Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...
The Earth began to cool, The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools,
We built a wall (we built the pyramids),
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all started with the big bang!

"Since the dawn of man" is really not that long,
As every galaxy was formed in less time than it takes to sing this song.
A fraction of a second and the elements were made. The bipeds stood up straight, The dinosaurs all met their fate, They tried to leap but they were late
And they all died (they froze their asses off)
The oceans and pangea See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya
Set in motion by the same big bang!

It all started with the big BANG!

It's expanding ever outward but one day
It will cause the stars to go the other way, Collapsing ever inward, we won't be here, it wont be hurt
Our best and brightest figure that it'll make an even bigger bang!
Australopithecus would really have been sick of us
Debating out while here they're catching deer (we're catching viruses)
Religion or astronomy, Encarta, Deuteronomy It all started with the big bang!
Music and mythology, Einstein and astrology It all started with the big bang! It all started with the big BANG!

  Jillian had a urinary tract infection... again.
That sentence appeared in my head a few days ago, just as you see it above. I have no idea what it means, other than the obvious, and I don't know anyone named Jillian. Regardless, I thought it'd be interesting to begin a vanity card with it and just see where it goes.
Jillian had a urinary tract infection... again. Her doctor liked to abbreviate the condition to UTI. She liked to abbreviate it to TMH - Too Much Humping. Regardless, the road back to vaginal happiness was always the same: cranberry juice and abstinence. Thankfully, her boyfriend, Dudley, was always very understanding. He'd just smile, hold her in his arms and say, "Well, babe, when one door closes, another one opens up." She'd always giggle and blush when he'd say that, but deep down she wished she had the courage to cover his mouth and nose with a chloroform-soaked rag, and then, while he was unconscious, snip off his testicles with the little scissors she uses to groom her schnauzer.
All of which explains why the next sentence popped into my head recently.
Nobody sang Bee Gees songs on karaoke night like Dudley.
-
Chuck Lorre, Vanity Card, Big Bang Theory

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW THIS WEEK

Sheldon: [to Priya as he stands up and leaves] You may have gone to Cambridge, but I'm an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.

[Leonard knocks on Todd Zarnecki's front door]
Todd Zarnecki: Who is it?
Sheldon: Your doom!
Raj: Don't say "Your doom". Who opens the door for their doom?
Sheldon: Good point. [to the door] Basket of puppies.
Sheldon: (to Bill Gates) Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista.
Amy: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.
Sheldon: Oh, the humanities!
Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens and there's nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since the 11th grade because no matter how much you apologize, you can't go back and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend.

***

Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Rajesh: Excuse me but I don't think Penny is out of line at all. You don't own her. It's like my girl Beyonce says: If you like you should've put a ring on it.

Penny: Yes, I know men can't fly.
Sheldon: No, no let's assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32ft per second, per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Ms. Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three. equal pieces.

Beverly: So, Howard, have you and Rajesh finally summoned the courage to express your latent homosexual feelings towards one another?

Raj: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed, and I would be their king.
Leonard: I hate my name. It has 'nerd' in it. 'Len. Nerd.'
Wolowitz: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeanie.
Raj: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects ...  at first.

Sheldon: I'm not insane! My mother had me tested!

Sheldon: We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good…
Penny: Well, it’s all good.
Sheldon: Statistically unlikely.

Leonard: Are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay, we might succumb to cannibalism?
Sheldon: No one ever thinks it’ll happen until it does.
Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
Penny: What?

Mary: Now, you listen here. I have being telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody but you can't go around pointing it out.
Sheldon: Why not?
Mary: Because people don't like it. You don't remember all the ass kickings you got from the neighbor kids. Now lets get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes and let's shove off.
Sheldon: There wouldn't have been any ass kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.

Now I fixed chicken. I hope that's not one of those animals you people think is magic.-Sheldon's mother to Raj

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.

Penny: I’m a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.

Sheldon: Okay, look, I think you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble telescope does of discovering that at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did not reject you. You did not ask her out.

Sheldon: I’ve spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at greaseboards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college; and before that, I was in the fifth grade.

Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we’ve lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny’s still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we’ve lived in this apartment…
Leonard: You have a TV in your room, why don’t you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother’s Day.

Oh, well, this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.
-Sheldon

Leonard: At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions to get the math to work.
Sheldon: I didn't invent them. They're there.
Leonard: Yeah? In what universe?
Sheldon: In all of them, that's the point!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?
-Sheldon

Leonard: Our kids will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary

That boy has been trouble since the day he fell out of me at K-Mart.
-Sheldon's mother

Penny: Wait, Sheldon come back. You forgot something.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: This plasma grenade.(Explosion sound on the tv)
Penny: Ha. Look it's raining you.
Sheldon: You laugh now, but wait till you need tech support.
 

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