Customer: What's that, quantum physics?
Wanda Dollard: Yeah, I've always been fascinated that light could be a particle and a wave. I was gonna study it in college, but then I got interested in biochemistry. And then on a whim settled on liguistics with minor in comparative religion.
Customer: Wow, how'd you end up in a place like this?
Wanda Dollard: The last girl quit, can you believe it?

Wanda Dollard: Now, I just need to finish the set design. I'm thinking something shiny. Bright colors, red, green, flashing lights.
Brent LeRoy: So old Chistmas decorations?
Wanda Dollard: Yeah!
Brent LeRoy: Fine, you deck the halls but I'm not donning any gay apparel.
Wanda Dollard: Okay.

Brent: Don't point your pickle at me!

Oscar: Let me answer that question with another question: Shut Up!

Brent: Brunch is a powerfull tool. I won't see it used for evil.

Oscar: John Luck Pickarrd. Who the hell is that?
Brent: It's Jean Luc Picard dad, he's french.
Oscar: Ah those french bastards! Bouncing checks! Marge Simpson. She sounds familar. What does she look like?
Brent: Thin, orange skin, blue hair.
Oscar: Don't take checks from Marge or that french guy!

Lacey: Who is it?
Davis: Open up ma'am, police business.
Lacey: [opens the door] Is this official police business, or do you just want a cup of coffee?
Davis: Do you have any on?

Fitzy: My plan to promote Dog River is working. An American tourist came here accidentally.

Lacey: Yeah, Brent. Why don't you look Fitzy's Grandma in the eye and give her one good reason this town can't build a great big dirty ho.

Oscar: Her memory's going.
Emma: I remember. You want Alpha-getti.
Oscar: If you remember, why did you bring home Dino-ghetti ?
Emma: What difference does it make ?
Oscar: You can't spell with dinosaurs.

Brent: Plus, I was careful to choose a slogan where the letters couldn't be rearranged to spell anything embarrassing.
Wanda: What slogan ?
Brent: Come for the oil change. Stay for the grease.
Wanda: Choose Glenn Frey for a menage a trois.

Oscar: There's nothing wrong with my memory. You think I'm not on the ball, but I'm on the ball. I'll tell you when I get off the ball -- which is never.

Emma: Don't fly off the handle.
Oscar: I'm not off the handle. I'm still on the handle. I'll tell you when I come off the handle -- or the ball.

Brent: Man, is it busy. I've been hearing more bells than ....
Wanda: Quasimodo, Pavlov's dog, the chief bell-tester down at the big bell factory.
Brent: What was the first one you said there -- Quomidoso ? Let's go with that.

Emma: You've gone too far. You should apologize.
Brent: Me !! What about you ?
Emma: I have to live with the guy, now apologize. You're making him paranoid.
Brent: Making him paranoid ? This is the guy that thinks the GST was brought in as a personal attack against him.

Davis: A glove compartment is for gloves. You're not supposed to put other things in there.
Karen: I hate to think what you keep in a handbag.

Hank: Hey Brent, how tall are you?
Brent: About 5'9.
Hank: My point exactly!
Brent: Did I just lose an argument I wasn't even in?

Brent: Yeah, that's why most people go to med school. So they can feel up old men ... legally.

Lacey: Look, you guys just let me talk to him, okay. He's an old friend. He'll be fine. Really. I'm fine.
Brent: Is that why you're pouring gravy on apple pie ?

Lacey: He was just so forgiving. You know, I mean, you could treat him badly and he'd say I'm sorry.
Brent: Heartless bastard.
Lacey: You think there's something wrong with me.
Brent: No. Other than that you'll never be happy, or satisfied. Probably die alone, houseful of cats.

Hank: Look honey, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm always here for you.
Lacey: You are so close to getting a knee in the balls.
Hank: So it's over between us then.

Lacey: You should seriously consider starting your own cult.
Brent: I'm thinking about it. Play your cards right, you could be wife number 30.

Oscar: I didn't know whether to tell you this or not, but someone in town has a crush on me.
Emma: A crush ... on you. You couldn't get a dog to lick you if you were covered in gravy.
Oscar: What the hell are you talking about. Dogs lick me all the time.
Emma: So who's got a crush on you ? Is Helen Keller back in town ?

Brent: She is easy on the eyes.
Oscar: Wouldn't be after Emma got through with her.
Brent: Oh, that's true. Lacey seems nimble, but I don't think she could match Mum's raw power.

Karen: Admit it Davis, you'll stop traffic at the drop of a hat.
Davis: I was young and bored -- thin and pretty.
Wanda: What the hell happened ?

Lacey: Hey Wanda, you want some lunch ?
Wanda: I want somebody to kick me in the jaw.
Lacey: So hard to have a regular conversation in this town.

Paul the bartender: Hi Lacey, what can I getcha ?
Lacey: I feel like a glass of wine. What's you house red ?
Paul the bartender: Not sure ... hey, what's it say on that bag of wine over there ? No, that's ketchup, the one beside it.
Lacey: You know what ? Beer's good.

Brent: Hey Marvin. Listen that was a pretty cool thing you did for Lacey. And I know we haven't been overly hospitable here. So, can I buy you a drink ? Bearing in mind I'm not gay.
Marvin the Taxman: I could use another drink ... bearing in mind I'm not an alcoholic.

Brent: Well, let's say hypothetically, my dad can't find these sales records. What's the deal then .... prison ?
Marvin the Taxman: Well there's no tax prison in Canada .... you don't have to worry about that.
Brent: I wasn't worrying. I was suggesting.

Hank: Wanda, what do you know about this Lacey person ?
Wanda: I know she doesn't have cataracts, so you don't have a chance.

Oscar: Your son is turning the gas station into a movie theater
Brent: Bear in mind that Dad has a tendency to overstate things
Oscar: I have never overstated a single thing in the history of the planet

Lacey: I mean come on, a boycott. Look it, I'm not clubbing baby seals and I'm not using Honduran children to make sneakers.
Hank: You could be clubbing baby seals with Hondurian children and I don't care about that.

Hank: Freaky abstract art on the walls, and she puts weird cloths on the table
Brent: You mean tablecloths
Hank: It's too much. She's turned the coffee house into a gay bar.

Brent: Maybe she doesn't want us in the coffe shop because shes turning the whole place into a meth-amphetamine lab, get the town kids hooked on the meth and the crack cocaine, 'cause once your hooked on that you know what's next: marijuana, then jazz music, and then forget about it.

Lacey: You don't see a photo of me with a hitler mustache, tossing puppies into a woodchipper.
Hank: Does such a photo exist?

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