LOUD AND (CRYSTAL) CLEAR
(words of wisdom from the rubinesque...)

"I think the problem is I swallow them and I don't bring them back up!"
-what are we talking about?

"You're the one who wanted to hang with the tribe!"
-to Breyanna on her strawless status

"Oh, it's ten dollars *all* you can eat! You'd think a fat girl would have gotten that one right!"

"Get there early; you don't want to stand in line behind her!"
-on Michele at brunch

"I'll make a special trip down to Regina for bacon."

Crystal: Can you believe she gave birth to me?
Crystal’s Mom: Yah, but she was not that big back then?
Crystal: Sit down old lady!

You NEED to be in another room!

Just because you have your own gravitational pull that does not make you my world!

A "country" is a lesbian Christmas tree.

The neighbourhood kids used her box for a slip-n-slide.

Is it possible to give wedgies to people wearing thongs?

"If you were here last year, you know that if you don't scream I come sit on ya. Then you'll scream. So either way I get what I want."

"Make 'em bleed!"
-crowning ceremony

URETHRA: Did you get your buggy punched?
CRYSTAL: Yeah, punch buggy, no return though.

"Fat chicks rule!"

"You look so happy-go-lucky. I just wanted to say that. Happy-go-lucky, yep. Someday I aspire to be you!"
(mocking a tired decade Empress)

KRICKET: Where's Roxy?
CRYSTAL: Probably swinging off of the nearest str8 guy.

"Is it true they're not contagious when it starts to flake?"

"Eventually the fat one will eat the skinny one."
(see Shane's str8 vs Moose Jaw quote)

"She is her own proctologist."

"Those are Shane's nuts--I'm not touchin' em!"
(but they're honey roasted!)

"The Puff has poofed."

"Jenny Craig-pah! Weight Watchers-pah!"

"They fit right into the Imperial Family....both on the rubinesque side..."
-on the decade monarchs

"Roll away, fatboy!"

"Maim, don't kill-it's the gift that keeps on giving!"

APPOLONIA: Iceberg dead ahead! (to Crystal)
CRYSTAL: Frosty bitch--table for one!

"She looks like she fell on a 70's rug!"

NADA: I'm really broke cos someone took forty bucks out of my box. (meaning her purse)
CRYSTAL: Oh, sorry, I thought it was an automated teller. (different definition of box)

"I'm as bitched up as a one-legged hooker with a broken shoe!"

BRUCE: It must be lit.
CRYSTAL: Not you, Anne, the candleabra!

"I don't want to get fit, I just want to lose 20 lbs.!"

"If I can't have it, I can at least direct other people to it."

"Yeah, that's it, bite his nipples, oh yeah!"
-giving direction

"Damn Greenpeacers! Do I look like I have a blowhole?"

"Technically they're African-American squares."
-on brownies

"You like my shoes? They hurt!"

"I pride myself on not being Roxy!"

"I'm nothing but fantabulous!"

"Not with all the extensions you can afford!"

"Y'know, I'm fa--I'm drunk!"

"Do I look like I need an abortion?"
-talking about a shooter

"Garnet (real name) is a semi precious stone--I mean UPGRADE, girl!"

"I don't normally throw up from this shit, but for you I'll make an exception."

"I'm built for comfort, not speed."

"I'll be right back...maybe tomorrow."

"Fat girls match!"

"I need a drink. She needs a drink. You need a drink. You should buy us a drink. You should comp us a drink. You should comp everyone a drink. DRINKS, DRINKS, DRINKS, DRINKS, DRINKS!"
(with a little help from Trixie on the chorus)

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