"I wouldn't know a good question if it was stuffed
down my throat and pulled out my ass."
-Dave Foley
"Guess what, son? You know that puppy that you've been wanting for a long time? Well, I bought you one today on the way home from work. But I got so hungry that I *ate* it! Don't cry, I'm just jokin'. I would never buy you a puppy."-Dave Foley
"Excuse me...Listen...if you are insinuating that I am a spy...or that any member of my family is a spy...then you're way off base! Look, just because we're Canadian does NOT mean we are spies!"-Dave Foley
"Oh, son! Son, how many girls called you today? Zero? And how many called you yesterday? Lemme guess, zero? Well, you know what they say, son. Zero plus zero equals FAG! Zero times any other number always equals FAG! Think about it, ya little mathematician."-Dave Foley
"Dear Dave, you're so hunky-wunky, cutie-putie, lovey-dovey, sexy-wexy and you're my fave! Keep up the good work."--Mark McKinney
"He can't tell he's balding... spiritually!"
-Kevin McDonald
"I'm nutty bunny number three. The cutest one is always me."-Kevin McDonald
"He used to say: The World's so full of
crap, why bother wiping your ass?"
-Scott Thompson
"Keep on doing what you're do-do-doing, till it's
done-done-done!"
-Scott Thompson
"Everytime I come to this city, some guy picks me up at the bus station, takes me to a Leaf game, gets me pissed, then tries to do me. Why can't people like me for me?"--Scott Thompson
"Would you turn off those goddamn Indigo Girls? If I have to listen to one more lesbian lament about lost love, I'm getting out of this car and walking to the nearest gay bar to suck everyone off!"--Scott Thompson
"I was born on February 29, 1960, a leap year, thereby celebrating my birthday every four years. It ws inevitable I would become a homosexual."--Scott Thompson
"I looked at her and thought, who would screw
you? She should be bisexual, it would increase her chances"
-Bruce McCullough
America, by Bruce McCullough
"Some people, when they see the stars and stripes
flapping in the wind, they say "That's America!" Me, when I see the flag
hung up in the window of some basement apartment by guys who have better
things to do with their money then buy curtains, I say "That's America"
to me. In America, there are 51 states, or maybe it's 80 by now. Does England
count? I'm not quite sure. The one thing I am sure of though, is if I'm
standing in a warehouse beside a timeclock and a guy is punching in for
his best friend who is too hungover to get out of bed, I'm standing in
America. The makeover capital of the world. The place where every young
man has to answer in his heart the question what do you love more your
girlfriend, or your car. And where that young man can buy a beat up old
car for $300 and have to spend $1000 to insure it. Where else can even
a paperboy auction the film rights to a book. A woman on the assembly line
works out her overtime in her head to infinity, and at the exact same moment
her husband gets into an accident because he's looking at a girl in a tube
top. In America, where spelling doesn't count, people's pets do. Where
else can a guy get a job riding a whale at Marineland, but in America?
In America, a guy's girlfriend breaks up with him over the phone. So he
gets a gun and kills the principal. Everyone is sad, until they get the
day off. Next week, another guy, another gal, another "we can still be
friends" phone call, uh oh, the assistant principal gets it. And everyone's
sad, because they don't get the day off, he's just the assistant principal.
America, a land of opportunity. Yes that great lumbering beast, that journeys
tirelessly, only stops to eat a clubhouse sandwich, pick his teeth with
a matchbook cover, and fall asleep with the TV on... again. America, a
place for Americans."
"Oh dee oh din dote din day,
Oh dee oh din day,
Oh dee oh din dote din day,
Fattening up our tapeworms!"
-The College Graduates