Thoughts
from the House of Sketch
(aka
Shane/Jenin/Pinky
the Wonderslut)
I just heard someone sneeze on he bus I'm on and immediately thought
to my self "well, that's it, I'm going to need to kill my way off the
zombie bus....."
***
The ideas and language put forth in the song "Sexy Bitch" are
reprehensible
on about 19 different levels. BUT when it plays, my ass wants to get
it's
groove back.
"Just cos her pussy's dry and squeaking has nothing to do with the
microphone!"
JASON: The question is, how is Craig
walking?
SHANE: He's walking fine; <Mitch>
is
a sugar addict, not a sekrit top!
"If Mitchell thought he was hot, he must have been superficially hot!"
"Brian, where are you going to find a hooker as cheap as you? You can't hire yourself!"
"Oh, change off of the nightstand--how appropriate."
"Don't look at me, lady--there's still a minute and a half left."
"There's so many things I could say right now, but I'm just going to intelligently stick to the protocol."
"Ain't nuthin' better than a 'rufi-rita'."
-on having cocktails with friends...
"It's Kim Possible and her Amazing Singing Diaphragm."
"If the hooker drops the wallet, isn't it free?"
-on the GBLUR number at the Owl show
"What, are you Beyonce now?"
-to Sherry at brunch
"Kim, do you need a helmet today?"
"Just one more..."
-on eating bacon
"He's just projecting."
-on Dor's claim that Sandburg's a top
"Let's hear it for 'Twink 182'! Sorry, I can't claim that line--I outsourced for that joke."
"I need to have a smoke and if she's still here when I'm done I will slap her."
"I felt dirty as soon as your plane landed."
-to Sammy, visiting for a holiday
SHANE: Do we have cocktail tables?
ABBY: ooh, do we need one for a cocktail?
SHANE: you hardly even need a glass for
a cocktail.
"Sorry, testicular difficulties."
"I'm still speechless thinking of Yada's box."
"It's apparently a crotch-centric show."
TREY: And now we come to the next
portion
of our bible study....
SHANE: I want a copy of that
bible!
KIM: We'll sing when we're drunk.
SHANE: Oh, so in ten minutes?
"Did you hurt yourself, girl? oh, you pulled a boob!"
TYRA: You know, bacon doesn't taste any
different on the way up than on the way down.
SHANE: Oh, I see you've dated Justin
before.
"We've decided to blame it on Mitchell."
"Chugar, I need some Chooter Chuice...."
scary running gag
CHUCK: She tried to glue my eyes shut.
SHANE: She did glue your eyes shut!
"Ooh, you hooker up good!"
"Those are some sad puppies."
-On Jamie Fuctifino's bosom.
"I didn't say they were ugly, they're just unhappy."
-still focusing on Jamie's boobs
"I was bored, so I thought I'd come down and see the show."
(enjoying the Saturday night Sketch-Fest)
"We've got Michele bartending in the lounge--ask her for things on the high shelves, cos it's funny."
GREG: My tomatoes
are getting big and I don't want them to freeze.
SHANE: I hope
that's
not a metaphor.
GERRARD: I feel
like
I'm reverting back to kindergarten days.
SHANE: Was that
in the big group cave where everyone went to school?
"Glen? That's boring. I think I'll call you Betina."
"I get the pity wipes."
"I'm excited for you, but I'm also excited because your gift benefits me."
"I smoked your pot, now go away."
"You are bookended by evil..."
"That would be you and your ta-mammals--I knew
what I was saying when I said 'ta-mammals'!"
(another beer, anyone?)
PAUL: Walk a
mile
in my shoes.
SHANE: I couldn't
walk down stairs in your shoes.
"Okay, but if you bring out the bunny ears, you are so the bottom!"
"How do you not fall down more?"
"...my child-bride boyfriend didn't know what HAL2000 was!"
"Two words: Buh-rutal!"
STRANGE LADY: (watching Shane's
birthday
sparklers) Blow them out!
SHANE: Honey, I know I blow good, but
I don't know if I blow 'sparkler' good!
(more birthday hi-jinx)
"He's big, strong and dumb, we gotta be able to use that kinda talent somewhere right?"
"Goddamit I wanna Call My Perfume "GLOW" Too!!"
-on being S-Pu, the Funky Master of Disaster
"He just says 'Fred Savage' at random."
"Good. Sorry, but that's all I have for you. Good."
"That's a 'One Hour Martinizing' I just don't want to see."
"If he's str8, he should stop making out with the fat guy from Moose Jaw."
THOM: I wear mine right over my nipple
so I get a shock when it's wet.
SHANE: That mean's you're lactating,
hon--that's
not good.
"My rap star name is S-PU?!"
"You once said you wanted to fuck a monkey made out of cheese!"
CHASER: Brian's cute.
SHANE: (to Brian) See, I told you you
were getting fat!
(When Chubby Chasers Attack, on the Fox
Network)
(Shane goes to setup mic for New Years
Countdown
at 11:55)
Girl on Speaker: Oooo, are we doing
karaoke?
Shane: Uhhhh, no you stunned c**t, it's
New Years and I'm doing the countdown.
Girl On SPeaker: Oooo, *insert insipid
girl giggle here*
Shane: Go take a nother tab of E and shut
the hell up. Thanks.
BRIAN: Maybe I'll be a massage
therapist.
SHANE: But you can't just lay there for
a massage, Brian.
(watching a massage therapy school infomercial)
"I wonder if that girl is using her forehead to signal space, or if she's just out of powder."
"Someone should tell that lady that "Sleepless in Seattle" wants their wig back."
DEEDZ: Well, I can be Wonder Woman 'cos
I'm older.
SHANE: I said Wonder Woman, not Wonder
Crone!
"She was last seen in Ft. Lauderdale on Spring Break....you know: "Wild On Nuns"...they lift up the black part and just show the white part."
"We all have our hurdles--mine are wit and charm."
"Shelves and appliances and--what the hell is in my eye?!"
TIM: (to bartender) Are you wearing a
belt?
BARTENDER: Maybe.
TIM: Puff dared me five dollars to pull
out your drawstring.
BARTENDER: Guess where it is.
SHANE: AAAAAAAHH! Wrong string!
"it's not rape if they don't remember."
"Bruce was showing us his man-boobs last night; it was fabulous!"
DANIEL: Tell me I'm pretty!
CHUCK: No!
SHANE: Nice--even the blind guy won't
say it.
"Don't make me run with scissors at you!"
"Make the stupid people shut up!"
"Hold her down, I'll kick her in the box...I'm willing to sacrifice a pair of shoes."
DANIEL: I don't know what's in that
magic
box.
SHANE: How many times has that been heard
this weekend?
"You just bought my therapist a new car!"
"Ew! He just called me Big Daddy!"
"He told me he chose the appropriate food for puking tonight."
"Did the word 'sweatlodge' come to anyone else?"
"I just stuck out my pinkie finger to drink champagne!"
(and we thought he couldn't get gayer!)
"We've decided my mom is the Anti-Mary."
"They get four stars in the Lion Guide...you know that's goin' on a webpage somewhere!"
"Fat free, calorie free, carb free--would a nun lie?"
"If you guys didn't drink so much you could buy your own lighter."
"Just because the tube says 'toothpaste' doesn't mean you only have to brush one..."
"You gotta stop buying stuff at GapKids..."
"This dress lifts right up."
(convenient)
"That means go home and eat a pie you skinny whore!"
-to Curt
DEEDZ: Anne's going down, and not in
that
good way
SHANE: With Anne, there is no good way!
"Shooters are the bane of my existence."
"And HILDY! That stunned cunt..."
(don't hold back, honey, tell us how you
really
feel...)
THOMAS: Shane,
you're
a pig!
SHANE: Yeah, I'm
a pig...so what?
TIM: She's probably drunk under a
bridge
SHANE: I thought she wasn't working
tonight
"Mr. Clean's still in therapy, and Pine Sol's threatening litigation."
"Thank you...and I hate you all."
"If I sit on you, and you disappear, you were anorexic."
"Michele T. in "Straight Men I Have Dated"--that movie is 47 seconds long!"
"I just hate it, I mean we make fun of people that act like this"
"Well, it was Episode I Monopoly, so we took a ride on Sebulbas
podracer."
-don't ask...
CURT: You never call anymore.
SHANE: Yeah, your IQ isn't big enough
"Honey, this is from Old Navy; I will so kick your ass."
"Are you making a training video for NAMBLA?"
THOMAS: I'm probably the smallest one
here(talking
about weight)
SHANE: Well we'll just all keep our pants
on and not know for sure. (not talking about
weight)
"Now *that's* the ultimate pork and beans!"
-on Thom and Deedz wrestling in baked beans
"Old white men are funny."
"Drunk!Sean is my favorite!"
"He said, 'how am I going to meet the band?' and I said, 'Well, first you can suck my dick,' and then we called Security to throw his ass out!"
"Uh, I'm talking!"
"I can't give you specifics, but I'm really, really good."
"I'll take the smell of sweaty tranny cock over Thom's breath anyday!"
"He knows how to work an envelope?"
"I got Pete to do it cos I'm pretty photo-apathetic"
-on taking pictures
"___ was doing her make-up earlier, and now she looks like a paint-by-number whore."
"Mary-ann, how'd you get off the island?"
(to Wenda)
TRIXIE: Are you
drunk
enough yet?
SHANE: No, you're
still not attractive!
DEEDZ: (talking about __'s jeans) I
wonder
if those are stretch denim.
SHANE: Well, if they weren't, they are
now!
THOMAS: It'll make an impression
(talking
about his outfit)
SHANE: They usually call it psychological
scars, but 'impression' will do.
"It's Pagliacci, the sad, sad clown!"
-if you'd seen Gerrard last Saturday, you'd
understand....
"That board is broken. We need a new board!"
"I'm all about deckster!"
"Bunny ears on sale, 3.99. Looking like the Easter Bunny on crack,
priceless."
(on Trixie's Entertainer of the Year number)
"Has anyone told you that kilt is my favorite flavor?"
(sober for once)
"Oh! See, now that's pleasant..."
"This is our guest host, Pikachu, star of "Pokemon XIV--Who Gives A Crap"
"How did you make that connection, Spock?"
-on Sean's NASCAR comment
"It's John Forsythe in a beaded gown--look out!"
"Mary, I don't mean to be negative, but..."
-playing therapist
"Oh my God, ___ is taking off his shirt. Look at all that sexy baby
fat. It's hot!!"
-exploring his sensitive side
DANNY: If every woman tasted like
vodka,
I'd be straight.
SHANE: I'd
have a wife and four kids already!
KATHLEEN: I have a blind woman
stalking
me--what should I do?
SHANE: Um...be really really quiet?
"Bambi on crack, maybe..."
-when told that Derrick looked like a deer
"I don't do brown."
-on multiculturalism
"MARLO: If
I had one of those, I'd still have big tits.
SHANE: Or your back would explode
-discussing cinchers
"If ugly is making it with uglier, do they cancel each other out?...sadly, no..."
"Hey, ___ is here. Now if ___ and ___ show up, we'll have the complete set of "Crazy Hummel" figurines."
"That would be the Franklin Mint Crazy collection."
"No, they couldn't crucify both hands--I had a
cigarette in this one."
-explaining his Nintendo lesion
ANONYMOUS: It works better if everyone
in the relationship is gay.
SHANE: Then you and ___ will be together
forever.
"I suppose it would help if I started charging."
-on his lack of success as a whore
You were like...the soccer mom...who drinks..."
-describing Trixie
"Owen is smoking for him, and plugging him in once in a while."
-on Cameron's Halloween costume
"I want gay. I want disco. I want top 40 remixes!"
-explaining gay music to the new DJ
"That's different--that's a monsyllabic 'gay' grunt."
-explaining the difference between "meh" and
"eh"
"I *am* the drink fairy! Hello!"
"If you bun your nub or nub your bun, don't nub your bun, 'cos
nobody
likes a bunned nubbin, but everyone loves a nubbed bunnin--but don't
chafe
your nub cause no ones likes a chafed bun. A chafed bun and a rubbin
nub
should never be bunned or nubbed together cause no one likes a chafing
bunnin."
this nonsense was created by Chyna and Yada,
but Shane definitely made it his own! It changes all the time, and you
can try it for yourself at home!
"She has X-Files, I have Pokemon, but you have a sickness..."
"I think I have a paper cut from your razor wit!"
"Sister Mary Clarence, get that thing outta my dress!"
"Big fat liarhead!"
"I'm exhausted! I was painting all day!...yesterday."
"I have ISSUES!"
"Hi. I love you. I'll talk to you--I didn't talk to you--see you tomorrow."
JASON: We only have big and tall stuff
SHANE: Which is amazing, since I'm big
and tall!
MARLON: "They're probably waiting for
Mirtha
SHANE: "Why, are they going to wrestle
cattle?"
(it only really makes sense if you realize
that there were lesbians dressed inexplicably as cowboys that night)
"Her ass is so big, when she sits down she's three inches taller."
"I get by; I don't fall down too often."
"Look at me, so not paying attention."
NEWS REPORTER: She survived a stroke
but
now who cares--*click*
SHANE: (channel surfing) Well, certainly
not me.
BARKLEY:
We have dead people in our house.
SHANE: And
then there are the ghosts.
"Your
girlfriend
isn't here to protect you--I'm not afraid of you any more!"
-to Jason
TRIXIE:
Where's my drink, you whore?
TRIXIE'S TWINK:
Do you know how poor I am?
SHANE: No,
but we know how sad you are.
"I'm shy."
GODDESS
MICHELE:
Wow,
that was fast
SHANE:
You have a small hard drive.
(not as
sexy as it sounds)
"You have the ability to terrify me and make me laugh, all at the same time."
"Quit it!
Stop
that!"
(not
enjoying
the interactive version of Puff The Magic Dragon)
"I was
walking
to work today, and I couldn't figure out why my legs were sore!"
(give ya
a hint :})
SHANE: (spilling
water on the goddess)Oh, look, I got
you
wet
GODDESS
MICHELE:
I faked it.
RYAN: I'm
much less interesting when I'm drunk
SHANE:
Well, you're still pretty to look at.
(more
mocktacular
than it sounds)
"If you
don't
know who I am, then you don't matter either."
-hospitable
bartender
"What are you doing giving my mother a perm?"
"Oh, by the
way, I didn't lose my lighter--apparently it was in my purse."
being butch
"I'm severely medicated."
"I'm just funny, dammit. I'm just funny."
"Gotta love his naivety..."
"I'm not
proud--I'd
dig for firemen."
(going
to hell)
SHANE:
I'm having a cigarette.
ANDREA:
I'm stating the obvious.
"Oh, honey,
you need to have a homosexual there."
(crucial
advice for home estheticians)
"OH MY GOD
YOU'RE HURTING MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! woof."
(was it
something I said?)
"I couldn't get up, and he couldn't talk--let's leave it at that."
"He's on that short list of four people who've dated Rae St. Claire--it's in a medical journal somewhere in the states."
"You have not even been to the capitol of Sad!"
"You are Saddy McSad, the mayor of Saddyville."
(You'd think he'd know better than to try
and talk to drunken lesbians...)
TRIXIE: "I
didn't know how entertaining Wheat Thins could be."
SHANE: "Well,
you're as dumb as a box of crackers, and you're pretty entertaining."
"Okay, you know what? If we're going to be talking about sex, only one of you can be in the room."
"You were awfully cuddly last night."
"I'd like
to
be able to read my watch without thinking about it."
(good thing
she's pretty)
"Fabulousity is the measure of the speed of fabulousness at which you travel."
"My life is all about rancid clam."
"It's all about boots and booty."
"That is a great big steaming pile of wrong."
"Just call me French, because I can-can...and will-will."
(the clothes do make the man)
"I must have covered the little mouth hole with my hand."
(that's his answer for everything)
"Don't I know you from somewhere?"
engaging in some tranny-humour intercourse
"Don't touch me there, it makes me feel dirty-wait-okay, touch me
there."
(playing hard to get)
"I drooled a lot but I didn't bleed."
(Maybe talking about getting his tongue
pierced,
maybe not)
"You know something that little and cute can't be good."
"Oh yes, this is the movie that catapulted him into mediocrity."
"Why, are you going to do something stupid over there next?"
after Trixie told us to "look over
there."
"I knew the moment I walked into that
restaurant
that it was going to be my night, but I was sure when I saw this rather
handsome man sitting all alone at a table for two. The moon had come
through
the skylights and framed him
before I made it to the bar, but I thought 'Why
would /he/ be here alone, he must be waiting.....' as I sat to order my
drink. He seemed exotic, another country perhaps?
When he sauntered my way my heart jumped, he
was graceful and moved like liquid, but was he coming....this
way.....yes
The rest of the night became a blur the moment
we stepped out onto that moon drenched floor, but truthfully, I don't
care.......
Because he said he would see me tomorrow"
having a schmoopy moment.