Sherlock In
Real Life (on actors, writers and other projects)
***
Irene Adler: Do you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it's always a self-portrait.
Sherlock: You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face?
Irene Adler: No, I think you're damaged, delusional, and believe in a higher power. In your case, it's yourself.
Mycroft Holmes: My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?
John: I don't know.
Mycroft Holmes: Neither do I. But initially he wanted to be a pirate.
DI Lestrade: Have you heard of Sherlock Holmes?
DI Carter: Who?
DI Lestrade: Well, you're about to meet him now. This is your case. Tt's entirely up to you. This is just friendly advice. But give Sherlock five minutes on your crime scene and listen to everything he has to say. And as far as possible, try not to punch him.
John: You wearing any pants?
Sherlock: No.
John: Okay.
Mycroft Holmes: Just once can you two behave like adults?
John: We solve crimes, I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.
Sherlock: Punch
me in the face.
John: Punch you?
Sherlock: Yes. Punch me. In the face. Didn't you hear me?
John: I always hear 'punch me in the face' when you're speaking. But it's usually subtext.
John: Punch you?
Sherlock: Yes. Punch me. In the face. Didn't you hear me?
John: I always hear 'punch me in the face' when you're speaking. But it's usually subtext.
Sherlock: There's
no point in my leaving the house for anything less than a seven. We
agreed.
John: When did we agree that?
Sherlock: We agreed to it yesterday.
John: I wasn't even at home yesterday, I was in Dublin.
Sherlock: It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.
Mycroft: Don't be alarmed; it's to do with sex.
Sherlock: Sex doesn't alarm me.
Mycroft: How would you know?
John: When did we agree that?
Sherlock: We agreed to it yesterday.
John: I wasn't even at home yesterday, I was in Dublin.
Sherlock: It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.
Mycroft: Don't be alarmed; it's to do with sex.
Sherlock: Sex doesn't alarm me.
Mycroft: How would you know?
***
Mycroft: You don't seem very afraid.
John: You don't seem very frightening.
"Oh, look at you lot. You're all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing."
-- Sherlock
"Dear God, what is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring!"
-- Sherlock
"I'm not a psychopath, I'm a highly functioning sociopath. Do your research."
-- Sherlock (to Anderson)
"We've got a serial killer! Love those, there's always something to look forward to."
-- Sherlock
Donovan: "Are these human eyes?"
Sherlock: "Put those back!"
Donovan: "They were in the microwave!"
Sherlock: "It's an experiment!"
Sherlock: "Shut up."
Lestrade: "I didn't say anyth-- "
Sherlock: "You were thinking. It's annoying."
"Anderson, don't talk out loud, you lower the IQ of the entire street."
-- Sherlock
John: "That...was amazing."
Sherlock: "Do you think so?"
John: "Of course it was, it was extraordinary. It was quite extraordinary."
Sherlock: "That's not what people normally say."
John: "What do people normally say?"
Sherlock: "Piss off."
John: "You have a girlfriend?"
Sherlock: "Girls not really my area."
John: "Oh...so do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine."
Sherlock: "I know it's fine."
John: "So you have a boyfriend."
Sherlock: "No."
John: "Oh, okay. So you're unattatched then. Just like me. Fine, good."
Sherlock: "... John, erm... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work, and while I'm flattered I'm not really looking for any-- "
John: "No, no, that's not what I... no! I'm just saying... it's all fine."
Sherlock: "... Good. Thank you."
"We can't giggle, it's a crime scene."
-- John
John: "This is how you get your kicks, isn't it? You risk your life to prove you're clever."
Sherlock: "Why would I do that?"
John: "Because you're an idiot."
"And since yesterday you've moved in with him and now you're solving crimes together. Might we expect a happy announcement by the end of the week?"
-- Mycroft
"Look, I'm in shock, I have a blanket."
-- Sherlock
Brilliant! Yes! Ah, four serial suicides and now a note. Oh, it's Christmas.--Sherlock
Mycroft: Do you plan to continue your association with Sherlock Holmes?
Watson: I could be wrong, but I think that's none of your business.
Mycroft: It could be.
Watson: It really couldn't.
Sherlock: You took your time.
Watson: Yeah, I didn't do the shopping.
Sherlock: What? Why not?
Watson: Because I had a row in the shop with a chip and pin machine.
Sherlock: You had a row with a machine?
Watson: Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse.
Sherlock: I said could you pass me a pen?
Watson: What, when?
Sherlock: About an hour ago.
Watson: Didn't notice I'd gone out then?
Sherlock: I need some air. We're going out tonight.
Watson: Actually, I've got a date.
Sherlock: What?
Watson: It's where two people who like each other go out and have fun.
Sherlock: That's what I was suggesting.
Watson: No, it wasn't. At least I hope not.
Sherlock: I need your help.
Watson: I do have a couple of other things on my mind this evening.
Sherlock: Like what?
Watson: You are kidding.
Sherlock: What's so important?
Watson: Sherlock, I'm right in the middle of a date. You want me to chase some killer while I...
Sherlock: What?
Watson: While I'm trying to get off with Sarah. (Sarah overhears) Hey... ready?
John: "There's a head in the fridge. A bloody head!"
Sherlock: "Where else was I supposed to put it?"
John: "A severed head!"
Sherlock: "Just tea for me, thanks."
"Oh hell, what does it matter?! So we go round the sun - if we went round the moon or... round and round the garden like a teddy bear, it wouldn't make any difference."
-- Sherlock
Sherlock: "You read his blog?"
Lestrade: "'Course I read his blog, we all do! Do you really not know that the earth goes around the sun?"
Lestrade: "But what's this got to do with that painting? I don't see-- "
Sherlock: "You do see, you just don't observe!"
John: "Alright! Alright, girls, calm down."
John: "Fantastic."
Sherlock: "Meretricious."
Lestrade: "And happy new year."
"Oh, so you meant spectacularly ignorant in a nice way."
-- Sherlock
John: "You, ripping off my clothes in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk."
Sherlock: "People do little else."
"Those spoiled heterosexuals, with their plethora of orifices."
--Sherlock, from 'The Next Move' by Berlynn Wohl
The funny thing is, John never really knew the city until he began running through her night streets beside a dark-haired man, both of them moving too fast to see much, but never too fast to feel—feel her old pavement beneath their feet, her rain on their faces, her winter cold deep down in their welcoming bones. And finally, to feel the fast, sweet pounding of one another's hearts.
-- Minutiae by Atlin Merrick