!!!
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed.
A famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. He began to swing it gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,watch the watch ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

MOM'S ADVICE:
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." She screamed.
"I did," He said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides
in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy -"$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.
Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn.
Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked.
A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel," replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today!"

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young Girl, looking poor and tired, so I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the fridge.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her that new birthday sweater that you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?
And so, here we are!"

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
A: To get some air to his brain.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: One US leader.
Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don't do dick.

[ Back ]................................................................................................................................................... [ Forward ]