ARTIE:
I wanna be very clear: I still have the use of my penis.
BRITTANY:
I wore a tank top today because I thought it was summer, and no one
ever taught me to read a calendar.
When I pulled my hamstring,
I went to a misogynist.
< style="font-weight: bold;">People thought I went on
vacation, but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.
Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?
< style="font-weight: bold;">COACH BEISTE:
Early's late if you make tomorrow yesterday.
EMMA:
Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life. People say I smell like
copper. I can get a sunburn indoors at night. According to recent
legend, I have no soul.
The other day he made me buy
the green grapes and the red grapes at the market, and then we just
mixed them in the bowl and just ate them. It was madness, sheer
madness!
FINN:
The guys said if I took the Glee club photo, they'd make me choose
between a Hitler mustache and buck teeth. And I can't rock either of
those
looks.
I'm gonna say this as nice as I can. But
you look
like a sad clown hooker.
I don’t think one decision makes your
life. Unless you invent some zombie virus or something
JACOB:
The independent polling company in my Dockers has
determined you're the hottest girl in the school.
KURT:
I would like to graduate high school knowing at least how to make some
sort of pate.
Blaine is the first in a
long line of conflicted men that you will date that will turn out to be
only the most flaming of homosexuals.
Blaine and I love football.
Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves.
I don’t know why I find his
stupidity charming. I mean, he’s cheating off a girl who thinks the
square root of four is rainbows.
< style="font-weight: bold;">Oh bambi... I cried so hard when those
hunters shot your mommy...
Rachel manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the
same time.
Makeovers are like crack to me.
PUCK:
I’m a sex shark. If I stop moving, I die.
Hey ankle grabber! I had sex with your mother. No seriously.
I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star
Wars sheets.
Girls don't have prostates! I looked it
up.
QUINN:
I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt
fat that day. But it was a mistake. You’re a Lima loser and you’ll
always be a Lima loser.
RACHEL:
I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I
was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based
on
beauty and IQ. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey
baster.
To this day we don't know which one is my real dad, which I think is
pretty
amazing.
I'd like your feedback as to whether I
was brilliant or simply outstanding
Your face tastes awesome
I just had a relationship with
a guy who turned out to be gay. That is songwriting gold.
SANTANA:
I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental
bitch, which means one thing—I have awesome gaydar.
Just so you know, I have custom
bibs for me and Mercedes. You know why? Cause we's—be's goin'—to
Breadstix.
Look, I don't mean to be a
bitch—well, actually, I do.
They must have sensed I'm a
lesbian. Do I smell like a golf course?
Oh, and also, I have
razorblades hidden in my hair. Tons, just hidden all up in there.
SUE:
I do this thing where I sort of
alternate which one of those kids I hate the most. Right now, it's the
dancing Asian.
You know, William, that's what
one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic
National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon,
and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp and
tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed
with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face and spent the
next hour screaming, "Sex party!" into the microphones of all three
major networks
You should be ashamed of yourself—you
are seriously no fun to interrogate or almost torture.
Kiss my ass, Josh Groban. I’m
an internationally ranked cheerleading coach.
So you like show tunes: Doesn’t
mean you’re gay, it just means you’re awful
Santana! Wheels! Gay kid!
Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! Shaft!
I'm going to ask you to smell your
armpits. That's the smell of
failure, and it's stinking up my office.
You think this was hard? Try
auditioning for Baywatch and being
told they're going in another direction. That was hard.
'I always thought the desire to
procreate showed deep personal
weakness
'I like minorities so much, I'm
thinking of moving to California
to become one
'I, for one, think intimacy has no
place in a marriage. Walked
in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling
I will go to the animal shelter and
get you a kitty cat. I
will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark,
cold
night, I will steal away into your house...and punch you in the face.
'If I have a pregnant girl doing a
handspring into a double layout,
the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form, they're
going
to be wondering if the centrifugal force is going to make the baby's
head
start crowning
Get out of my office... if you can
manage squeezing through the
door without your water breaking all over the carpet.
All I want is just one day a year when
I'm not visually assaulted
by uglies and fatties.
Glee Club. Every time I try to destroy
that clutch of scab-eating
mouth-breathers it only comes back stronger like some sexually
ambiguous
horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed
*everything* only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a
cabal of doughy, misshapen teens
TERRI:
Listen you little psycho. This is
Will’s wife and if I don’t
get enough sleep my anti-depressants won’t work and then I’ll go crazy
and I’ll kill you. Stop calling!
***
You might wonder what Josh Groban is
doing talking to
you. You see, throngs of screaming teenagers don't do it for Josh
Groban.
No. Josh Groban loves a blousy alcoholic.--Josh Groban
Puck:Dude,
your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?
Sam:I don’t know. I’ve
never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?
Will: ''I will destroy you''
Sue: ''I am about to vomit down your
back.''
Kurt: Can we please talk about the giant
elephant in the room?
Cheerleader: Your sexuality?
Finn: I want to do glee. I'm really happy
when I perform.
Quinn: People think you're gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes
me? Your big, gay beard!
Ken Tanaka: Who's Josh Groban?
Sandy Ryerson: Who is Josh Groban?
Kill Yourself! He is an angel sent
from heaven to deliver Platinum Records unto us. And if he were here
right
now I'd club you to death with his Critics' Choice Award.
