Our
whole
universe was in a hot dense state,
Then
nearly
fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...
The Earth
began to cool, The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed
tools,
We built
a wall (we built the pyramids),
Math,
science,
history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all
started with the big bang!
"Since
the
dawn of man" is really not that long,
As every
galaxy was formed in less time than it takes to sing this song.
A fraction
of a second and the elements were made. The bipeds stood up straight,
The
dinosaurs all met their fate, They tried to leap but they were late
And they
all died (they froze their asses off)
The oceans
and pangea See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya
Set in
motion
by the same big bang!
It all started with the big BANG!
It's
expanding
ever outward but one day
It will
cause the stars to go the other way, Collapsing ever inward, we won't
be
here, it wont be hurt
Our best
and brightest figure that it'll make an even bigger bang!
Australopithecus
would really have been sick of us
Debating
out while here they're catching deer (we're catching viruses)
Religion
or astronomy, Encarta, Deuteronomy It all started with the big bang!
Music and
mythology, Einstein and astrology It all started with the big bang! It
all started with the big BANG!
Jillian had a urinary tract
infection... again.
That sentence appeared in my head a few days ago, just as you see it
above. I have no idea what it means, other than the obvious, and I
don't know anyone named Jillian. Regardless, I thought it'd be
interesting to begin a vanity card with it and just see where it goes.
Jillian had a urinary
tract infection... again. Her doctor liked to abbreviate the condition
to UTI. She liked to abbreviate it to TMH - Too Much Humping.
Regardless, the road back to vaginal happiness was always the same:
cranberry juice and abstinence. Thankfully, her boyfriend, Dudley, was
always very understanding. He'd just smile, hold her in his arms and
say, "Well, babe, when one door closes, another one opens up." She'd
always giggle and blush when he'd say that, but deep down she wished
she had the courage to cover his mouth and nose with a
chloroform-soaked rag, and then, while he was unconscious, snip off his
testicles with the little scissors she uses to groom her schnauzer.
All of which explains why the next sentence popped into my head
recently.
Nobody sang Bee Gees songs on
karaoke night like Dudley.
-Chuck Lorre, Vanity
Card, Big Bang Theory
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW THIS WEEK
Sheldon: [to Priya as he stands up and leaves] You
may have gone to Cambridge, but I'm an
honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.
***
Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Rajesh: Excuse me but I don't think Penny is out of line at all. You don't own her. It's like my girl Beyonce says: If you like you should've put a ring on it.
Penny: Yes, I know men can't fly.
Sheldon: No, no let's assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling,
accelerating
at an initial rate of 32ft per second, per second. Superman swoops down
to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Ms. Lane, who is now
traveling
at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately
sliced
into three. equal pieces.
Beverly: So, Howard, have you and Rajesh finally summoned the courage to express your latent homosexual feelings towards one another?
Raj: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed,
and I would be their king.
Leonard: I hate my name. It has 'nerd' in it. 'Len. Nerd.'
Wolowitz: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeanie.
Raj: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects ... at first.
Sheldon: I'm not insane! My mother had me tested!
Sheldon: We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good…
Penny: Well, it’s all good.
Sheldon: Statistically unlikely.
Leonard: Are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay, we might
succumb
to cannibalism?
Sheldon: No one ever thinks it’ll happen until it does.
Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones
while we sleep, you can stay.
Penny: What?
Mary: Now, you listen here. I have being telling you since you were
four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody but you can't go
around pointing it out.
Sheldon: Why not?
Mary: Because people don't like it. You don't remember all the ass
kickings you got from the neighbor kids. Now lets get cracking. Shower,
shirt, shoes and let's shove off.
Sheldon: There wouldn't have been any ass kickings if that stupid death
ray had worked.
Now I fixed chicken. I hope that's not one of those animals you people think is magic.-Sheldon's mother to Raj
Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.
Penny: I’m a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you
need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural
delusion that the sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily
defined
constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your
personality.
Sheldon: Okay, look, I think you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble telescope does of discovering that at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did not reject you. You did not ask her out.
Sheldon: I’ve spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at greaseboards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college; and before that, I was in the fifth grade.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we’ve lived in this apartment, I have
awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup
of
2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and
watched
Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny’s still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we’ve lived in this apartment…
Leonard: You have a TV in your room, why don’t you just have breakfast
in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating
Mother’s
Day.
Oh, well, this would be one of those circumstances that people
unfamiliar
with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.
-Sheldon
Leonard: At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions to get the
math
to work.
Sheldon: I didn't invent them. They're there.
Leonard: Yeah? In what universe?
Sheldon: In all of them, that's the point!
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into
your self worth?
-Sheldon
Leonard: Our kids will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary
That boy has been trouble since the day he fell out of me at K-Mart.
-Sheldon's mother
Penny: Wait, Sheldon come back. You forgot something.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: This plasma grenade.(Explosion sound on the tv)
Penny: Ha. Look it's raining you.
Sheldon: You laugh now, but wait till you need tech support.