NEW THIS WEEK:

"I trust her judgment.  She has many dogs."
-Aaron
(From Rick, who says: This quote from my friend Aaron (yes, I'm naming him) struck me as so, well, odd, that I thought I would share it with others.  During conversation yesterday at brunch, someone mentioned Queen Elizabeth, and this was Aaron's response)

"My mom calls me her little girl when she's drunk."--Aaron B.

"I'm still an asshole, but now I'm a well-trained asshole."--Al

I am CDO. It's like OCD, but in alphabetical order...LIKE IT SHOULD BE! --Alicia D.

"Are you calling me fat?"--Alicia

"Without me, it's only aweso!"--Alicia

"Yay for you for trying to find Jesus, but you hate Jesus!"
-Allison James

"*no one* looks attractive in a onezie!"
-Allison James (a onezie is a tank top and shorts, connected)

How the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.--Alyson S.

"Well, if I sorta go, the bus sorta comes"
- Amber (a friend of Bob's-don't think about this quote too long, or it will start to make sense)

"It was cold...in the ocean and everything...but it was huge!"--Amy, who didn't make out with Tom

Now how will I ever be able to fall asleep tonight...
-Andrea/Wylie, after the sexy Snape video...

There... you can't stay mad at me if I have a cheque for you!!  Right!!?? RIGHT???
-Andrea aka Wylie (words to live by)

"How many women's studies majors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" <gets response of 'I don't know'> "That's not funny!"
-Andrea aka Wylie

"<It's> the first fic I've ever written for a fandom that didn't involve wizards making out.  It's a challenge, I know, however will I write sex without wands and lubrication spells?"
--Andrea aka Wylie

"If it comes near the hole, it's goin' down!"
-Andrea aka Cindy Boom Boom, on cauliflower

"Last year I got a sweater for Christmas....I was really hoping for a moaner or a screamer..."
-Andrea (not our Andrea, but Rita's Andrea)

"I was Cher...woahh..."
-Ang

"That would be great....if I was wearing any...."
Ang, on the properties of gin....

"It's all about presentation."
-Ang

"Better than Iron Man 2, but then again, a good sharp stick to the eye was better than Iron Man 2 ...." Angie

"As I told her, Martin Freeman is the only actor I know to ever enter the uncanny valley without the use of CGI. It's positively creepy."--Angie

He said he wanted to get me Martin Freeman, meaning one - or more, if he could find them - of his movies. But my immediate thoughts/reaction was Gatiss's "The Kidnappers" sketch, but with Martin instead of Peter Davison. It was a full 30 seconds before I said, "No. No, we can't do that." I'm a sad, sad person, aren't I? --Angie

"Virgin rum and water, please....and hold the rum."
-anonymous bar patron 2

"We'll be having sex by 11:15; just shut up; uh-unh; yeah two more."
-Avaughna, finding her nonsensical inner drunk

"Bruce, I don't need the glory; we'll give the glory to our kids."--Avaughna Sanoir

"If you stopped her on the street and said hi, she'd be stuck for a reply!"
-Barb

"Do you have camoflage condoms so no one will see you cumming?"
-Barry

"I've missed your voice--it's so Jason."
-Ben

"She must be special; comes from one of those square states."
-Ben

Dey were tinning out de 'erd."
-Ben

"I have zoom!"
-Ben

"My calves look like they've swallowed grapefruits--it's great!"
-Ben

"You have funky spunk."
-Ben, to Shane

"I pull your finger and it's *my* fault?"
-Ben

"It's not called sex if you don't have something up your butt."
-Ben

"Did I mention these wings are hot?"--Bernie

"And by modern, I mean slutty." - Betti Rage, talking about her outfit for the Bright and Tight Show.

Bianca: You're so bad you can't even ready your bible!...drunken mumbles.

Bianca:  Hi, I'm Bianca Labouche, and I've pissed off a lot of people.

Bianca: You couldn't even get a gondola looking like that.

"I've got a shawl and I'm packing heat-look out!"
-BJ (straight guy at a drag show)

"In wartime the truth is so precious that it must be kept safe by a bodyguard of lies."
-Brad Alexander

"I've never fallen in love, I've only stepped in it."
-Brad Alexander

"The more helpless people are, the more ruthless they become."
-Brad Alexander

"My love life might be taking off.  Ok, ok.  You can get up off the floor now."
-Brent

"At least it proves that I still have standards, even if I'm not finding anyone who lives up to them..."
-Brent

"It's all well and good to be ethnically diverse...unless diversity is living across the street from you!"
-Brent

Breyanna (re: denying the fact that she's a hardcore cougar): "That's not fair!  He was nineteen....until he was sixteen."

"Apparently I'm too native to get a straw...I'm like Squawnita over here!"
-Breyanna

"I'm crosseyed now--things are looking good that shouldn't!"
-Breyanna

"This 'buca makes me feel all warm inside, like I've just been fucked."
-Breyanna, shooter queen

"I'm the Princess of Winnipeg--is my room ready?"
-Breyanna checking into the Regina Inn in a tablecloth

"If you're gonna rufi those up, be sure and tell me so I know which one's mine."--twinky Brian

"It's not stalking if you only take one picture."
-different Brian

"Mike....Hunt....Hurtz....I'm not saying it any faster!"
-Bruce

"I'm going to break up an orgy in the bathroom."--Bruce, Friday night

"So, how many times does Tom go into Thom?"
-Bubbles (a valid question)

"I'm from a farm--I don't know stuff!"
-Cameron, who works with Mitchell

"Life's a pimp and I'm it's bitch."
-Cara Barry

"Well, I've lizarded Michele, and I didn't have to carry an accordion, or shoes, or anything."
-Carla

"...O'er the land of the free, and the home of Michele's nice tits."
 -Carla Foster

"Dutchie, take off my pantyhose--earn your command!"--Carmen

""I can't even shampoo them!"
-Chelsea, drunk, saying 'I had too much sambuca!'

"Where's my title?"
-Cherry

Though I've never seen it.... I was told I would weep and then commit suicide. Didn't like those odds.--Cheyenne (on Catwoman, the Movie)

Hey, I'm not Mc-judgy-pants... he just kind of creeps me out.—Cheyenne

I won't take up Aboriginal Grass Dancing (and believe me I want to) because all my time is devoted to Drag Shows.
-Cheyenne (and how many times will you ever hear that line in one lifetime *L*)

Maybe some people don't have need of $100 jewelry and a Musketeer outfit, but believe me when I say I do. I really, really do. -- Cheyenne

"I think i got some guy's # but i cant remember, once i find my pants i'll check."
-Chris M.

"I'll probably walk too; i'm too drunk to drive-- wait i dont have a car..."
-Chris M.

"What did you do to me? I can't walk now!"
-Chris M. (not what you think)

"May I touch your shoulder while I rub myself inappropriately?"
-Chris M.

Don't mess with that chick! she'll give you the siffelgonnaherpetitus!--Chris N.

 "Do you like vibrators, honey? Cos I've got epilepsy!"
-Chris Smith

"I did not know there were as many goats in the world as my job blew today."
-Chris@Tramps

"It's all her fault (indicates Barbara)! Well, no it's not, but I've got to blame someone!"
-Chris, GMOH 2008

"I'll sound like a trashcan at McDonald's."
-Chuck, on wearing a seagull on his head

"I can't, I'm driving."
-Chuck, with the blind man's excuse for not drinking

"This isn't Pittsburg?"
-Chuck, at Calgary's brunch.

"I'd call you fresh, but you're not!"
-Chuck (on Avaughna's inappropriate touching)

"All I remember from last night is something about vagenies and genies...."
-Claudia Silva

"Friends help friends--if it's inbetween paydays and you've helped your friend, they should buy you a drink!"
-Clayton

"Remember, ride him like a pony."--Clint

The marquee at Club 200:
Appearing Tonight:
Empress Stephanie "Four"-Lane-Barr and the Heavy-Set Tranny Tour

"I made it! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!"-Corey (still drinking at last call)

"You look sad; do you want a hug from Unca Corey?"
-Corey

"I'm a vegan--I don't swallow!"
-Corey, teasing Brent, not advertising

"Even *her*  boobs look hot to me right now..."
-Corey

"Oh, I wouldn't want anyone to steal my NIVEA CREME!"
Corey, on travelling with Cameron

"You're the politest bitch I know."
-Corey, last Friday (also using the Empress' disclaimer)

"Mmmm, bacon buddies...."--Courtney

"If somebody's gay, then damn straight they're gay!"
-crazy drunk guy on a Thursday night...

"They're not great ta-tas, but they're ta-tas."
-Crystal Ball

"Don't mind me...just chatting up your husband...he's half naked, you know...just how I like my men...I don't wanna know how big it is...I'll just use my imagination...it'll be such a disappointment when he drops the sarong!"
-Crystal Ball (to Curt)

"Did you actually babygate her?"
-Curtis to Jaimie

"I'm getting a visual: BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! And...BLACKOUT!"
Daniel D.

"Brunch is good when it's good brunch."
Daniel Delissio

"What's beef batter?"
-Daniel Delissio (it's an Emperor thing, I guess)

"Oh, she's got class; it's just all third."
-Dan J.

"It's all downhill once you get past the knob."
-Dan J.

"At least there's no lumps on the bar."
-Dan J., post-belch

"That's it--from now on, all tricks don't have names, just outfits..."
-Danny

"I'm a man--we can't clamp."--Daniel, after a much needed bathroom break

"No, we're Ding Dongs--cake on the outside, creme in the middle."
-Danielle

"Ooh, phasers."
-Darrell (feeling less than threatened by William Shatner last Friday at work)

"Every gay man has crossed a bush."
-Dave F.

"Libations! LIBATIONS!!!"
-David G. aka Commando Dave

"You smile that smile...the one that if the teeth were a little further apart, you could spit those bullets right through."
-Dave K.

"If you don't have two brain cells to rub together, shake up the one you do have!"
-Dave K.

DAVID: Mom, quit getting me on the cover of fag mags.

So who's running for the captain of the pink team this year?
David (Godiva's son)

"I'm a ventriloquist; I can change a full bottle into an empty one!"
-Denise

"I did not say that! Brian said it!"
-Denise

"Hurry up, I need the glass!"
-Denise (twenty guests, two shooter glasses)

"Once a Pickles, always a Pickles!"
-Denise

"Whoo! Battery puppets!"
-Derek from Tramps, bored at work

"It's just like When Harry Met...Me!"
-Derrick

"That's how I roll, no sweaty taint for me"--Dionne

"Fuck her for being so young and promising!"
-Don, on the set of Shot In The Face

"Fuck afterglow; I need disinfectant!"--Don C.

"I'm not a sex object, I'm just a c**t."
-Donna Mae, telling it like it is

"You're the one making the biggest mistake of your life--why are you mad at me?"
-Don C.

"I told you guys you should have had him put down years ago."
-Don C., making room for a new board member

"Welcome to Ontario, where you can marry a fag but you can't smoke one!"
-Donna Duyawanna

"Last time I was up here you caled me a ho!"
-Elypsis, on stage with Da Ling

"Bodacious, even!"
-Endora (on Crystal's ta-tas)

"I had to take an SOS pad to the rubber boot marks on my legs so I could wear pantyhose!"
-Erin Whitney Blake on living in the redneck capital of Canada

"Carmen, who did you do in the bathroom on Friday?"--everyone at brunch on Sunday

"Sit your lemon self down, bitch!"--Ezra

"Proceeds from tonight's show will go to the benefit of the doubt..."--Fer

"Hello, pot, kettle calling!"
-Fred Kish

"I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch."
-Fred K.

"I am trying to text my husband that Trixie looks amazing and I keep getting Troxide."
--Fred K.

"So I said, 'Pack this......what was I talking about?"
-Newfie Fred

"Bi-ah-uh-otch..."
-Newfie Fred, pushing a word past the beer...

"If it's awkward sex, it's no good!"
-Newfie Fred

"Two holes she had and he still got it wrong!"
-when sex goes wrong at Newfie Fred's house

"I only had sex with him once, but it was for a whole weekend."
-Newfie Fred

"If they're talkin' about me, they're leavin' someone else alone."
-Newfie Fred

"You won't get any if you don't get into bed with 'em!"
-Newfie Fred, talking politics

"I'll tell ya, I could fall naked into a bucket of cunts, and still come out holding myself!"
-Newfie Fred (on not getting any...)

"I'll play 'Scrabble' on your lips if you keep that up!"
-Newfie Fred

"I've chewed better dicks than yours!"
-the other Fred

"It's not as uncommon as you would think."
front desk clerk, on Yada's broken bed
 

"Unbelievable.  It doesn't surprise me at all.  It's their own self hatred that spurs them on.  They hate being gay, so they hate all gays.  He has no control over his own desires, so he tries to control everyone else around him.  Anti-abortion, anti-gay.  Try to control women.  Try to control gays.  Try to control yourself you lying, cheating, hypocritical, self hating bastard."
- Laurie's friend Gale, commenting on the article about the anti-gay, Alabama attorney general caught in bed with his male aide.

"I believe in the separation of Church and food."
Laurie's friend Gale when told about the SoCal based fast food joint that puts Scripture on their drink cups.

"She said 'Feel me up'! When we're at home I know exactly what she's talking about!"
-Gail

"I've been ridden hard and put away wet--put *that* in your little quote!"
-Gayla

"Men have two brain cells, you know, and when one gets lost, the other goes to find it."
-Gayla

"It's foaming like a bad yeast infection."
-Geoff

Who wears mesh these day?
-Geoff

"First day eating."
-Geoff, dropping food

"Cheez Whiz is just one step away from Lego!"
-Geoff

"I try my best to dispatch my wise sayings -- unfortunately, usually noone is listening. As Robert explained to me, I am a dying breed in today's world -- somehow I think more people will care about their fellow earthlings than those that don't care. And I will preach my philosophy of truth to a smaller and smaller group that care as long as I can. I still live under the delusion that when I say I'm from Saskatchewan, that means my word is all you need, and I hold people more important than worldly things."
-Gerald Tyndall
(don't even try to tell me I don't have one of the coolest dads on the planet!)

"Hey! So many good music, I'm gonna loose (sic) twenty pounds tonight!"
-Gerry H.

"You guys are making me nervous.."
Gio's Bartender to Regina's upper house with flashy cups

"I would like to order one of those drinks in the flashy cups"
girl at bar admiring Regina's upper house drinking devices

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but I wanted to let you know that we have more sizes in the back."
-girl at Le Chateau to Chad and Abbie while they were practicing their number in the middle of the store

"We're going to Hawaii-shut up!"
-Gord
(Note: you really had to be there, trust me, it was funny)

Darling I'm right in the middle of being fantastic, can you bother me later?--Grace Stephanie

"Oh God! You're the purple pen girl!"
-Greg from Winnipeg

“You know your dog is getting old when he walks into a tree, then steps back and barks at it.”—Greg B.

Your cat's meowing--for the full effect stick a fork in your leg--Greg B.

"your village called and their idiot is missing"
-Greg B. (of Greg and Louise fame)

"Gotta go--gotta find a man before dawn."
-Greg D.

"When you're trying to pick someone up, it's not good to have insufficient funds."
-Greg (Mr. Gay Regina 12)

"'It' took a long pee.
-Greg (Mr. Gay Regina 12)

"I happen to be content with my size."
-Henry, waiter at brunch

"Ch-Ch-Ch China, Ch-Ch-Ch Chanukah, Ch-Ch-Ch Cheap - Notice how they all start with the same sound...."
-Hillary Brooks

"Oh, it doesn't hurt half as much as she does!"
-Hillary Brooks

"If you want something announced, write it down!"
-Hillary Brooks

"Somebody lied to...(insert anything here)."
-Iona Whipp (although she's got everyone saying it now-maybe she thinks it's because people like her-somebody lied to her!)

"I liked Avatar better when it was called Dances With Wolves."--Jack L.

"Oh, sure, I take a stab at lesbian broads--they're cool!"
-James B., when asked if he was a lesbian

"Nah, I don't speak Turkish."
-James B., when asked if he spoke Cree

"If a pitbull humps your leg, fake an orgasm!"
-James

"Why did they put that guy's face on my body?"
-James, looking at a hot man in a magazine

Though thy graham crackers and chocolate be shaven, thou," I said, "art sure these you're craving,
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore —
Tell me what thy lordly name is cooking on this flame near the shore"
Quoth the Raven, "Never s'more."
--James D.

"I like children, but I can't eat more than just one."--James D

"Whatever, and what!"
-Jaimie aka Kim Possible

"It's going to be a long night if I can't even operate a creamer."
-Jaimie aka Kim Possible

"Do not dramage my chooter choes...."
-Jaimie aka Kim Possible

"If it isn't wrapped in bacon, it's not worth eating!"
-Jaimie aka Kim Possible

I'm having cheese whiz on toast and this time its not a rice crispie square from a hotel vending machine that I am pretending is cheese whiz and toast....-Jaimie aka Kim Possible

"You release way easier."
-Jan (to Brian)

"Me mum would say we're common as ditchwater."
-Jane

"I'm the only one at work who knows how to work the coffee maker!"
-Janet, GMOH 2008

"Give me ambiguity, or give me something else!"
-January (who actually sent a quote using the words 'o wisdom link on this page-ask me how impressed I am!)

"Not everyone deserves my special kisses, and not everyone deserves to share my saliva."
-January, who was born in October (that's how Trixie introduced us to this drunken little straight girl *L*)

"Don't forget the unpredictable salad."
-Jared (playing restaurant with Jordan)

"If you don't get it right this time, I will cut you, for real. Action."
Jason,  giving Lisa some concrete motivation

"Don't try to tell me the boys fight better than the girls, because they don't!"
-Jason's grandmother, watching BtVS

Actually i'm already cooking up Karl Marx and Tommy Douglas some smokies in Stalin's backyard, and Castro is bringing the beer.
--Jeff B.

"Hey, Skinny! How's it goin', Skinny?"
Jeff B., mocking an evil bar patron

"You are Mayor McCheese, the mayor of Clown Town!"
-Jeff B., so much fun after a couple of pitchers of draft

"I wouldn't step onto a welfare court like that!"
-Jeff B., tennis elitist

"I dunno, they all look pretty lost to me."
-Jeff B., responding to the question, 'have you seen any lost lesbians in here?'

"I don't make the rules, I just think them up and write them down."-Jeff B.

"You're a vegetarian bottom? Off you go!"
-Jeff

"We're not Cambodians!"--Jefferson
we never thought you were, sugar

"I'm just waiting for the fruitiness..."
Jennifer Tyndall, on not biting into your candy

"Nice box."
-Jennifer Tyndall, on my painting ability

"Be careful Mommy, you'll fall and Aunty Michele will laugh."
-Jennifer Tyndall, age 4

"Heat is *not* the fat girl's friend." - Laurie's sister Jennifer

"Play?"
-Jeremy (see Over the Hedge for the full experience)

"You know it's gonna be a good story when it starts out with "this isn't racist at all, because it happened.."--Jeremy B.

Why, why, WHY is "Ninja Impaled" in PAPYRUS font?!--Jesse H.

I want to put my mouth on Sheldon's mouth.
-Jesse H., fan of TBBT

If there are Harlequin Romance novels involving tentacle sex, I am so all over that.
--Jesse H.

"Third winter is my favourite season of them all. Followed closely by pretend spring, and day of summer."
-Jesse I.

"You'd be surprised how tiring air hockey is--my ass is so sore!"
-Joanne

"I thought it was broken, but now I think it's just mangled."--Jocelyn

"Lemonade my ass!"--Joe tries a Blanche

"it was like really great sex. It was non-stop action. It was over too soon and it left me wanting more." Jonathan W. on Star Trek Into Darkness

 I like umbrella carrying days, my inner 12 year old gets to wield a light-sabre, while still being disguised as a fully functional adult member of society.--Jonathan W.

"You sleep with them once, and you have to hug them when they leave."
-Jon W.

"Just break my heart and set fire to my pubes."
-Jordan

"...thinking about you makes my heart heavy and my eyes water 'cause I miss you so much"
-my godson Jordi, talking to his grandma

"My ovaries are dragging..."
-Jose

"Shane's just raunchy to me 'cos he's a meanhead!"
-Josh

"Even the wind is cynical in Regina..."
-J.P.

"I'm sorry, I can't talk about that until the trial is over."
-J. Parsons

"Paul Hogan, another member of the where-are-they-now club."
-J. Parsons

"I dislike other people!"
-Jason "J.P." Parsons, who adds,
"I can't overemphasize the above more!"

Why am i still up at this hour... why is the sky blue... why do smarties come in different colors when they all taste the same.... why don't i just go to bed.
Jason Parsons

"Just call me a master-baker."--Jeremy

"Love your beaver."
-Juicy (not sure who she was talking to, but pretty sure it wasn't Michele)

"Look at the fuddy duddys in the corner!"
-Juicy

"You're so hot I want to shove a corn cob up your butt and make popcorn."--Justine

"I've got ribbon. Want one?"
-Karly

KAT: I'm strictly dickly.

"I'm gonna go over there and rip off one of her tits and she'll look like a lopsided unicorn!"
-Keith, exhibiting road rage

Kel Surprix: (to Crystal on her Bday): I would like to say we have been  through thick and thin but we have only been through thick.

"Do I look like I have a Coleman camp stove strapped to my ass?"
-Mrs. Kenworthy, aka Morticia, domestic goddess

"I'll make 'em feel gooder."
-Kerry, on Mitchell's nipples

"My fly was down my whole last walk!"
-Kerry

"That table's last so we get bacon."--Kerry

"Normally I get stuck beside the old woman who smells like yeast and Halls..."
-Kevin Jacobi

I want an Ipad for those days of heavy workflow so I can feel confident. Ipad, the super absorbant computer now thinner for extra comfort.--Kevin J.

"I'll get in the middle 'cos he's more jumpety-uppity."
-Kim

-Kory

"It's not so much a treasure trail as a treasure map!"
-Krys Styles

"I'm Al-Quaida Barbie!"
-Krys Styles

"You so don't want me in your house--how's your bathroom?"
--Krys Styles, little bit drunk

"... deep philosophical meaning is hard to come by."
- Kyle

"She's not gross, she just has no soul."
-Kyle

"..."
-Kyle (he's either bored, or boring, I can never tell which)

Larene sitting at the bar with all guys around "So this must be a sausage party tonight, there's no chicks here!"

"Does it look like I blew off a Smurf, or what?"
-Larene, on her new blue lip gloss

"Fuck Mister Lube for all I fuckin' care!"
-Larene, being delicate

"I don't want a piece of flapjack on me!"
-Larene (funnier if you know she's not talking about food)

"It's all about the mood lights--you're hot!"
-Larene

"Okay, I'm done screaming and banging my head on the computer. I can now listen to your tech support question now."-Lean

"Those fuckin' aneurisms--they sneak up on ya!"
-Leanne

"I don't know what smoldering cum smells like."
-Lee S.

"When they cheat on me why do they always fuck the ugly ones?"
-Lee S.

"You have to watch out for those Mexicans--they trip."
-Lewis

"You blended with your dress and I thought you were naked,"--Lexy to Mercedez

"Don't these look real? You should stick your dink in them!"--Lexy to Kyle

"Mine would just leak rice..."
Louella, on drag queens getting their nipples pierced.

"For the amount of money that guy makes, he should wear socks."
-Louella

"Why would you put rufies in your own drink?"
-Marlo

"God, if you have to bump donuts like that, could you do it where I don't have to watch?"
-Marlo, on two sketchy lesbian-wannabes

"I always drink this sometimes."
-Marlo

"This song makes me want to punch myself in my own face. " - Marlo

"I don't know when I became a communal asset, but...."
-Dorian's ex-boyfriend

"Showin' everyone your tighty whities...your man panties!"
-Melisa

"There's too much drunk goin' on there!"
-Melisa

"Look at me--all potato body and tennis ball head!"
-Melisa

"If that's our future, I'm scared!"--Mercedez

Accept no substitutions! It's the official Cthulu doll only if it's stuffed with entrails! Look for their mark of quality!
--Merv

"Do you actually want me to evaporate?"
-Michael C., learning about his gall bladder

"I didn't piss in a ditch."
Michele from Nebraska

"I now spell my name M-I-C-H-E-L-U-E because everything in Canada has an extra U in it."
Michele from Nebraska

"What the heck is this 'doily-Return-of-the-Jedi' outfit?"
-Michele from Nebraska doing colour commentary at Tuff Drag

"I'm afraid of my own cookies."  - Laurie's Mom, Mimi

"Don't look at me. I'm a mom too. It's written in stone somwhere. Kinda like the Ten Commandments, but real."--Miranda

"She might be good for a night in bed, but that's it...and she was, actually...but that's it!"
-Missy

"Aw, that's nice; let's just cuddle."
-Monique, size queen part 2

"That was Drive By Disturbing!"
-Monique

"Mitchell's cheese is still on the cracker."--Monique

"I threw my wigs in the washing machine, between you and me, and rinsed 'em out in Downey...I don't know why they are the way they are!"
-Nada

"Well, good luck with that!"
-Nada, to the guy introduced to him as "the only straight guy in SaskExpress"

"He wanted to get all freaky 'n' shit, but all I could do was the side shuffle."
-Nada Chance

"You're pretty."
-Nada (a gay boy's politically correct response to a fag hag's query "Do you think I'm sexy?")

Does anyone have a blank cd and the ability to burn to it?I can't believe I'm asking this right now.....!"
-Nathan Labatt

"Paul can sue her ass for twenty five million pounds. He can get his money back and then he can marry me!"--Neal from Liverpool

"Feel free to leave your personal belongings on the bus. Paddy will stay with them. Oh, the bus won't be here, but Paddy'll be with 'em."--Neal from Liverpool

"It's like Rambo, but with Asian people dancing."
-Neil, on Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

"She'll kick your ass but you'll have to put your ass on the ground so she can reach it."--Nina Tron on Chyna

"Can I have a second straw, so it doesn't remind me of him?"
-Owen

"Pheremoners? I'm a moaner, but I don't know about that other one. Is it in the same family?"
-Owen

"I have no problem with alcohol, so long as there's beer in the fridge."
-Owen

"Angry bunnies, angry bunnies!"
-Pam

"We're all about the casual racial slurs here at the GLCR."
-Pam

"Dorky, not darky!"
-Pam

"I was travelling in what I thought was a purple Neon and it turned out to be a pewter Cavalier!"
-Pam

"No teabagging at the breakfast table, thank you."
-Pam

"If I'd known that was *her* wig, I'd have peed on it."
-Penelope Vanderloon

"No, Thomas, like this....uhuhuhuhuh.....uhuhuhuh.....uhuh....uhuhuhuh.....uhuh.....uh...normally I follow that with putting a finger to my head like a gun and quietly saying *bang*"
Pete(after telling Thomas a really, really bad joke...that got some polite laughter):

"Last week I was unprepared and was in shorts, a simple t-shirt, and it was a 3-smarty night, I tell ya."
-Pete, on air conditioning

"You're Princess Not getting Leia-d!"
-Peter, Troy's brother

"Don't sit on me, I'm not Santa Claus."
-Peter, Troy's brother

"I can't have herpes--Jesus was clean!"--Qbert Ball

"You could be like James Bond, all using your nipples to cut glass..."--random twink, to Emperor Daniel
(for more on Daniel's nipples, see Cameron's quotes)

I had two relapses this year--don't call me a lesbian!"--Randy

"It's freezing out! I was warm before under my liquor blanket, but it's wearing off!"--Randy

"I'm so gay and drunk!"
-Randy

"He's my Ba'lana fuck!"
-Randy, telling us more than we needed to know!

"My anecdotes come out fast...like my boyfriends."
-Randy

"If you can't pick up in Regina, there's always Ether."
-Randy

"Twank: Twinks that have been brought up in a small town with a country music influence."
-Randy

"Yeah, pinch a twink and slap his ass just once, and you're not welcome back here again."
-Randy

"All I want for Christmas is *HER* two front teeth."
-Raven

""Holy Captain Stare-Much!"--Rebecca

"Women are like spaghetti--all straight until you get them wet."
-Rebecca

"Staying with someone you really love even if you know you two can't be together for a lot of reasons is like standing under the rain... It feels good but you know it will soon make you sick."--Reigndrops Weislocker

"I know you got some good donations, but that is an excessive amount of dildos."
--Richard Sanoir

"On the corner of McIntyre and Victoria in Regina stands the Salvation Army downtown community church. A sign outside the Church reads "Building People for God". My friend Keir wonders if the Salvation Army knows that's what got Dr.Frankenstein in so much trouble. My theory? The Salvation Army is an unwitting accomplice in God's new Soylent Green diet."
-Rick

"You look tired; I called you a cab."
-Rick, on how to be subtle when breaking up a party

"This'd be a better story if one of you had done the other for crack."
-Rick

"What about my drama?"
-Rick (playing designated drama driver)

"I'm all over that like government money on a bad idea."
-Rita

"Snakes don't have arms; that's why they don't wear vests."
-Rob

"Help. She's holding us hostage!"
-Robert Tyndall (my brother, talking about my niece, Jennifer)

"I'm not going to fall off my barstool cos I don't plan on sitting down"
-Ron

"Oh, I've got other people for that--I'm more worried about hefting a drink."
-Ron, explaining priorities with a hurt finger

"This is my mountain lion dress--I'm gonna mount everyone and lie about my age..."--Roxy Diva

"I run a store just like that...except it's a porn shop."
-Roxy Ricochet

"Assess your life!"
--Ruby Hymen (as insults go, it might need some work)

"Robin's egg blue? Oh, that's like periwinkle, but less purple, right? Oh! That was gay, wasn't it?"
-Ryan K(new guy)

"I can't handle this whole holding my head up..."
-Ryan, aka Shooter Boy

"Look at me, I'm a grinning bobcat."
-Ryan (not shooter boy)

"Stick out your tongue, I want to see if I want one."
-Ryan V (ask him about his deal with Rory)

"That's discribination!"
-Sam

"Sweet Valley High! Would you look at the shorts on him!"
-Sam

"Lesson of the day-don't keep water balloons in your pocket."
-Samantha

"I think Sears gives me diahrrea."
-Samantha (it was a McDonald's poutine moment)

"McDonalds has poutine."
-Samantha (using the Empress' disclaimer)

"Holy snappin' fuck!"
-Samantha (via Lola by way of Adam, apparently, but I heard Sam say it first)

"Okay, this reveals my ovaries."
-Scott, on buying a new swimsuit

"No one would voluntarily have themselves committed, they'd have to be nuts!"
-Sean, co-worker in hell

"Devin, your box is ringing."
-Sharon

"You know it's a good thing when there's a matching bag..."
-Shauna

I want a finger ring--Shawn

"It's just like the gay bar! He wants your hot dog!!!"--Sheri

"You can be in jail for fifteen years and have sex, and it's not gay sex, it's (insert quotey fingers here) "prison sex"."--Sherry, some deranged woman at the bar last night

"It sucks royal dick!"
-Sir Jock, doing a car song...

"Thasha great hat...."
-some drunk outside Club 200 gives Urethra a compliment

"I have to call my mom and tell her that Rita MacNeil joke."
-Spencer (it was his enthusiasm that made it funny)

"Daddy, you missed!"
-Stef (you don't want to know...)

"She jumped into a deep fryer and had to drink her way out!"
-Stef

"I am a machine!"
-Stef

"You don't need to tongue it!"
-Stef

"Didja piss in your bottle so you could drink it again?"
-Stef

"It doesn't take a brain scientist to figure that one out."
-Stef

"It's neon pink--it had to be eaten!"
-Stef

"I shove a maxi-pad in my underwear and I get in free everytime."
-Steve

"It's not how deep you fish, it's how much you jiggle your worm!"
-Steve

"It's not as fun when you wear underwear."
-Steve

"Me and Miserable--going the extra mile for you!"--Steve

"Mama, did you free the Winnipeg Two?"
-Symara to Sabrina

"The Sands is that hotel they built around Anne while she was working on the corner."
-Tami Whynot

"My name is Tatiana, and this is my anus."
-Tatiana

"Spread your legs!"
-Jaimie's niece Taylor (age 3), to her Cabbage Patch doll

'You've been shopping at the twenty five dollar word store again'.
-TC

I realise that it just doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty. There is clearly room for more vodka either way.-Terry T.

"What kind of drinks come in cups?"
-Tesa

"If I close my eyes I can't see her so she can't see me, therefore the knife will not affect me."
-Theresa

Tom (to str8 people at Gerry's Diner at 3 am) We're gay, but it's ok, we're the good kind"

"Save the chunks, we can make a sandwich with them later. "
-Montana Tom

"Dude, I'm not gonna have sex with you on an air mattress in my friend's living room!"
-Montana Tom

"Shut the door, please."--Tom, that Amy totally didn't make out with but that she thinks she was supposed to, on a boat in the U.K.

"I hate this!"
-Tony, first timer

"Good coffee."
-Prince Tony, afraid of being quoted

“She doesn’t come in my feed anymore!” Tony Taylor

"Honey from behind you look like Princess Di,  from the front... Margaret Thatcher."
-ToyBetz

"That's why she sits with her legs wide open in a mini-skirt-it's dry cleaning!"
-ToyBetz, trying to make sense of a drunken birthday boy

"I was very particular--I made them use 2 blankets--I didn't want anything splashing through!"
-ToyBetz

"Then why isn't she doing the theme from Armageddon?"
-ToyBetz, commenting on who a certain performing drag queen is sleeping with

"When in doubt, honour the dead."
-ToyBetz

"Ah...nice."
-ToyBetz

"I think the baby toe's on the way out...on an evolutionary scale..."
-Trisha

"Mom, one of these days you're going to have to stop going to clown town, because one of these days I'm not going to come pick you up!"
-Trisha (it's all in the delivery)

"Shut up because I'm the baby Jesus!"
-Trisha (ya gotta see the video!)

"Well, I don't really understand you either, sir."
-Trisha, showing off good customer relations

"Nice bum, Deb. What are you feeding it?"
-Twiggy

"They don't know what a diamond in the ruff they have over here."
-Tyler

Y as in Wyoming!
Q as in Cucumber!
L as in Elephant!
C as in See-saw
F as in Effort
I as in Eyeball
M as in Empathy
N as in Endless
R as in Artist
S as in Estrogen
X as in Excellent
--Various smart ass Filipinos on/in/over/at/under/along the bus showing off their English *L*

"Finally,  it's Padme.  She's dying of a broken heart? What the Fuck is that?  How could that have possibly been a good idea while writing the script?  Mister lava-backstroke-no-limbs can be saved,  no problemo,  but if your tooooo sad... well... it's off to the bad actress barbeque for you.  You gotta admit,  that's just fubar."
-Wade

"I am like a ninja."-the waiter at Red Lobster, sneaking up behind Mitchell to pour coffee

"Oh, just bite into it--you can always spit it out."
-waitress at the Plains

"I was drunk. You were there."
--wedding vows, or the theme for brunch this week, said by many people
 
 
 

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