Thistletwat! You little, drunken slut!
(on Ms. Anastasia being in fine form)
DORIAN: At the Rotary Carol Festival they
all do the same number: '...and here's the grade one class from blah blah
school doing Carol of The Bells! And here's the Lutheran Ladies Gun Club
doing Carol of the Bells..."
DEEDZ: No, they would do 'Carol of the
Smith and Wesson'!
"....all those personalities, and not one of them bathes...."
"So there was this really fat cab driver...who used to shit in the tub...."
-two stories that don't go great together
"Don't wait up for the shrimp boat baby, I'm coming home with the crabs!"
-romantic
DRUNK LESBIAN: (to Fred) How come you got
three nipples?
DEEDZ: He ate a radioactive cod.
TANYA HIDE: I want a screwup (meaning
a cocktail)
DEEDZ: (sweeping gesture over whole
room) Take your pick!
"Every time I send you something it bounces back and says your box is
full."
-to Trixie
DEEDZ: I had to buy her those panties,
because she was getting wet just looking at them
RICHARD: Are they edible?
DEEDZ:Well, yeah, with enough ketchup.
KRIS: Seriously, I've seen episodes of
'Kink"--I know what's goin' on.
DEEDZ: I'm glad you're edumacated.
(on gender reassignment)
"Lips that touch alcohol will never touch mine....use cocaine instead."
"Get your hands off me ya big brute, you smell like fish!"
(to Brian)
TROY: "Enterprise"? Isn't that a ride at
the exhibition?
DEEDZ: I heard *you* were a ride at the
exhibition.
"Are you putting rufies in your *own* drink?"
(that never works)
"I almost didn't have to go to Thailand."
-spilling hot tea somewhere painful
"They won't accept a handjob from you if you wear gold."
(on Leeland's love life...)
"I've got something for you here...it's hot and hairless!"
(to Brian)
CUSTOMER: I'll have a Brown Cow.
DEEDZ: How about a white cow? There's
one sitting at the end of the bar!
(Still bitter over Shane's 'Wonder Crone' remark)
"There's some hot tranny beaver for ya!"
"They call her 'Wide Mouth Mason', the Knob-Gobbler from the West!"
-describing Thomas
"I'm not a fucking drag queen!"
(sing out, Louise!)
"Throughout the land it can at last be said: "Fuck you, Anne, you're fucking dead!"
ANNE: It can't be
Sunday yet, my face doesn't look like hamburger under this.
DEEDZ: Oh yes it
does!
JOCELYN: Can you
imagine waking up to that?
DEEDZ: I can't imagine going
to bed with that!
(on hearing a twink's laugh)
"oh the wheels on the bus go round, round, round!"
(singing, while eagerly awaiting her first Greyhound
bus trip)
"oh the weirdos on the bus go up and down, up
and down, up and down!"
(6 hours into her first Greyhound bus trip...to
herself)
DEEDZ: (getting
picked up by Martin and Anne at 5:30 am):" My God! I'm getting drunk
on the fumes coming off of you two!"
MARTIN: " Geese
wat weezewuz gurnto "Out of Town" show kezbops!"
ANNE: "Buuurrrwaaappp
!!!"
"I've got Sir Jock's fuzz on my lips."
"Wait a minute! That IS my tent!"
-on Shane's dress
"Not the face, the ass! I know they look similar,
but that's the side she shaves."
-on spanking Anne
Get slaid!
Closet hetero!
"I've seen more DNA than all the CSI shows combined."
"I remember your names by the first letter; D is for D-cup, and G is for...Gee, that's too bad..."
PATTY: (watching Thom's light up fan) You
are getting sleepy, you are getting sleepy...
DEEDZ: You are getting stinky, you are
getting stinky...
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
"I wonder, if he went down on her, if she'd taste like a popsicle."
-on Andorian love...
"Look! I've got baby grapes!"
-at brunch last week
"If a centipede a pint, and a millipede a quart, how much did the precipice?"
"why don't you take your balls out of your wife's purse and make a decision!"
-to Sean
THOMAS: Look at that little girl at the
end of the bar with the cute pigtails.
DEEDZ: She looks a little retarded to
me--should she be here alone?
"Ohhh, and I thought the full moon was on Wednesday."
"I own an epileptilady."
"We'll just call you Stove Top."
-to Shane
"You're a wonder of nature...and nature's still wondering!"
THOMAS: If it doesn't
work, just stick another one in.
DEEDZ:
that's why they call you 'Four Fingers Thommy'
"This is what a shaved c**t looks like!"
"She may not go down in history, but she'll go down on ___"
"Sandbox!"
"If I want a comeback from you, I'll scrape your tongue!"
THOMAS: Close the
lid on that one, it's starting to smell.
DEEDZ: Ah, but it
keeps the flies off the watermelon
"I just relax and let it run out naturally...I'm
in the zone!"
(see Jason quotes for response)
DEEDZ: How are you doing?
ANDREA (aka Boobala): I'm sick!
DEEDZ: You got sniffles?
ANDREA: Syphillis? Did you say I
have syphillis?
THOMAS: Is she using her son's name for
her new identity? (talking about sketchy drag king)
MARLON: No, she isn't. (sips coffee)
DEEDZ: That's a little too Michael Jackson
for me!
MARLON: perfects theSNF...
"I may be shrinkin', but I'll still make you squeal!"
MARLON: What a cute penis.
DEEDZ: Does it come in men's sizes?
"I'm laughing WITH YOU."
(sure she is...)
"You wouldn't want to be making mudballs..."
-how a tranny grosses herself out *L*
"Now that's fire in the hole!"
(see Jason's
Village People comment)
SHANE: My mom's going to be in the half
time show today.
DEEDZ: Is she stripping? Go Sandwich Lady!
"Mmmm, chastity pie..."
"You cow impaler!"
(get Thomas
to tell you the story)
WAITRESS: I only eat organic beef
DEEDZ: I prefer orgasmic beef. I want
my cows to be smiling.
"Leprosy--not just for breakfast anymore."
THOMAS: Whaddya got on?
DEEDZ: Hard on, but I didn't think you
could smell it.
DEEDZ: What's hit more balls than Hank
Aaron?
EVERYONE: Shane's
chin!
-everyone included Jason, Thomas and Barkley
JASON: It's a very
sensitive subject.
DEEDZ: What, the
sheep, or the Falklands?
(I guess you had to be there)
"Your horse has diabetes."
describing Regina drinking water