WILKIE WISDOM
(Who says straight guys can't be clever?)

I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?

I've got a perfect body... but it's in the attic and beginning to smell!

"Viscous like maple syrup, yet clear...EWWW!"
-making an accidental discovery under the bar

"The terrier does not require duct tape."
(a very long story involving Cheetos and masturbation)

"That Hachiroku is a monster!"
-showing us how to speak Japanese

THOMAS: I'm a barfly
SEAN: Well, then I should swat you.

"Anyone who likes NASCAR is probably into watersports too."

"Am I attractive now? I have vomit on my shoulder."

"Your head is Yoda but your heart is Darth Sidious. You can't win. Your only defense is your lightsaber."
-explaining relationships

"It's tasty, but it's sticky."
(does it help to say he's talking about lizard fuel?)

"My tongue's too short--I have to use my finger."
-Sean, drinking a jello shooter, honestly!

"If you drop toast and it always lands butter side down, and you drop a cat and it always lands on it's feet, what happens if you butter a cat?"
-dazzling us at the bar (for the answer to this and other challenging questions, see the anonymous page)

"Where have the days gone when I could just drop a few tabs of acid and stay on the dance floor for hours?"
 

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