Announcer: Confused? You won't be after this episode of "Soap"!
Danny: Women can't be gay. Because if men were gay and women were gay they'd cancel each other out.
Jodie Dallas: Plato was gay.
Jessica Gatling Tate: Mickey Mouse's dog
was gay?
Jodie Dallas: Goofy was his lover.
Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: I have one son who's about to become my daughter, another son whom people are trying to kill, I have a lunatic stepson and a dummy living in my home and a husband who won't make love to me. That's not life, that's something by Tennessee Williams!
Jessica Gatling Tate: That's right. Our
brother who fathered an illegitimate child with a Swedish maid and then
disappeared into the wilds of Ecuador. Don't you find that a little strange?
Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: Jessie,
Randolph was strange. Any man who goes to Ecuador to sell wall-to-wall
carpet is not all there.
The Major: Let's synchronize our watches. It's now... 3-ish.
Ingrid Svenson: You think I'm finished?
Jessica Gatling Tate: No, Swedish.
Jessica Gatling Tate: I hope you realise I'm holding you personally responsible for any and all damages done to these premises! (To Chester) Except of course for the spoon that got caught in the garbage disposal. I don't think I can blame him for that.
Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: Burt can't
have sex with me.
Burt: Great. Why don't you tell the whole
world, Mary. Or better still put it in the Yellow Pages under Burt.
Mary Campbell: You mean, you're in love
with a hooker you haven't even... hooked?
Danny: You'd love Gwen. Everybody does.
Mary Campbell: That's the problem!
Burt: [about the
alien who will be impersonating him] Is he - is he gonna sleep
with my wife?
Chief Alien Creature: Of course. Why do
you think he's jumping up and down? He has not had sex for two hundred
years!
Leslie Walker: You're 18. You're a man. I am no longer bound by any legal or moral code. I can safely give you your present, and tonight, I'm gonna light up every candle on your cake.