ANDREA'S RAT TALES
Wtf? It's like... 9 to 5, the Golden Girls and Puppets who Kill had
a threesome and produced a ridiculous (and somewhat upsetting) love
child. Throw in the child-star sensibilities of Small Wonder for
favour... Huuurg...
XXX
"Whassis all aboat? Shirley said somethin' aboat der wind? ...
ohhhhh Lord Tunderin'. Mac, go get me a basket thar... 'eeere fishay
fishay fishay!!!"
-Newfoundlanders responding to
Hurricane Irene
Jeebus Effin Chrustcakes. Seriously, do they have morning meetings where they say “What can we do to a) ruin the planet and b) lower the bar of credibility to a level that even Fox news would merely hover above?” Followed by a chant with all employees clapping…D-E-A… TH… 2-THE… Woorrrrrldddd!!! Raaaaaaaaa!!!Idiots!
Sounds like immigration was just fucking with you - "Ohhh, yeah, we want err, I mean, need this fee from you but, ah, yeah, our machines don't work properly. Tell you what, just give us the cash you brought and we'll be square." Yeesh. But as you said, at least you're not in some Filipino prison!
Gangstas don’t play D&D
"It's my dot on the wall--no accidents."
(trying to fit in with the Star Tek crew)
"Liza, settle down!"
(cheering on Roxy during bowling)
"I'll tell you what--ouch!"
"I was an appropriate temperature, and now I'm all fucked up, thank you very much."
Ack! Time... Space... continuum, collapsing... worlds...
colliding...Aauuuuuuuuughhl....<pop!>...
Draw your own conclusions,,,
(hearing Nick Lea sing)
"You don't discriminate, you'll sleep at anyone."
-to Trixie
"101 mulattos."
(on the genetics of twins...you sorta had to
be there...)
Ona commercial for the news, Lloyd Robertson:"parents
to be Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes on what their baby won't be hearing
in
the birthing room"
Andrea (smug): "... the voices of
accredited
professionals?"
Presenter at the Oscars with a heavy accent:
"Film is a universal language..."
Andrea: "English, on the other hand, is
not."
"Oh, God, I'm gonna make the noise!"
-works for beagle puppies and Simon shirtless apparently
Hart: "... There won't be a sermon
that
night..."
Andrea: "Oh thank God... er, I
mean..."
sittin' in Knox, finishing up rehearsals with a few announcements,
talking about the Lessons and Carols service on the 18th...
"Big purple ball gown? Five hundred dollars. Crown? 1500 dollars. Stealing a lesbian's flying shoes on the dance floor? Priceless."
BARKLEY: I wish I looked that good in
drag.
ANDREA: Yeah
(I think we all wish that...)
"I'm starting to try to avoid dressing as manly...or like a dyke...uh, potato, potahto..."
"Oh, a non-ambiguously gay calling card."
"Put on some pants, for God's sake!"
"Come on, start spinning around...we all know it's--OH!"
-in unison with Justin
"I plead the 6th....wait... no... I think that one has something to do with bathing in Bisquick.... The 5th. I plead the 5th."
"Potato, column A"
mixing metaphors or something....
"Uhg, why am I not surprised that the porn star went down easier
than
this one?"
(talking about shooters, honest)
"I think Handel must've thought singers just cheapen the whole musical experience."
"Who needs Brie when you've got Kricket?"
-um, ewww!
Actually, I'm not really sure what "to wit" means, other that perhaps of or pertaining to Whitney, or when in use by Mr. Dressup as part of "towhit-towhit-towhoo"
JASON:"Brb... [pause for a minute or two]... oooohhHHHHHH
AUTUMNNN
IN NEW YOOORRRRRRRRK!"
ANDREA: "Please. Dear. God. Tell me that isn't just something you yell
when you orgasm."
Why?
Oh, in case you die, we want you to go out with
dignity.
"If I ever met Bill Gates, I wouldn't call him sir. I'd probably just kick him in the junk and run away."
"You know, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Next thing
you'll
be pissing and moaning... err... well, you'll be *moaning*..."
to Roy
STEPHEN: "Well Andrea, you know that when they blew up the
Enterprise,
they didn't _actually_ blow up the Enterprise, right?"
ANDREA: "Yeah, thanks for the tip-off Stephen... otherwise I coulda
made a TOTAL ass of myself..."
tips from the new boss...
"Tiny clothes? I'm all over that. Conjoined twins? Go nuts. Moose heads? No way man."
MELANIE:(walking
into staff room where Andrea and Matt are sitting): Hey
Handsome.
ANDREA:... I'm really more striking than
handsome...
MELANIE:... and his sarcastic sidekick!
"Keepin' it Merry in the QC."
a Christmas wish from Regina
"Brittany's mobile answering service, how may I help you?"
playing secretary.
"What the hell--it jizzed on me!"
-enjoying advent gifts
"Why do I have to be the man? I don't want to be the man."
"Well... you are the only one in the room with a
penis..."
Devin and Andrea, playing "The Yuppi Game"
"You look like you're from Guelph."
"I wasn't sure if [the dryer] was working."
"The way you tell if it's working, is by turning it on."
Not so sound advice from the mother-unit when
the last time you used the dryer it smelled like burning.
"mmMMMMMMMlllllorgle-orgle-orgle"
-describing "that" stomach noise.
"So I was all "Oh fo-shizzle ma-nizzle." "
"Swords have more style, but guns are more practical, much like the clutch purse."
"So have fun, say hi to the boys, and if you happen to see Minnie, kick that whorish moustitute right in the box. Then you can follow up with a consolation talk to Mickey, telling him he deserves better."
"Gah!... oh man, you startled me." (Ed to
Devin)
ANDREA: "Unh, does anyone else think it's
kinda... wrong that the BLIND guy was able to sneak up on
the guy who can see?"
ANDREA: Gayest
cell
phone ring, ever!
BEN: It's so
whimsical
ELLEN:"Is there actually anyone you DO
like in that class?"
ANDREA: "... well, the only ones I don't
mind are the ones that I don't actually _talk_ to."
discussing the joys of being in a first year
class again.
"What exactly gave you people the misguided notion that I know what I'm doing?!"
"I don't get it. The tag says "WAS $9.66, NOW $8.59". Why do they do that? It's like "Hellooo, you _had_ me at *less than 10 dollars*!"
"Shut your stupid french ass up!"
"It's like Mission Impossible...only lame!"
"Man, that is the third RCMP cruiser I've seen since...
waitaminit...
he's cute! Hey! Come back!"
- Why it's a good thing that Andrea doesn't
always
drive.
"You know, every time I see him in an intereview, I start to think 'Man, he'll chase purse snatchers, he does all this stuff for education, he's against using ritalin on kids, he's fit and still totally hot, that Tom Cruise must be the perfect human being.' But then moments later I remember... 'Oh... but he's a scientologist.' Well, we all gotta be flawed some way, I guess that's his."
"Heeey, they've got it in ylang ylang now!... what the hell is ylang ylang anyway?"
"I can't call them Whit-son, but I could call them Ja-ney... or
could
I?... Whit-son it is."
- muttering to herself, trying to figure out
Whitney and Jason's amalgamate name.
ANDREA: "Man, at this rate, I'm
starting
to think it would just be better to become a lesbian"
WHITNEY: "Oooohhhh, then you'd NEVER lose
it."
ANDREA: "... Damnit! Then either way,
I WON'T be screwed!"
discussing the stigmas of virginity
"Look, if you want to be Abbott to someone's Costello, you gotta TELL them that. Cause if you just assume they'll know, you're just gonna look like a solo Tom Arnold. And nobody needs that."
"I'm just hearing what I want to hear. Whoo!"
JASON: Can I get out a little further
along?
ANDREA: Do I have to stop?
"Is this bowl of cherries talking to me?"
"That would be sacriligeous son."
"Oh, hi dad."
Jesus and a bowl of cherries.
"You know that episode of the Simpsons where Mayor Quimby says 'Can't we have one [town] meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?' Well, today I was reminded of that when I thought to myself 'can't we have one screening that doesn't end up with us seeing B***n naked?"
"You mean we've just met and you're masturbating while thinking of
me?
Wow! You are like so cool... and desperate."
-on chatting
ANDREA: "OW!"
JASON:"What?
Did your belt pinch you?"
ANDREA:
"...No..."
JASON:"Did
your appendix explode?"
ANDREA:
"...Maybe..."
"My love for you is like ___--nobody wants to see it."
"My love for you is like diahhrea--I can't keep it inside."
"Ken Doll outta the box!"
-on Krycek in Sleepless
" . . . I'm a dirty, dirty whore."
"It's not a nice doodle. It's God, and he's eating a carrot.'
"I can't be all cultured and shit, so healthy and stuff will have to do."
"We needed tone, and didn't have it, so we just recorded me going eeeeeeeeeeeeeee for thirty seconds."
"Even though ___ didn't win the award, I was going to tell you that funny anecdote I had prepared. See, we watched this movie called "Sammy and Rosie get laid" in class the other day (it's not nearly as interesting as it sounds) and there's this one sex scene where the chick has a "W" tattooed on each of her ass cheeks. So the guy asks her "Why do you have a "W" on each buttock?" and she says it's so that when she bends over it'll spell "WOW". I was thinking that if ___ did that, it would spell "WOOOOOOOOOOOW.""
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny
Sleepy
Hungry
(I know it's not really hers, but it came in
an email from her, and was too cute not to post!)
"So work was interesting today. This time, *I*
got to call the ambulance."
bragging at work.
"I guess while Jason's chewing, I'll take the opportunity to use the bathroom."
""Speed Divas - The Movie." "Speed Divas Two. All Covered in Cum."
"Speed
Divas Three. The Prophilactics Strike Back." and the sure-fire failure
of "Speed Divas Four. The Return of Sir Pants-a-Lot."
re: Curt's future films.
"Trixie, please move...FOR GOD'S SAKE!"
having a Linda Blair moment whilst Trixie blocked
her view of Paul Gross on tv.
"Electricity is blue."
"Let's get you naked!"
brain sharing with the Goddess
"Pen 15...sort of in that same vein..."
(it really was funny at the time, if only because
Whitney got a dirty picture in her head)
"Oh, god, that smacks of effort!"
"There's nothing sadder than immigrants
yelling
for their dead parents."
watching
Patient
X
"Which cousin did you have to marry to make that happen?"