MORE THAN SEVEN WORDS YOU *CAN* SAY ON TELEVISION!
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to
get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and
a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to
the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life. You become 21. Even
the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now,
you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the
brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your
dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s,
you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I 'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because
you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the
captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you Just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
"How is it possible to have a civil war?"
"Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?"
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat
the
purpose."
"If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?"
"Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?"
"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
"I'm 64, that's 17 in celsius."
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
The Lucien LaCroix-George Carlin connection:
"The best form of government is a benevolent tyrrany tempered
by the occasional assasination."
Lucien LaCroix
'Beyond the Law'
"I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What we
need is a king, and every now and then if the king's not doing a good job,
we kill him."
George Carlin
'Napalm and Silly Putty'
Page 30
"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings
but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We
spend more, but have less. We buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger
houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We
have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We
talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned
how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life
to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing
the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner
space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up
the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not
our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to
hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate
less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These
are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but
broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,
one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything
from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom
window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this
letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this
insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks
up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave
your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because
that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost
a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones,
but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes
from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment
for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love,
give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in
your mind.