NEW THIS WEEK:

"Assumptions are the things we don't know we're making."
-Douglas Adams

  "A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy  anything is last year."
-Marty Allen

"My vagina has a 1st name, it's P-U-S-S-Y."
Tim Allen, reading from the vagina monologues

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."
-Woody Allen

"I always say have a nice life--some people say have a nice day, I say why limit yourself? Have a nice day? Which one?"
-Bud Anderson

Churchill: “What disguise would you recommend I wear to your costume ball?”
Astor: “Why don’t you come sober, Prime Minister?”

" Pathetic! There's nothing more useless than a house broken male!"
-Asuka from Neon Genesis Evangelion

"I got a letter saying I could get free phones in appreciation for my bein' a customer. I want phones--appreciate me!"
anonymous ATT Wireless customer

"That's prejudice; they call you bossy and demanding because you are a woman.  If you were a man doing the same things, you'd just be a dick."
- Baby Mama

"Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?"
-Richard Bach

"She had that brand of pragmatism that would find her the first brewing tea after Armageddon."
-Clive Barker

"Dachshunds with erections can't climb stairs"
-Les Barker

“"I'm an openly gay man playing an omnisexual hero, who is loved on both sides of the Atlantic. How could I not be proud of that?"
-John Barrowman

"There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." "
- Dave Barry

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose  to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
-Dave Barry

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
-Dave Barry

"The sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new."
-Samuel Beckett

"It ain't over til it's over."
-Yogi Bera

"That place is so crowded, no one goes there no more."
-Yogi Bera

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"They were in bondage, and not the fun kind."
      -Lewis Black

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
-Napoleon Bonaparte

"I pledge impertinence to the flag-waving of the unindicicted co-conspirators of America
and the Republicans for which I can't stand one abomination, underhanded fraud, indefensible with liberty and justice forget it!"
                -Bongo's Pledge, Huge Book of Hell

"The wonder of turducken, the majesty of bacon, together at last..."--Jeremy Book
(google turducken, I dare you!)

"I love the tempestuousness of oceans and the calmness and solitude of lakes. Also, sensuality that drips and runs down the spine. And I'm not afraid to cry. Tears are a form of expression, and that's sexy."
-David Boreanaz

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

"Matt Dillon's underwear."
-Boy George, when asked what he'd like to be reincarnated as

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."
- John Bright

"You may think you're not pretty enough for me, but I bet I'm pretty enough for the both of us."
-Bucky, Get Fuzzy

'World domination has encountered a momentary setback...talk amongst yourselves...'
-Bucky

"If the phone doesn't ring, it's me."
-Jimmy Buffett

"Evil will flourish when good men and women stand around and do nothing"
    -Edmund Burke

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

"They misunderestimated me."
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."
"Nothing can be further than the truth''
"I can't imagine someone like Osama Bin Laden understanding the joy of something like Channukah"
-President George W. Bush
(find more wisdom from this bumbling moron at www.dumbpresident.com)

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?  There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
-Drew Carey

She's hardly 'Breakfast at Tiffanys' more 'Fry-Up at Morrisons'--Alan Carr

   "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
-Johnny Carson

"If the climate were a bank, it would have been saved already." - Hugo Chavez

Cindy: “Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah, hairball, hairball, verbal diarrhea…”
-life at the Leader Post

"Laughter is a force for democracy."
 -John Cleese

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Bill Clinton

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening." --Eloi Cole, possible terrorist and time traveller

"There's a nasty rumor that copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen fighting over a penny."  - Billy Connolly

"Bring me my writing trousers!  I feel a song coming on." Billy Connolly

"Dour, weary fuckin' Willies.  There's no shortage of them in Scotland.  The sun comes out and they go "Ach, we'll pay for that." Cheer the fuck up!...Calvinists and Presbetyrians..."Thou shalt not, thou shalt not."  This is a country where men wear skirts and no fucking knickers, we fucking *shall*."
Billy Connolly on the last stop of a comedy tour in Scotland, on some of his fellow Scots:

"This sexual manouver is known as 'cunnilingus'. It's a good word to remember if you're ever playing Scrabble with the parish priest..
In Glasgow it's not known as cunnilingus.  In Glasgow it's known as "growling at the badger." - Billy Connolly

"Why is there no mouse-flavoured cat food?" Billy Connolly

"I thought it was a fuckin' Eskimo funeral the first time I saw it." - Billy Connolly on the luge

Dorothy Parker: Mr. Coolidge, I’ve made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.
Calvin Coolidge: You lose.

'I've always giggled like a 13-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber meet and greet'
-Anderson Cooper

"No fourteen year old boy should have a ninety five dollar shirt unless he is on stage singing with this four brothers."
-Bill Cosby

MAN: What should I look for in a woman
CUPID: Respiration

"I can't help it, I'm a greedy slob. It's my hobby."
–Daffy Duck

"There's no compliment I can pay John Barrowman...that he hasn't already payed himself." - Dame Edna

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"There is a bit of insanity in dancing that does everybody a great deal of good."
-Edwin Denby

"Have you ever felt a pristine, powerful rush of hostility in your head that is so pointed and stunning it simply shouts location of your future aneurism?It was at that moment that I knew I had no psychic powers."
--Colleen Doran

"“And oftentimes he would congratulate both of us on finally being able to deliver some sort of performance approaching heterosexual.”
--Robert Downey Jr on Guy Ritchie

"If I lick your hand it's only a sign of fond affection."
--Drunk who's just been bought a drink in 'Richard Diamond'

Walter: I wanna be a greeter and WalMart.
Jeff: At WalMart?  What would be your opening line?
Walter: "Welcome to WalMart.  Get your shit and get out."

Jeff: Did you and your wife get into another argument this morning?
Walter: Yeah.
Jeff What happened?
Walter: I dunno.  She rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle and ran my ass over.
Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham with Walter, the Crotchety old Bastard.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

"I did not fail! I simply found 10,000 ways that will not work."
 - Thomas Edison

"Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another."
- George Eliot

"Next year I am going to launch a festival called DEAD EARTH.  And yet, weirdly, it will have a smaller carbon footprint than Live  Earth. Because the only way I could achieve a larger carbon footprint than Live Earth would be to drop an asteroid on Australia.  And that's just a little outside the range of my capabilities right now. Still, it's good to have ambitions." -- Warren Ellis

"White man did."--Elmer (on who gave him the idea)

  "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your  boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find  you a temp."
-Bob Ettinger

Revenge is better if it's like a five year old popsicle–cold, hard, and bitter.
--Scott Evil, in Jolted

“They've all ascended to Lawon's level. He is the answer to all their prayers. Some of you may think that he made the worst move in the history of the show. But to win big, sometimes you have to gamble big. And, in gambling terms, Lawon just took all his money out of the bank, bet half of it on Black, invested in the other half in the Greek economy, and then announced his plans to fly a paper airplane to Jupiter.”
EW recap of Big Brother

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

"I love the summer time but I can only spend so much time at Chuck E Cheese.  I went so much this summer that the giant rat *knows* me.  He's like "Hey, mornin' Craig." I'm like "Mornin' Chuck".  I get a bit tired of their pizza as well.  Although I do admit I stll love the ball pit.  "The Ball Pit" is the name of a new club on Santa Monica Boulevard.  They have a two twink minimum. --Craig Ferguson

"If you're gonna go out to brunch, San Francisco is the best place in America.  Because brunch is America's only openly gay meal.   It *is*!  It's a gay meal, brunch.  It's out, it's here.  Come on, it's *brunch*!  It's brunch and it's *fabulous*.  Sangria? You bet, sister!  Pancakes? Uh *huh*!  Do crunches all week, have pancakes on Sunday."--Craig Ferguson

"London smells like ass."--Craig Ferguson

"Glasgow...if you imagine Braveheart set in Detroit in the 1970's, it'll give you a fair idea of what the town is like.  Lots of violence and polyester."--Craig Ferguson

"It puts the haggis in Its trousers or It gets the hose again."
-Craig Ferguson

"I hear a loud radio, off come my pants." Nathan Fillion

"You killed all the guys I didn't like working with, so I'm in," Nathan Fillion telling Joss Whedon he'll do another Firefly series

 Neil Patrick Harris (to Nathan Fillion)"You're still Captain Hammer."
Joss Whedon: "You thought that was acting?"
Nathan Fillion: "It's actually shaped like a little hammer. I mean, little for a hammer. I showed Joss one time, and he just won't shut up about it."
Joss Whedon: "That was a great day. The day you got the part of Mal."
San Diego Comicon, 2008

"Is not a kiss the very autograph of love?"
-- Henry Finck

"A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle."
-Ian Fleming (1908-1964)

"Every day is a new adventure"
 -FBI Forensic Chemist

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

too cold for you Mike?
Nah... You know it's too cold when I stop shivering.

how hasGus has adjusted to your parkinsons?". (his dog)
Oblivious As long as the kibble hits the dish."

Mike getting a tattoo of you soon..,,.
Better than getting a tattoo from me

Is that your dog in your photo?"
That's Gus... Has Barkinsons but maintains a pawsitive attitude

Tweeting w Parkinson's? Now THAT deserves an Emmy.”
Try eating jello.
Michael J. Fox responding to fans on Twitter

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of  the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
-Jeff Foxworthy

“I’m the Rosa Parks of making wildly inappropriate comparisons.”
--Matt Fraction

"If 73% of men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, why don't we have bars named 'Pupils'? "
 Al Franken

 "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age."
         -Robert Frost (1874-1963)

When I'm not writing the novel I feel guilty. And even though blogworthy things turn up (I could write about the thaw right now, and the sunshine and the bees; three days ago a really funny entry on what to do when your assistant hands you twenty pounds of whole and uncut cow liver for your dog that she was given at the local meat packing plant didn't get written, and yesterday I composed an entire thing in my head I didn't write down about Why The People in Torchwood Season One Are All Too Stupid To Live -- including the astonishingly puzzling incident where someone in 1941 has written something down on paper with black ink (a medium that will last legibly for centuries if kept out of the sun), and, unaccountably worried that ink on paper will fade and become unreadable in time, first she takes a prototype Polaroid photo of it, and then writes some of it in blood and puts it in a coffee can in a damp cellar, because these media will still be readable seventy years later. Why she didn't make a model of it out of chocolate as well, I will never know.)
--neil gaiman

I like "pencil-necked weasel". It has "pencil" in it. Pencils are good things. You can draw or write things with pencils. I think it's what you call someone when you're worried that using a long word like "intellectual" may have too many syllables. It's not something that people who have serious, important things to say call other people.--Neil Gaiman, on being insulted by a Minnesota politician

I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for the Sandman. It was immediately cut by the editor [Karen Berger]. She told me, “There’s no masturbation in the DC Universe.” To which my reaction was, “Well that explains a lot about the DC Universe.
-Neil Gaiman

  "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on."
-Samuel Goldwyn

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-Al Gore, VP

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Al Gore, Vice President

"I don't think being a magna cum laude from Harvard was anywhere near as valuable as being Gopher on the Love Boat."
--Actor and ex-congressman Fred Grandy, explaining the Hollywood advantage when running for political office.

"A hug is a smile with arms, a laugh with a stronger grip."
-Terri Guillemets

"We are buying extra large condoms for our extra large penises."
-guy ahead of me in Seven-Eleven (I'm so not making this up)

"Don't carry a grudge. While you're out carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing."
-Buddy Hackett

 "Now look, that damned cowboy is President of the United States."
-Mark Hanna, referring to Theodore Roosevelt

 "When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"
-Sydney Harris

    "Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax  and get used to the idea."
-Robert A. Heinlein

Turns out all my letters of protest to slaughter houses for their inhumane treatment of gay men was for naught. What the hell's a game hen?--Simon Helberg

When you get stuck, you can always eat something, blow something up, or throw penguins.
-Jim Henson

"Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough." - Adam Hills, Edinburgh Fringe

"We have no interest in oppressing other people. We are not moved by hatred against any other nation.  We bear no grudge. I know how grave a thing war is.  I wanted to spare our people such an evil.It is not so much the country of Czechoslovakia; it is rather its leader, Edward Benes. He has led a reign of terror. He has hurled countless people into the profoundest misery.Through his continuous terrorism, he has succeeded in reducing millions of his people to silence. The Czech maintenance of a tremendous military arsenal can only be regarded as a focus of danger. We have displayed a truly unexampled patience, but I am no longer willing to remain inactive while this madman ill-treats millions of human beings."
                      -Adolph Hitler (April 14th, 1939)

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

Today is the tomorrow I was worried about yesterday—Anthony Hopkins

"The most damaging phrase in the language is: 'It's always been done that way.' "
- Rear Admiral Grace Hopper

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

“He who sleeps in continual noise is wakened by silence.”
-William Dean Howells

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
-Warren Hutcherson

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca

 "People want economy, and they will pay any price to get it."
-Lee Iaocca

"Have I mentioned I hate the cold?"
-Robert Irvine

"Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch."
--Dave James

 "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
-Richard Jeni

Kurdy: "Then I'd be fucked. I would be so completely, supremely, eternally fucked that I don't even think there's a word for that level of fuckosity, know what I'm sayin'?"
Jeremiah, The Long Road

"It's weird, the values. Jonas Salk invented the polio vaccine, but I'm worth more than he is. I walk into a bar and people know me. Jonas Salk probably can't even get laid. Now, figure that out."
-Billy Joel

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she
   sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I  didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"
-Jake Johanson

   "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

“My powers are magical Tin Head and none of your mutant powers can handle ‘em”
Juggernaut to Colossus (about him and the X-Men)

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people."
-G. Khan

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that."
- Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

"I watched Titanic when I got back home from the hospital, and cried. I knew than that my IQ had been damaged."
-Stephen King

"Get busy living, or get busy dying."
-Stephen King

"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." - Stephen King

   "No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy."
-Henry Kissinger

" It's a widely-accepted fact that conservatives aren't funny. At least intentionally. It's just the nature of the beast. The Conservative Comedian Hall of Fame is housed in the men's room of a Denny's in Provo, Utah, and there's still at least one stall without any exhibits. "
Bryan Lambert in his June 26 post at YouAreDumb.net
http://www.youaredumb.net/node/625

   "I don't get emotional, I just get gassy."
-Nathan Lane

"Hollywood... Real diamonds, fake breasts."
- Nathan Lane.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

California is a queer place - in a way, it has turned its back on the world, and looks into the void Pacific.... It's sort of crazy-sensible.  Just the moment:  hardly as far ahead as carpe diem.
-D.H. Lawrence

Gay folks wanna commit to marriage & fight for their country. That's more than John Edwards & Dick Cheney can say.--Dennis Leary

“Peanut Butter and Jelly Vodka. This is just going to make things too easy for priests now.”--Dennis Leary

"I'm not a snob. Ask anybody-well, anybody who matters."
-Simon LeBon

"Boards don't hit back."
-B. Lee

"Unfortunately the civil liberities types who are fighting this issue have to fight it owing to the nature of the laws as a matter of freedom of speech and so on... but we know what's really involved here. Dirty books are fun."
-Tom Lehrer

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Whoever invented God is an idiot. God is absolutely man's worst invention."
- Chris Lowe

"Forever you will be a leather garment fantasy"
-Lungbutter, Boot Raper

"Fuck me, I'm a poodle."
 -William H Macy

"                   "
-Marcel Marseau

‘You feel like you’re some medieval courier or adventurer on a mission. You’ve got ultimate purpose, you’ve got to get to there. It’s quite dangerous at times not because it’s exciting or anything, but just because the weather can come in and you’re on your own. I took Benedict Cumberbatch up the Brecon Beacons a few weeks back. It was fucking hilarious. We started late because Benedict’s eyes are bigger than his belly, and we’d stopped in Hay-on-Wye and he saw some steak-and-kidney pie, and he had to have it: "Oh, we’ve got to stay and have some pie." We finally started walking up this mountain, Pen-Y-Fan, at half past three. And of course the cloud came down. But I thought: I am not stopping, Ben, I am not stopping because of your bloody pie. So we kept walking and ended up with 5ft visibility. It was brilliant, though, amazing; this sheer drop, 1,000ft down, just to your left. You knew it was there but you just had to trust you wouldn’t step out into it. And then the cloud cleared for 10 minutes … I just felt I was in heaven.’--James McAvoy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
- Dean Martin

"You're not drunk if you can hold on to the floor."
-Dean Martin

"Cake is the only food we write on."
Demetri Martin

"Oh, no, no. Ah, I'll tell you something. I have a deep problem with coffee but I don't drink coffee for the stimulant. I just love the taste of coffee, and I also love bad coffee. It doesn't make any difference to me."
-Paul Martin

"Alec! Now we can get married!" — Steve Martin to Alec Baldwin, on Twitter re: gay marriage in New York.
"Ok. But if you play that ... banjo after eleven o'clock..." — Baldwin's response.

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
- Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But, this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short."
- Andre Maurois

"He was like a father to me... we never talked."
 -Bruce McCullough, CBC Radio special

“You're Hispanic. You speak Spanish. You're doing ethnic jokes. Taco Bell is one of your first targets.”--Carlos Mencia

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping. --Carlos Mencia

"If you can take a penis, you can take a joke."--Carlos Mencia, on gay people

The Golden Globes are so insanely ridiculous. I once met with the foreign press for SCRUBS. Felt like I was at a bus stop outside an insane asylum. One of the questions I got (not actually a question): "you should have more Indians on the show". I said it was a good point, as the medical community is full of Indian physicians. He said, "no, the other kind". Then he made the vaguely racist 'woo-woo-woo-woo' noise kids make when playing cowboys and Indians. a.) True story. b.) He wasn't trying to be funny. Giant scam awards (unless I get nominated for one again someday, then they're awesome).--Bill Miller

 I like the girls who do,
I like the girls who don't;
I hate the girl who says she will
And then she says she won't.
But the girl that I like best of all
And I think you'll say I'm right--
Is the one who says she never has
But looks as though she might.
                            - MAX MILLER

Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

"It's love and darkness and my sidearm...."
-Moby

"I thought *everybody* woke up a couple of mornings a week in the shower with marmite-clotted hand cuffs.  But apparently not."
- Irish comedian Dylan Moran

"'Because that's still how Irish people are seen.  Twinkly-eyed fuckers with a pig under their arm, high stepping around the world going 'I'll paint your house, but watch out, I might steal the ladder.' .....  Which is only half true." - Dylan Moran

"April prepares her green traffic light, and the world thinks 'Go'"
-Christopher Morley

If we discovered that we had only five minutes left to say all that we wanted to say, every telephone booth would be occupied by people calling other people to stammer that they loved them.
-Christopher Morley

“Samson, I decided would be a callback to the British newspaper strip “Garth.” Although you may already be imagining a daily strip about the exploits of time–tossed The Boys writer, Garth Ennis, it was actually about a blonde Adonis type who bounced around the ages having mildly horny, racy adventures.
(Go look him up then return the wiser before reading on, so I don’t have to explain anymore about this bastard – he’s often described as “the British Superman,” but oh...my arse! I hated meathead, personality–singularity Garth...but we all grew up with his meandering, inexplicable yet incredibly–drawn adventures and some of it was quite good when you were a little lad because he was always shagging ON PANEL with the likes of a bare–breasted cave girl or gauze–draped Helen of Troy.
(Unlike Superman, you see, the top British strongman liked to get naked. Lots naked. Naked in every time period he could get naked in, which was all of them thanks to the miracle of his bullshit powers. (Imagine Doctor Who buff, dumb and naked all the time – Russell, I’ve had an idea!!!! – and that’s Garth in a nutshell.
(Sorry, I know I’m going on and the average attention span of anyone reading stuff on the Internet amounts to no more than a few paragraphs, but basically, Garth was always getting naked. In public, in family newspapers. Bollock naked. Let’s face it, patriotic Americans, have you ever seen Superman’s arse?
(Brits, hands up who still remember the man, and have you ever not seen Garth’s arse? Do you not, in fact, have a very clear image of it in your head, as drawn by Martin Asbury perhaps? In mine, Garth’s pulling aside a flimsy curtain to gaze at the pyramids with Cleopatra buck naked in foreground ogling his rock hard glutes...).Anyway, Samson, I decided, was the Hebrew version of Garth and he would have his own mad comic that was like an American version of Garth. I saw the Bible hero plucked from the desert sands by time–travelling buffoons in search of a savior. Introduced to all the worst aspects of future culture and, using his stolen, erratic Chrono–Mobile, Samson became a time–(and space) travelling Soldier of Fortune, writing wrongs, humping princesses, accumulating and losing treasure etc. Like a science fiction Conan. Meets Garth.
-Grant Morrison, on his character, Samson, from All-Star Superman

"Arithmetic is being able to count up to sixteen without taking off  your shoes."
-Mickey Mouse(1928 - )

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

"You're only young once, but you can be immature indefinitely."
 -Ogden Nash

"If more of us valued food, cheer, and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world." --Thorin Oakenshield, "The Hobbit"

''Sometimes when we're rolling around in the jungle in the mud and  we're hitting each other and stabbing each other and shooting each other  and they're pouring on the blood and turning on the sprinklers, I wonder  what it would be like to bake up a sheet of cookies on Wisteria Lane.  And get one of their checks.''
LOST'S TERRY O'QUINN, DURING HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR OUTSTANDING  SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

"Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things."
~Paul (A.D. First Century)
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"You just have to decide if you're a Tigger or an Eeyore. I think I'm clear where I stand on the great Tigger/Eeyore debate. Never lose the childlike wonder. It's just too important. It's what drives us." Randy Pausch

"I'm no good in the morning until I've had that first piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."
-Emo Philips

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
-Emo Philips.

"Vegetables are more serious than men and more sensitive to frost."
-Francis Picabia

 "A university professor set an examination question in which he asked what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an A to a student who answered: I dont know and I dont care.."
-Richard Pratt

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
- Terry Pratchett.

 "When money talks, there are few interruptions."
-Herbert V. Prochnow

 "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle

"The merde has hit the oscillator. So to speak."
-Rex Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

 "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-Paul Rodriguez

"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
-Will Rogers

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

"The vice president of the United States has the best job in the  country. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How's the  President?' "
    -Will Rogers (1879-1935)

"I believe humans get a lot done, not because we're smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee."
~Flash Rosenberg

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye."
- Saint-Exupery

Greg Sanders--"Just for the record, I like having my penis."

"We do not judge the people we love."
-J.P. Sartre

From the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix:
"I suppose you'd call an overweight goth girl 'Vampire:The Buffet Slayer' "

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

       "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
-Jerry Seinfeld

SEME: I've been completely captivated by you.
UKE: Please realise that we are both men!!
SEME: It's your fault for not conveying any manliness at all.
(Best BL Manga line ever, according to Halrlopillar)

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
Dr. Seuss

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-~Henry Wheeler Shaw

"My dog is half pit bull, half poodle.  Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip."
-Craig Shoemaker

"Prayer may not change things for you, but it for sure changes you for things."
-Samuel M. Shoemaker

"Draw a crazy picture Write a nutty poem Sing a mumble-gumble song Whistle through your comb Do a loony-goony dance 'Cross the kitchen floor Put something silly in the world That ain't been there before."
--Shel Silverstien

"My baby sister is thirty years old.  She has four kids.  I spent half an hour with those four kids, and my ovaries tied themselves in knots.  My sister wanted me to take care of them for a week. I'm pretty sure that's a government program: Scared Sterile."
-Tracy Smith

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

"When coffee dreams, it dreams of chocolate."
-on a box of Starbuck's chocolate covered blueberries

"Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies."
- St Augustine

 "Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them."
-Adlai Stevenson

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
-Rod Stewart

"All these years of caution and denial, to finally let lose my true feelings.  I liked letting go; never before have I felt so...free."
-Storm in the Savageland after taking on 5 X-Men when she was angry (and winning)

On this Nat'l Alien Abduction Day, I remind non-humans of the Prime Directive and demand cavity probes be strictly voluntary.--George Takai

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

   "It was like having a demented, highly intelligent parrot in the house."
-Quentin Tarantino's mom

"Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes."
Thoreau

"If so many men, so many minds, certainly so many hearts, so many kinds of love."
-Leo Tolstoy

  "I don't give them hell.  I just tell the truth and they think it is hell."
-Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

    "Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . But I repeat myself."
-Mark Twain

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

 "Don't tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big God is."
 -unknown

"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool  from any direction."
-unknown

                       "The future has been losing the wisdom of the past ever since the  freeway bypassed the corral."
-unknown

"Age is a very high price to pay for maturity."
-unknown

                   "The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end."
-unknown

 "For every action there is an equal and opposite government program."
-unknown

 "Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the Sun."
-unknown

 "A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer."
-unknown

  "Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier."
-unknown

 "One thing about the speed of light...it gets here too early in the morning."
-unknown

I like to imagine that the scene where Artie sings and Mike dances ignited the fervor of millions of Artie/Chang shippers, who like to imagine a future where the two, married, perform classic R&B over morning coffee. More specifically, Artie drinks the coffee while reading the paper and singing. Mike must dance. He must dance always. Or Artie will tire of him
.--Todd VanDerWerff, in his review of “Glee-Silly Love Songs” for The A.V Club.

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. "
- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

    "Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way."
  -Daniele Vare

"A triumph of the embalmers art."
                -Gore Vidal, on Ronald Reagan

"The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease."
- Voltaire

 "By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong."
-Charles Wadsworth

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-John Wayne

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"There are six emergency exits on this plane, which is coincidentally the same number of failed marraiges that our flight attendant has had."
-another stewardess on Pinky's flight to Vancouver, courtesy of WestJet

''Well, I adore 'em. Except for the few sickos who write lesbian fan fiction about me and Bea Arthur.''
BETTY WHITE, DISCUSSING HER LEGION OF DEDICATED FANS, ON UGLY BETTY

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

"There  is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-Ben Williams

''Disney's making a movie starring a black princess. And we only had to  get through a Native American princess, an Arab princess, a Chinese  princess, even a half-fish princess. Not to mention the countless cats,  dogs, mice, elephants, talking cars, and whatever the hell Stitch was.''
'SENIOR BLACK CORRESPONDENT' LARRY WILMORE, ON THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART

"Being a cop is a lot like wetting yourself in dark pants...  You get a warm feeling, but nobody else notices"
              -Retired Windsor SWAT Sergeant

"Trust plays a key role in this. It eases fear so that I am free to dissolve into mindless ecstasy."
-Layne Winklebleck (on BDSM)

"She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when."
-PG Wodehouse

"The name of the disease you've got is acute, malignant optimisim."
--Archie Goodwin, Nero Wolfe

Man: "You are not a serious person."
Archie Goodwin: "And proud of it."
--Nero Wolfe

"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
- Henny Youngman

"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving."
- Henny Youngman.

***
THE NEW PLEDGE
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States Against Anything Un-American,
and to the Republicans for which it stands, two nations, under Jesus,
rich against poor, with curtailed liberty and justice for all*
*Except blacks, homosexuals, women who want abortions, Communists, welfare queens, treehuggers, feminazis,
illegal immigrants, children of illegal immigrants, and you if you don't watch your step
-unknown

***

"What the f___ was that?"
-Mayor of Hiroshima

 "Where did all these f___ing Indians come from?"
- General Custer

 "Any f__ing idiot could understand that."
-Albert Einstein

 "It does so f___ing look like her!"
-Pablo Picasso

"How the f___ did you work that out?"
-Pythagoras

 "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?"
-Michelangelo

 "I don't suppose its gonna f___ing rain?"
-Joan of Arc

 "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in my head."
-John F. Kennedy

"Who the f___ is going to know? "
-Bill Clinton

***
"Pleasure...man-sized pleasure." - Line from 1965 Falstaff Bear commercial

Cogito Eggo Sum--I think, therefore I am a waffle.
Cogito Ergo Spud--I think therefore I yam.
Cogito Ergo Mum--I think it was yo mama!
-found on a bulletin board at Star Tek

"In case of nuclear attack, hide in the urinal.  Nothing's hit there yet." - sign above the urinals in a Whiskey Row (Prescott, AZ) bar.

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

 "Beauty is only a light switch away."
-Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham,  North Carolina

"What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke  is in your hands."
-Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

              "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
-instructions on a Swedish chain saw
           (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good grief.)

"Not to be used for the other use."
     -instructions on a Japanese food processor
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

"Family Planning - Please use rear entrance"
 - sign at Barnstable (England) Health Care Centre

"You can't fake the damaged tongue!"
"Gays slur from all the pounding on their tongue."
"All my gay friends are texting that they can't get through!"
"We're still taking entries for Judge My Junk"
"Which one were you again? We get so many naked pictures here."
"I have super hetero questions for the gays, but I also have a test question to make sure they are really gay."
"Name all the members of the Gucci Gang."
"If I hear voices in the background, I 'll cut your ass off! Oh, that was so gay! I'll disconnect the line."
(this was the DJ and his two companions on some radio station in the Philippines, discussing some contest where gay people were asked to call in and if they could answer a variety of questions--mostly sports related, they could win a trip to Boracay)
 
 
 

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