SPEAK, BARKLEY, SPEAK!
Tell Dor to stop touching himself... I can hear him making the "andrea" noise over sandburg 4 hours away
Apparently, the production team for the DVD release of Brokeback Mountain
wrestled with what tag line they wanted to promote the DVD.....
Here's some that got rejected.
"Brokeback Mountain....it's more about love, than spit and shove"
"Brokeback Mountain....where men are men, and sheep are thankful"
"Brokeback Mountain....come for the scenery, stay for the sodomy"
Okay, seriously, the last one.... it made me pee a little.
"I think I'm gonna vomit out my ass"
Leaving Boston Pizza Monday night
BARKLEY: (to lady on bus with screaming
kid) Do you believe in disciplining your kid?
LADY: No.
BARKLEY: Well, I do, he's destined for
the cargo area if he doesn't zip it.
BARKLEY: (At Tim Horton's before the
trip) Jeez, 20 coffees since the beginning of the week and nothing
on roll up the rim.... I better have better luck with rims in Calgary....
FRIEND: Uhm, information overshare.
BARKLEY: I meant roll up the rims....
although, by 9 tonight it could be a different story.
BARKLEY: (to friend on phone) Yeah,
we're going to a hockey game saturday night. I've never been to one, so
watch the game tomorrow night on CBC. I'll be the one pulling a Karen Walker
in section B.
FRIEND: You're going to have indiscriminate
sex with a stranger at the hockey game?
BARKLEY: No, you moron. I'll be drunk.
And besides, Chris isn't a stranger anymore...
BARKLEY: Buckley's kinda looks like...
Nah, I can't say it.
DREW: What?
BARKLEY: watery cum.
LES: So what, they all whack off into
a bucket.
DREW: So, your saying if I drink cum,
I won't get sick?
BARKLEY: You don't see me having a cold,
do you?
"And that's the messiest thing that I'll put in my mouth tonight."
"Hey, straight boy's kinda cute. We just need to get rid of the girlfriend. We could push her in front of a moving vehicle...or Tyra."
JUSTIN: may I take your empty glasses?
BARKLEY: May you choke on the lime slices?
"Ack! I see box!"
"Would anyone else like to gouge their eyes out?"
"All that's missing from him is a leather thong and a pole."
"It's like a Maytag washer on crystal meth!"
"Previously spinning Dutchess; now spinning Duke."
"Claws in, claws in!"
-in unison with Andrea
"If we find you three knuckles deep behind the bar, we know what happened."
-Michele gets season nine of the x-files.
"And cue 'life-before-eyes' and SMACK!"
-describing a car crash
BARKLEY: Ugh, just look at the hair on
her head, it's disgusting. Can you imagine what the hair situation down
yonder would be?
SISTER: I don't even want to picture that.
BARKLEY: She could sit spread eagle on
her front lawn and call it a "haunted house" she's already got the spider
webs.
"It was one of those moments that I sincerely wished I had a sledge hammer nearby..... On root canals."
"Oh. Thats SEXY"
commenting on pregnant girl, wearing
sweatpants and a thong, bending over in the produce aisle.
"Give her 11 years, and she'll be wearing a plaid flannel shirt and birkenstocks, and not shaving her pits. -they recruit the lesbians young now...."
"Whom do I submit a damage claim to get my keyboard replaced, from the SNF that Curts "meat flaps" comment caused? Please let me know."
Barkley: get yourself out there.Write a
personal ad online. The worst thing that can happen is you meet a really
nice guy
Clif :Thats the worst thing?
Barkley :Well. the worse thing is, you
could end up having your face worn by some freak.... but I didn't want
to discourage you.
"You've cheapened the art of whoring, you cheap whore."
Yelled at random straight girl, who looked
like a cheaper, skankier version of Christina Aguliera from that Moulin
Rouge video.
"You make Paris Hilton look like a Motel 6!"
"Whooo! I shouldn't bend over like that! Not only could I suck the fish tank in, I could smack my head on one of the pointy parts of my desk!"
"Countdown to Cowtown has officially officially begun!"
And no, thats not a typo.
"I think it's firmly established that I'm definitely going to hell!"
These are leftovers from labor day weekend. I just found them.... lol, not the ones above, these ones, down here....
"You get 10 points for letting me french you in the basement!! Oh, and another 10 for not screaming 'EWWWW, your from Saskatchewan!!' "
"I put the 'ASS' in classy!!!"
"Dude in the bathroom practically Michael Jackson'd me!"
"I don't care what they say--you DO have to pet to be popular!"
"You know, coming back to Regina is sort of like coming to a foreign country....with sketchy lesbians and totally unfuckable people."
(to potential new BF): Lucky for you, my weiner is longer than my attention span!!
BARKLEY: You think that just cause I'm
a smidge Jack McFarland-esque, that I'm a big easy bottom?? I'll have you
know I top like a fucking pro.... Well, so I've been told.
ANONYMOUS: Yeah, well, what your Mom says
doesn't count..
BARKLEY: *gag* I just threw up
in my mouth. Alot!
"I need to accomplish one of two things tonight. Get laid, or finish that 12 pack of Smirnoff Ice...*pause* Suddenly, lying alone in my bed, praying for quiet doesn't seem so bad.... Hand me another Smirnoff!!!"
Your page is the one reason to get up at a decent hour on sundays!!
LEE: Barkley, we're setting up our Christmas
tree and we need a skirt. Can we borrow one of yours??
BARKLEY: *stunned silence* Thats not even
nice
LEE: But it's funny!!
Not actually Binky getting the funny, but he
explains thusly: "Hate me or not, people will laugh at this quote.... There
is a back story though.... Last night, my bosses boyfriend called
me at home the quote lies in the phone call..."
"You make it sound like I'm the bad guy here..... I am so not the bad guy!!"
"Can you honestly see me at a wrestling event? The last time I got enjoyment out of watching grown men covered in oil was...... well, there was that one time, but it didn't happen in a large canvas ring......"
"Canada is going to hell in a handbasket. Thanks for wanting to live here... Dumbasses.... " One of the first drafts of Lynda Haverstocks citizenship speech.
"I need hot sweaty mansex.... NOW!!!!!" (It's been a while... )
" Apparantly, it's park like a cunt day in Kindersley! I must have lost that memo!"
LADY FROM OFFICE NEXT DOOR: "Do you
have a box I could borrow?"
BARKLEY: "Why, is yours worn out?"
"That's gay, and not in the good way!"
CUSTOMER: "I need to get someone something
for their birthday. Cards, they just get thrown out, now lottery tickets,
thats the way to go. They're easy and cheap."
BARKLEY: "So you and lotto tickets have
a lot in common then, huh?"
"Okay, I have to leave now.... Your pond smells like a date I once had..."
"You fucking cheap trashy boyfriend stealing whore!!"
To a co-worker who snagged the lone, hot single
guy in town...
"Crispy hair and nicotine stained fingers are NOT a turn on, dude..."
"Ok, this is NO laughing matter. Okay, mabye a tiny giggle... But nothing
too over the top."
-to a coworker, when one of the water tanks cracked....
"I've learned not to hate you.... that much."
"Not all my exes are enemies.. Well, ok, most of them are, but I am
on speaking terms with, well, not so much anymore..... Ok, lets just
say, that some of my exes are enemies."
Rationalizing past loves with the new date....
"What is the deal anyhow? Why is it, as soon as I have a boyfriend, I'm the most desirable thing on the fucking planet? But when I'm single, I'm just a steaming pile of squirrel poo?"
BARKLEY:"Does this shirt make me look gay??"
FRIEND'S RESPONSE:"Really, that has to
be a loaded question... you could make a paper bag look faggy!" her response
"All I'm asking for is a little humpy-humpy....."
"Am I a bad person for wanting a thorough ass raping....."
"Ya know, you could tongue rape me and I'd be good...."
"Never underestimate how fast a squirrel can run drunk....."
"Hmmm. How do I put this delicately. I'm not drunk enough to be interested in you. Buy me another pitcher, and we'll talk!"
"He has a ring in his junk, and it's HOT!!"
"I smell musty something or other.... did you shower?" (this was asked to a co-worker, when a case of grocery bags let out a nasty smell)
"Here! Smell this bag!" (not what you think)
"Oh my god, that smells like rancid ass and formeldahyde"
BARKLEY'S AUNT:"That damn squirrel on `roids
better bring us good news on Feb 2"
BARKLEY:"What have you got against squirrels,
lady?"
"Well, bend me over and call me easy."
"Take your hand off my ass and we'll call it even."
"Fuck you? I hardly even know you. I can make an exception though"
"Enough pus to drown a small nation"
"Mmmmm.... goiter pus..."
"Stupid....stupid.... totally fucked..."
-Duck duck goose for adults.
"Coffee AND chili... The burp that eats like a meal..."
"Do I look cheap and easy to you? I do? Thanks!"
"Shut it bitch, or I'll cover your blowhole...."
to his sister, on the way home from Stoon....
"He's so dirty, if you shone a blacklight on him, you'd land a fucking lunar probe..."
"Well, lonely and desperate can only get you so far, mary...."
"I don't care how hot you are.... sweatpants as a fashion statement are WRONG!!"
"Hands off my junk, Mary, or at least by me a drink first."
"First Impressions SUCK!"
"Confusion seems to be the special tonight."
on New years at Divas
"But on the plus side (no pun intended) Crystal looked ravishing!!"
"Hmm, I smell tranny hooker.... Oh, my mistake... it's just _______. Hey gurl, you look great!!!"
"Too many freaks, not enough circus!"
"Ahh, NICE.. Clogged urinals AND a lineup!!"
"I had a revelation tonight.... and a grilled cheese sandwich..."
"You're fucking insane, you scare me, but I like it alot...."
"Being single does have it's advantages... like getting laid more.."
"It appears that mother nature forgot to pay her heating bill..... Fucking Cunt...."
"Thanks to Van Wilder, I shall forever look at cream filled eclairs and snicker...."
"You want to do WHAT to my sister?"
Small town bar lack of options
"It amazes me sometimes. For a town with 10 fags, none of them dress the part.... Is that considered 'Camo-fagging' ? "
"Life in Kindersley is like masturbating with a cheese grater..... Painful, but slightly amusing."
"I'd rather dry hump a meat grinder"
Getting hit on by Kindersley's Cougar
"Dairy Producers has this new promotion out. If your 500mL milk moos at you, you win..... I'm sorry but the last time my milk moo'd at me, I was passed out under the cow....."
"Holy snappin' cat ass!!"
"He had this sort of dark, dangerous kind of hot look going on, then his prosthesis fell off and ruined it...."
"I'm gonna stick my tongue so far up your puckered starfish, my initials are gonna be carved in tomorrow's turd!"
"I'm my own entertainment, Mary! Now hand me that sock monkey and put `Crazy` on repeat."
"Well rim me raw, Batman!"
"Does wanting greasy prison sex with _________ make me a bad person? It does? GOOD!"
"Why does Grandma's piss-bag always have to ruin a family event?"
-Family fun...
"Well, now that we're done with that business, can you grab me the mop?"
-Mom, after the dog spewed on the lino.
"Yeah, wanting the fucker in a nuthouse brings a whole new meaning to
`commited` relationship!"
-trouble in paradise.
"Yeah so he's 20 years older than me, it's not so bad... Till you picture
wrinkly man balls 40 years from now!"
-Justifying his love
"HA! You said wrinkly man balls!"
-8 year old cousin.
"It's one of life's great mysteries, like how J-Lo can manage to string together a sentence!"
"Well, that's waaaaaaay too much information for this lil fella!"
"That smarts like a knitting needle to the eye."
BARKLEY: Don't ever say those words around
me again?
SISTER: What words? Saggy twat lips?
BARKLEY: Did you totally miss what I just
said?
"Well fuck me with a wire brush!"
"No, we are not getting a dog. If I wanted something that slobbers and
is co-dependant, I'll get married again!"
-Household politics with mom.
"You put your right hand in, you take your right hand out, you grab
your trouser snake and you shake it all about. You tug it till your tired,
or it spits right in your face..... oh wait, thats SO not what I was going
for!"
-on self loving, or something to that effect
MICK: Did you ever read Hamlet?
BARKLEY: There was a tranny in Hamlet???
(You don't want to know)
"Yeah I hear that from my sister all the time... Once a month a herd
of buffalo run through her uterus...."
-on women's special time
"No sleep makes me stupid."
-genetics have nothing to do with it
"Somewhere a theater troupe is missing a tablecloth
from their production of The Wizard of Oz."
-on Avaughna's dress
"It's the only boner she's caused in nine months--too bad it was on the schnauzer."
"The pool table is acting nuttier than a midget hooker on crack--takes money and doesn't let the balls drop!"
"Girl, my boyfriend lives in Michigan, why do you think I have this face?"
"I had to paint that fuckin' black box and I want
to strangle Devin..."
(it seemed an odd pairing...)
"You are one chromosome away from eating from a trough!"
"Gravy is good if it's good gravy!"
"Apparently bunnies are better with Cool Whip."
JASON: She can have
her CD back, I just want the insert.
BARKLEY: Yeah, cause
Fake Whitney would want her CD back with chunkies on the insert.
(more fun with the Christina Aguilera album)
COWORKER: You're just jealous cos you're
not a girl.
BARKLEY: Yeah, that's it. I'm jealous
cos I don't bleed from my manbits every month.
"That reminds me of an ass I once ate."
MARLON: (to volunteer) I'm not paying you
to be a hooker.
BARKLEY: No, but everyone else is.
"I think you'll find that ADD is caused by... oh look! A badger!"
"You're about as witty as a retarded oyster."
(To someone with no taste) "Whatever look you were going for-YOU MISSED!"
"So if you're mom and dad got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
Even a nanosecond glance lowers their opinion of you! Unless, of course, you look like Russell Crowe. . Then feel free to squeeze her hooters a couple times and go "honk honk!"
"Don't let your mind wander kid, shits too small to be let out alone."
"You're out of your depth in a parking lot puddle."
"The whole concept is about as useless as a condom in a covent......."
"You must have an IQ before it can go down."
"Oh, please, I've been insulted by people with brains... what hope do you have?"
"Now my brain hurts. Thanks. Your first time on this planet?"
"You, on the other hand, write like a fortune cookie factory scribe gone postal."
"The Sunshine and Lollipop Forum is over there -----"
THOMAS: Ah, the Simpsons store--I used
to just stand at the window saying 'Ohhhhh.'
BARKLEY: Now you just do that at KFC.
"...cos every man is shaped like a coffee carafe with a turkey wattle on the end."
"Trixie! Yada! Nada!"
-doing his Santa Claus impression
"Nothing says love like a rousing game of Nair
the Bear."
-on getting Anne ready
"Listening to ___ talk is like listening to one of those 'feed the starving' ads--you sorta tune it out after a while and desperately want to change the channel."
"He was smothered twixt my thighs..."
DEEDZ: ___ Running Brow (laughs)
JASON: More like ___ Running Gag
BARKLEY: I know I run and gag...
-a mocking trio...
"Michele can't use her dictaphone...she hasn't got one..."
"Oh come on , you believe that? He's had more fists in him than a catchers mitt!"
"It's too hard to get out of ass hair."
(on peanut butter)
MICHELE: I'm so glad we upgraded
BARKLEY: To what, Lesbian version 3.0?
"Are we still talking about Mirtha's fajita?"
"Yay for the big c**t joke!"
"You can take the pig out of the city, but you can't put the pig in a dress."
"If it smells like chicken keep on lickin, if it smells like trout, get the fuck out, if it smells like bass, your lickin her ass...."
"___ getting humped on the pool table. Brings a whole new meaning to 'pool' table."
CHRIS:"UV glows under black light"
BARKLEY:"Yeah, so do crabs, but I don't
see anyone rushing to check that out"
THOMAS: I remember slow dancing to this
song.
BARKLEY: The broom doesn't count.
"Spit it out, Mary, or show off and gargle..."
"Lick it and see if it works..."
-talking about a battery
BARKLEY: If I'm your half, do I have to
learn to do cartwheels?
WENDA: First you need to learn to walk
down stairs, honey.
"Like a little gay hummingbird--flit, flit, suck, flit!"
(talking about Jason)
"She could have a whole family of sea manatees up there!"
"Nothin' says lovin' like a 12 gauge piece of metal through your pee hole."
"You proposed with a metal rod through his urethra?"
"Shoes by Gucci, crabs by last night's trick..."
"As if there's one of those here..."
-during the song "like a Virgin"
"Restraints are not in my vocabulary, but 'hold me down and fuck me' is."
SEAN: I'm whipped!
(meaning tired)
BARKLEY: No, that's
later (not meaning tired)
TOM S.( to Thomas): We call the other Tom
"Old Tom" and they call me "Young Tom", so what do we call you?
BARKLEY: Dirty Thom!
"It's happy bum-bum time!"
JASON: I'm half cut! (meaning drunk)
BARKLEY: The doctor didn't finish? (not
meaning drunk)
"The fact that I haven't had any sleep made that even funnier."
"Scully could get sucked into a black hole...Trixie could apologize..."
-writing a Speed Diva/X-files crossover
BARKLEY: Quick Michele, pull his handle
and see what else you can get!
JASON: Drenched!
REST OF THE TABLE: Ewww!
"There's something disturbing about a man making a sound like a sheep being violated."
"How do you get lube off of cat fur?"
(kidding, we hope!)
"I feel like a fucking fallopian tube surrounded by all these eggs!"
(shopping in the Easter decoration section)
"Scully got her meat curtains tied up?"
(eww...)
"I love vaginal humour."
(who doesn't?)
"I've got four quart sealers!"
-when told you should always save yourself for
the one you love
"Looks like someone ran a whore through a Xerox machine."
commenting on the Hawaiian Tropic contestants
"Nice bitch, dogs!"
"Okay, picture it. My boot. Your ass. Any Questions?"
"If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
"I'm kinkier than a pubic hair."
"Life's a bitch. Don't be one."
"Baby Jesus in a gopher hole."
"_____'s on it like a fat kid on a smartie."
"I'd rather eat rancid tuna from my own ass."
"That gives me wood."
"Hi there. Do you swallow??"
(telling a friend how to pick a man up in 5 words)