TELEVISION'S FINEST MOMENTS...
(or at least stuff that I found funny)

New This Week:

Briggs: You wanna keep your eyeballs?
Mike: Uh, yeah
-Graceland

DJ: Please tell me you aren't trying to get laid right now?
Johnny: I ain't tryin' it's just gonna happen, man.
-Graceland

DJ: I'm like a chocolate Jesus.
-Graceland

Mrs. Grinnell: I get my news online like everyone else, sweetheart.
-Under The Dome

"No putz, no glory."
–Eric Pierpoint,  Alien Nation

"He is just a man, and I am Erica Kane-need I say more?"
-Susan Lucci, All My Children

The Jackelope: Fast as fast can be but you'll never catch me!
 America's Funniest Home Videos"

Poor Ninnie, all puckered up and no ass to kiss."
-Angela, Angela Anaconda

"Spoot, spoot, spoot."
-The Angry Beavers(Nickelodeon)

"It's beer o'clock." - Chef Anthony Bourdain

SHAKE: I got rid of my teeth at a young age because... I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get them.
-Aqua Teen Hunger Force

"He's a sad sad, bunny. A sad, sad bunny.
 TV isn't funny, when you're a sad, sad bunny."
                      -Art Garfunkle, guest appearing on the kids show Arthur

"Always keep your bowler on in time of stress, and watch out for diabolical masterminds."
           --Emma Peel, The Avengers

"I knew what you were up to Penguin so I gently coated my stomach with buttermilk."
- Bat-Man

"Fruits? We love fruits!"
–Pip and Pop,  Bear In The Big Blue House

"All I'm saying is there a lunatics all over the city.  Why not strap sponges to their feet and let *them* clean the streets."
Dr. John Becker "Becker"

"She wouldn't use the term lesbian, even if her mouth was full of one"
-Panelist on Benmergui Live, on Ellen

Joe: What are you working on?
Richard: Not throwing you out the window.
Joe: How's it going?
Richard: Not so good.
Caroline in The City

Jeffrey Ross: I wouldn't fuck Bea Arthur's dick with Andy Dick's pussy.
Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson

"I love Egyptian kings..."--from the Discovery Channel commercial

"You've taught me to do such horrible things. That's why I love you so much"
 -Maria, Foreign Objects

"Isn't it about time you came out?"
LaCroix to Nick,  Forever Knight.

Justin Lee Collins: Does Jack have a preference?  Does he prefer women, men, or E.T.?
 John Barrowman: I think E.T. 'cause the finger is longer.
Friday Night Project

"Like polygons through the cathode ray tube, so are the days of our lives."
-Sarah Bywater, Gamerz

I'm so damn lonely, even animal planet doesn't do it for me anymore.
-- Kirk, Gilmore Girls

Blanche: I am abhorred.
Sophia: We know what you are, Blanche. I'm glad to finally hear you admit it.
Blanche: Sophia, I said abhorred.
Sophia: Abhorred, a slut, a tramp. It's all the same
Golden Girls

Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Like no one else.
Golden Girls

Sophia: Do you know why I call you pussycat?
Dorothy: Why, because I cough out hairballs? Because I can use my whiskers to feel around at night? Because I would get burned along with witches in the olden days?
Golden Girls

Callie on Grey's Anatomy: "Alone people don't like to hear about together people. It's sort of like bringing a six-pack to an AA meeting."

He was once a little green slab of clay. Gumby!
You should see what Gumby can do today. Gumby!
He can walk into many books with his pony pal, Pokey, too.
If you got a heart, then Gumby's a part of you.
--Gumby Theme Song

"Our armies had something better to do.
Oh like swipe more land from Pocahontas's grandchildren.
Sorry chief, your reservation has been cancelled."
        -Dennis Miller parody, History Bites

“I don’t just want to rain on your parade, I want to burst all your floats.”
- Det. John Munch, Homicide

-I Am Alan Partridge

"That box and a bottle of Bushmills are the only things keeping me from taking a hostage."
-Denis Leary, The Job

"Talking is just wasting valuable killing and fornicating time."
 -Unknown, Just for Laughs

"Wait, I just remembered something: you're boring and my legs work."
-Finch, Just Shoot Me

"You know I love my family, but there is no reason why I should have to acknowledge them in broad daylight."
-Hyacinth, Keeping Up Appearances

LARRY: "What about David Duchovny?"
BRIAN: "Wel-l-l-l. . .a third think he's gay.  A third think he's bi. And the rest don't care.  They just want to kiss him. And that would be me."
                         --The Larry Sanders Show, "Everybody Loves Larry"

"How about David Duchovny? He's nice. He smells like ranch dressing, did you notice?"
--Craig Ferguson talking to Amanda Peet, The Late, Late Show

"Smart and crazy -- that's a hell of a pair."
- Lenny Briscoe, Law & Order

"We're gonna need videos and cookie dough and vodka!"
-Lydia, Less Than Perfect

"I was a lesbian once.  In 1974."
"Just in 1974?"
"That was all I needed."
 -Peggy Peabody and Bette Porter, 'The L Word'

MAD TV:
"I'm gayer than George Michael sucking the filling out of an eclair in a port-a-potty at an N'Sync concert!"
"...more made-up fat kids than when the Facts Of Life went to Paris."
"That woman got me so wet with her split, I felt like I was between Rosie O'Donell's thighs when they announced a new Haagen Daz flavour!"
"...gayer than Richard Simmons doing squat thrusts in a cucumber patch."

"Amazing race, how sweeet the taste / that saved a wrench for meeeee / I once was in the lost and found / was blind but found my keeeyyyyys."
-Reese,
Malcolm in the Middle

Your mother embezzles from sperm banks."
-The Fox, The Man Show

"Would you think less of me because I cry when I masturbate...I'm gonna need two tissues."
-Adam Carolla, The Man Show

"Mmm... tastes like hepatitis..."
-Adam Corolla, The Man Show

Jimmy Kimmel: I'd rather be a gerbil on Fire Island during the Vaseline Day Parade than see that movie.

Adam Carolla: And now girls jumping on trampolines!

Adam Carolla: When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

"Oh, drat these computers. They're so naughty and so complex I could pinch them."
–Marvin the Martian

"I'd rather be your friend... ah hell! EAT STEEL!"
-Maxx, The MAXX

"It's pretty pathetic when your own hallucinations start lying to you."
-Maxx, The MAXX

Matt: How can you stay with a woman who tried to kill you?
Michael: Do I judge your lifestyle, Matt?
Melrose Place

Alex: ''What's Jagermeister?'' Phil: ''Well, you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle; you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.'' (episode 14)
--Modern Family

"I'm thinking of getting them something for both of them, maybe a negligee built for two"
-Mork, Mork & Mindy

"Well, he made it between the pink curtains, but he split both his lips doing it folks."
-Vic Romano, Host of
Most Extreme Elimination Challenge
And this is an event description from the show:
"Plank Spankers: The couple must make their way across the wet spot without anyone popping some wood."

Patty: I tried, Earl. I did! Towards the end I even pulled out my good boob!
My Name is Earl

Nana: I feel like I just ate a black and gay stew right before I fell asleep, this is a nightmare.
The New Normal

Rocky: Do you like these shoes? You bought them for my birthday last week.
Bryan: Great now you can eat the leaves at the top of the tree.
Rocky: Half giraffe, half drag queen honey.
The New Normal

Shania: Nana you're a bigot. I'm unfriending you right now.
Nana: I am extremely tolerant to all peoples. When they opened that Chipoltle here I was the first of my friends to go, and that is Spanish food.
Shania: Still unfriended.
The New Normal

"Pleasure and Virtue combined... and how rare is that?"
-Nigella Lawson, Nigella Bites

"I like a little dismemberment in my evenings"
-Nigella Lawson, Nigella Bites

Dan: Objection!
Harry: Overruled.
Dan: Exception!
Harry: Noted.
Dan; Frustration!
Harry: Vented.
Night Court

"No matter what you do, you'll never outsmart the squirrels"
-Guru, Non Sequitur

ARTIE: I'm a little overweight due to a genetic disorder that makes fried chicken delicious.
-The Norm Show

"Excuse me while I go burp my partner."
Danny Sorensen to Baldwin and Fancy after Andy Sipowicz walks out of a meeting in a snit:
NYPD Blue

"I told you 158 times I cannot stand little notes on my pillow:'We are all out of corn flakes, F.U.' It took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Unger."
-Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple

"Yeah right, Spooky."
-Vic Mansfield, Once A Thief

"My heart is filled with joy, I want to rip my pants..."
- Dorothy, Our Gang: Love Business

"The Law and Order: Special Victims schtick they watch because I am the good guy.  The OZ stuff... They kind of leave alone...  Their philosophy is... We don't care who you're sodomizing as long as you're happy."
-Meloni on NBC's Conan show when asked what his parents think of his OZ role

"I have more caffeine in me than blood cells."
-- Sam, Profiler

"To great minds"
"Pure hearts"
"Hard bodies."
--  Roberto, Sydney, and Nigel, Relic Hunter

"Well, it's early days so. . .ah. . .just lots of sex, actually.  Last thing at night, first thing in the morning.  In my office, in the stationary cupboard, on the bus--that was very nice though I missed my stop.  On the carpet in the hall, in front of the fire, in the bath, in the lift, under the table, up against the fridge.  Not really a winner that one, bit too chilly on the arse."
Martin Freeman, The Robinsons

""Whoa!  There's all *kinds* of gravity in here!"
- A very drunk Jackie, 'Roseanne'

"You think *you've* got it bad? Try being gay in Lanford, IL. Nothing like having to correct the spelling on the word 'FAGUT' spraypainted on your garage door."
-Leon Carp, to black friend, Roseanne

"I'm not a mad cow, I'm just really pissed off. MOO! MOO!"
-Sean Cullen, Royal Canadian Air Farce

""What kind of a jive pagan put on is this?!"
-Aunt Esther, Sanford and Son: Chapel in the Junkpile

"Jeez you're stupid! I like that in a man..."
 -Edith Prickley, SCTV

"yepyepyepyepyepyep uh huh uh huh uh huh!"
-The Aliens, Sesame Street

"I like the idea of men in skirts. Easy access"
-Samantha, on kilts,
Sex and the City

“I love you, but I love myself more.”
Samantha Jones, Sex and the City

"You broke up with James because he was too small. This guy's too big. Who are you, Goldicocks?"
-Carrie
Sex And The City

"Little Cathy and her magic cigarettes. And whenever she lights up, she can go anywhere in the world..."
-Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

 "Biology is what you do if you haven't got the maths for real science."
-- John Rhys-Davies, Sliders

Squidworth: Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
Mr. Krabs: What is today but yesterday's tomorrow?
Spongebob Squarepants

Spongebob: "Look at all that warm, toasty fur."
Patrick: "It's like a gold mine ...but with fur."
-Spongebob Squarepants

"It's about flocking...and togetherness." - Jack O'Neill,
'Fallen', 'Stargate SG-1'

"I hope you like guinness, sir. I find it a refrshing substitute for...food."
-Jack, Stargate SG1

"Boy, Data, you look great in a push-up bra!"
-Riker, STNG

WENCH:What are you staring at? Haven't you seen a woman before?
RIKER: I thought I had.
-Star Trek TNG

"Wow. Even international terrorists and sexy over-forty spies have email. What a world we live in. Osama Bin Laden probably has an account.  Just email him at batshitcrazynutbar@terrorismforall.com and ask him to rethink the turban look. It's so Ishtar."
-Regina, Television Without Pity

"This is just like a Southern tragedy.  Tennessee Williams.  But with cheese."
- Fez, 'That 70's Show'

"I don't know any Mormons who do *that*."
"Not without a permit, anyway."
Kitty and Red, post-coitus, That 70s Show

"God, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation Instant Bitch?"
-Topher Grace, That 70s Show

"Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted."
"See, when you say it, though, it just sounds weird."
–Kurtwood Smith and Topher Grace,  That 70's Show

"This house is infested with kids.  We're like...Mormons."
Red, frustrated he and Kitty can't find a place in the house "celebrate" his birthday, That 70's Show

"Just once I want the right thing and the topless thing to be the same thing."
Kelso, That 70's Show

"Its time for us to stop pulling down menus and start pulling down our pants."
-The Techno Dyke, This Hour has 22 Minutes

"Putting the F-U back in funeral..."
-Notrich Union spoof, This Hour Has 22 Minutes

"Mr. Dress-up, He's a mean mean man..."
-Peter Gzosky, This Hour has 22 Minutes

"It's a shame you don't live in India...You'd be sacred there."
-Mr. Roper, Three's Company

"My sister still doesn't approve of my new super hero lifestyle."
-Arthur, The Tick

DER FLAIDERMAUSE: Don't worry, me and Stinky will start the underground resistance!
SEWER URCHIN: Yeah, definitely underground... very resistant.
-The Tick

Answer: Sis Boom BAA!
Question: Describe the sound you hear when a sheep blows up?
 -- Carnac the Magniicent, The Tonight Show

"I'm somewhere between the age of consent and the age of senility."
-unknown, Tour of Duty

"I mean..for God's sake.  You're going to wear those bloomers through the whole episode. Put some dick in them.  Make it worth my time to watch that crap."
-Gail re: Adrian Paul's less than impressive below the belt appearance in the first episode of Tracker

 "Oh, Coop, uh, about the uniform. . . Replacing the quiet elegance of the dark suit and tie with the casual indifference of these muted earth tones is a form of fashion suicide, but, uh, call me crazy – on you it works."
–Miguel Ferrar,  Twin Peaks

Does your penis have an off switch?--Alan, to Charlie
Two and a Half Men

People who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles.--Charlie
Two and a Half Men

Secret elixir, huh? Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy but when push comes to shove I don't know what the hell's in that either.--Charlie
Two and a Half Men

"Seven, I don't care how many scans you have to run-- find out who has been beaming my pants into space!"
-Captain Janeway, Voyager

"There's nothing like a good gripe to keep you regular."
- Diana Trent, 'Waiting For God'

C.J.: Do you ever look around and say if we’re the ones in charge, this country’s in a hell of a lot of trouble?
 TOBY: Until I spend time with the other guys.
  'The West Wing'

"I'm on dangling modifier patrol."
 -- C.J., 'The West Wing'

C.J.: The more photo-friendly of the two turkeys gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's petting zoo; the other one gets eaten.
President Josiah Bartlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.
- The West Wing

Can you show dangling dude bits on tv?
professional skateboarder Jason Ellis, Wild World of Spike

World Muay Kickboxing Champion Kit Cope: What is it with tribe people and homoeroticism?
Jason Ellis: They don't have cable.
Wild World of Spike

I thought we were three buddies...not two dudes and a bitch.
comedian Sam Tripoli, Wild World of Spike

Anyone got Advil?
Sam Tripoli, Wild World of Spike

MR. CARLSON: As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.
WKRP in Cincinnati

"There are two kinds of tears. Tears for those who leave you and tears for those who you never let go."
-Gabrielle, Xena, Warrior Princess

* * *

"Chutspeh is killing your mother and father, then asking the court for mercy because you're an orphan."
-from some political show that Laurie of the Isles was watching--made me giggle

"It even vibrates like real!"
–announcer from a Mattel Thunderburp commercial

 "If there was one thing Mrs. Smith was sure of, it was that her brand of tuna was best."
–announcer from a Bumblebee Tuna commercial

***
"Not now honey, I’ve been shot."
-Rick to AJ, "Burning bright"
"Yeah and think about how it'll impress the ladies when you tell them you're divorced, unemployed, and living with your mom."
-Rick Simon, "Titanium Love is Endless"
NOTE: I'm not sure if these are quotes from stories, or from actual episodes, but they're brilliant, and I have to credit Zenia from the slashwriters webring for them.

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