""Wig's Pumps & Waterworks" still makes me think of Hospitality room after a yes/no vote.... Not to be confused with Victory Brunch aka "Antiques Roadshow and Heavy-set Tranny tour"
Tipped a box with the Duchess of Pork last night.... 6 blocks on
your hands and knees takes longer than you think!
"Don't worry, I just ate beets."
"At dumb, I'm a Viking!"
Godiva: I always need help with the
rimming.
(meaning her coffee cup)
Urethra: And that's why you don't have
a ring yet.
THOMAS: Look at her! But...what's in
her
mouth?
JOE: I'd say a bit.
THOMAS: I'd say that your momma should
have warned you about girls like you, but then again, I'm your momma!
JOE: But then again, you are a girl like
me!
Helen Bed? She *is* a bed!
"I'll see your asshole and raise you a cocksucker!"
"If the tow truck driver's hot, it's going to be okay."
-words to live by
"I don't know what just came outta your ass, but it's stuck in my throat."
"If you can put that many potatos into a bottle, something wonderful is bound to happen."
"Anne's had more black dick in her than a urinal at the Apollo."
"Into every life a little ass shrapnel must fall."
"Hey! That indian stole my dyke!"
DORIAN: Joe, I'm collecting quotes;
talk
funny.
JOE: What am I, a shit-su? I don't talk
funny on command!
TATIANA: Is there a line for this
buffet?
JOE: You skinny bitch! Is there a line?
T!!
(I don't know exactly what that means, but that's exactly how Dorian
wrote it *L*)
"I can get everyone's attention, but I won't be using my voice."
CHAD: A girl likes nice things!
JOE: Then stop leaving your nose prints
on the window!
"Queentum Physics says big girl in motion stays in motion, especially on ice..."
BRIAN: I heard you took a spill
outside.
JOE: Yeah, but I'm okay, I fell on
fat...but
then, you know all about that.
I can't wait to feel the 2.6 feet of love per side in the arms of the Golden Arches Empress...
That's so mini-mall carnival it's not even funny.
Text message to Godiva: Can't
you
wave your magic wang and make it all better?
Wand.
WAND.
Urethra: .... and
we won't have to have styrofoam sets.
Raven: Styrofoam
sex? That's too kinky for me, dear.
Urethra: Sqeeeeeeak
sqeeeeeak squeeeeeeeaky!
Anne:
Unfortunately,
I'll be in Regina performing as Dick.
Urethra: Oh, not
"for" this time.
GODIVA: I'm the Anti-Mommy, like the
Anti-Christ.
URETHRA: I think the Anti-Christ needs
a powder... and GO!
"I'm hotboxing in my own fumes!"
"Martin rolled under a Honda and Thomas had to find a Hummer."
"Shut up and drink your nanaimo bar!"
Godiva: You're kinda Insatiable Mabel
lately,
aren't you?
Urethra: Well, you gotta admit that it's
better than the whole Unstable Mabel thing I had happening.
I think I'm becoming a lesbian. I *have* been wearing a lot of plaid lately.
Crystal Clear: My virtue! My honour!
Urethra: Your shame!
I've always wanted to be under the Almighty, but it was never Electra.
If I get an erection, I'm quitting.
I'm sitting here pinching it, trying to figure out how long it is
...
and if this ends up on Michele's website, I *will* kill you.
(Her HAIR, people! Really!)
JOE: Burn a green candle for me.
GODIVA: New moon is Wednesday. Don't count
your chickens, but I'll burn one for you.
JOE: So
that's
what went wrong. I've been counting candles and burning chickens!
He's got the personality of a bar stool. On a good day, it's right side up.
"It's like telling Michael Faraday: "Fuck you, Faraday! You came up with electric induction and invented the motor which gives us electricity to power everything we love - Pasteur over here stopped us from killing ourselves with MILK!"
JOE: ....Fatboy!
BRIAN: It's my summer weight.
JOE: It's a perfect addition to your
winter
weight!
"Oh my God! That *does* go down easier than you!"
-comparing the new coolers to Thomas
"Of course it doesn't have teeth--look how bad your gums are!"
(when a str8 girl with no panties on lifted
her dress at a party)
JOE: I think I
just
threw up in my mouth alot.
YADA: You can taste
the love
JOE: If that's
love,
I never wanna swallow again!
CHAD: Roxy Diva? Who's that? Never
heard
of her.
JOE: Oh, I think I've seen her around
before. Pushy crown for a nobody.
"Yada's upgraded from a gas-powered to electric c**t - It's a cleaner burn"
"What am I, Boss Hogg to his Roscoe P. Coltrane?"
"mmm, midget love...."
GODIVA: I love the ballet. It amazes
me
what people can do with their bodies.
JOE: That's why I watch porn.
Stephanie Lane-Barr: Oh, look, it
comes
in blue.
Urethra: You can't buy
That; blue is SO last year!
Godiva: If you were a
14 year old girl, would you like this for Christmas?
Urethra: Well, yes,
but then sometimes I AM a 14 year old girl.
"It's gotta vibrate. Otherwise I'm just sticking things up my bum."
"It's only art if you get a government grant."
"Ahhhh! The aroma of shit and perfume! It's worked for the French
for
years!"
(on using cologne for air freshener)
"Why am I not surprised that Roxy is not the keeper of her own box?"
"There's nothing funnier than lesbians in dresses."
"What the hell is it that's wrong with you that's making me do this?"
URETHRA: What's a four letter word for
snatch?
GODIVA: Grab.
URETHRA: You're such a grab.
"Yeesh! Scary white chick under a tree! Where's lightning when you need it?"
STEPHANIE: It's all about foursomes in
Reign Four.
URETHRA:We've moved past foursomes, we're
on to moresomes.
GODIVA: I have your bag. It's on my
box.
URETHRA: Please do not ever say that
again.
"He's a complete and utter dink- and ya knows how I loves my dinks."
"You could kill someone with that thing! Hello! Put me on death row!"
DEEDZ: Godiva is kinda cute!
URETHRA: She used to be a
man......GOTCHA!!!
"Watch out! If I need it, it's going in my box!"
"How the fuck am I supposed to get into this?" (holding up a delicate 36B bra)
" Oh! I gotta fart! Where's Anne? I'm gonna run over to her room, knock on the door, go in, not say a word, fart, then leave! Serves her right...for being so stunned!"
"The secret to Victory Brunch is to have a plate at different tables...that way, it doesn't look like you're eating so much!"
"AH! I rubbed up against one of Deedz' bits!"
"You ever notice that you never hear 'puce' and 'bodybuilder' in the same sentence?"
SHANE: Oh my God, you're dating Anne
now--you
got the old 'grunt and toss'."
JOE: Good to see she moved up from the
old 'pinch and spew'."
"Lost: one transexual. Last seen heading north in rubber boots."
"Don't look at me in that tone of eye."
"Let me count the ways I'm not bitter...oh, right, there aren't any!"
"You think a deer is bad, try hitting a fat chick at 70 mph!"
"It may be my 30th birthday, but it's also Passover. So I get to be 29 again."
"I'm busy. This nice boy is busy too. He's showing me his wiener."
"Jebus, another lesbian sandwich. We gotta find another second home. Would that be a third home?"
"Don't fall down, those tits are heavy. And, no, I will not help you up."
"Don't say the c-word around Godiva; she gets all snatchy."
"That's my European catch-all."
... on a very bad blow-job joke:
JOE: Godiva, where's your fucking PEN?
SABRINA SEVILLE: If this appears
on Michele's webpage, I'll kick your ass!
JOE: Godivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
GODIVA: Nice lunge!
MICHELE: It's just like riding a bike.
JOE: It's pretty hard to skin your knee
while masturbating.
"If you were eating it, tell me what you'd do!"
THOMAS: I lost an earring!
JOE: The way you've been eating, you'll
probably poop it out in a week!
(some time later that morning)
"I think I found your earring."
"Oh my fucking God, those streetlights hurt!"
After her Step-down as Entertainer of the
Year, Urethra notices the bright lights of Winnipeg while being
chauffeured
home by Anne
"Oh, I haven't opened it yet, honey, but thanks - I'll call you if I
like it"
receives a step-down gift
"I had to get door wedges when I made waffles."
"I paid seven bucks for these eyebrows and I look like a Picasso."
"I'm working for ATT and yet I could hear the Sprint pin drop."
"Of course, cos you can't have dowling without glue sticks."
confusing the Wal-Mart employees
"I need a picture of you so the people back home won't think I'm making you up."
"Betty's gone muffins up!"
talking about Jason (you don't want
to know)
"Y'know, I love ___ and all, but sometimes I get the feeling that she'd punch a gopher for half a potato."
"I've sucked three cocks tonight, and my lip
liner's
intact."