Dedication: For Michele

ONE OF US

Lying back against the soft comforter of his bed, Alex
had moved from his position in the window seat to
stare forlornly up at his bedroom ceiling. His heart
felt heavy in his chest. He simply could not stop
thinking about his sweet Fox and the mistakes he'd
made.

From somewhere in the distance, he could make out the
strumming of mandolins in the Italian restuarant he
and Fox used to enjoy on Friday nights. A roll of
thunder made his skin tingle, remembering how his 
lover used to cuddle up beside him.

Yes, Alex Krycek had really screwed things up -- big
time! That one great romance had passed him by, thanks
to the machinations of one CSM Spender. It made Alex
weep freely at all the pain he'd caused. All of his
chances robbed in the blink of an eye.

Glancing over, he picked up the framed photograph of
Fox and himself taken on a beautiful sandy beach last
summer. Fresh crystal tears rolled down his cheeks and
the frame slipped from his fingers.

He sighed heavily, holding a body pillow tight to his
chest. Closing his eyes, he tried to invisage Mulder
pressing his warmth against him. His instructions had
been clear... All he had to do was keep Mulder from
the truth. Of course, nothing is ever that easy. And
one lie led to another. Like the snapping of fingers,
he'd dealt the killing blow and their relationship had
ended.

How could he have done it?

Why did he do it?

The one person he had ever loved had to go.

If only there was some way he could show him, to
convince him that things were different. Just to let
him know...

Once more he stared up at the stark white ceiling,
just wishing he were somewhere else instead. A wave of
loneliness rained down again and he gripped the
feathery softness of the pillow tighter.

His eyes fluttered open as a persistent knocking
invaded his heartbroken thoughts. Who could that be?
Especially at this time of night.

Wiping his eyes, Alex sat up. Another round of knocks
and a crisp voice from the other side of the door
called, "Alex, sweetie. I know you're in there. You
can vegetate from now 'til Christmas, but it will just
make me miss you more. Now you don't want that on your
conscience do you?"

Despite his melancholy, a half smile crept across his
face. Miranda. The only friend he had left in the
world. He stood and answered the door before she could
batter it down.

"Well," she said smartly. "It's about time."

With that, she bounded into the room. Hands on hips,
Miranda's azure eyes read him like a book. "Do I have
to guess?"

He shook his head. Instantly, she took him by the hand
and lead him over to a sofa.

"Alex, it's been over a month now. I know you're holed
up in here waiting for a call."

He exhaled and turned a pair of very sad eyes to his
friend. "I can't help it, Miranda. I just feel so
stupid and small for hurting Fox."

"Nope, we're not having this, mister!" She jumped to
her feet and pulled him up with her. "You're not going
to feel sorry for yourself any longer!"

"But," he started to protest.

"No buts," she told him matter of factly. "And you're
keeping your rather exquisite one concealed in this
apartment away from all the action!"

Miranda knew she had to be firm. She loved being
Alex's fag hag, and she adored him to death. It broke
her own heart when Fox left and her dear Russian had
been grieving ever since. He could be like a child
sometimes, so stubborn. But logic and reason went out
the window when you mix love and Fox Mulder together.

She brushed a strand of silky, dark hair from his
eyes. "Honey, if you want Fox back, go to him and show
him how much you've changed."

"I don't know if I can," he replied.

Miranda shrugged. "Ok, you can either A. Waste your
life away in this room. B. Go to Fox and tell that
gorgeous lunatic how much you still love him. Or C.
Get your butt out there and find someone new!"

"If I do see Fox again -- and I'm not saying I will --
what do I say? That one of us has been crying every
single day? How lonely I've been without him? How I've
changed while my heart was breaking?"

"Sugar, just say what's in your heart. Who knows?
Maybe he also wishes he'd never left at all?" She
hugged him, then added, "You'll never know unless you
try."

Alex walked over and stared out into the night again.
The rain had stopped and a big, full moon appeared to
light up the empty street below. It seemed to beckon
to him to rejoin the land of the living.

Maybe he could do it... maybe he could win Fox back.

"You're right," he said, full of renewed vigor. He
turned to Miranda and grinned.

"Of course, I am." She smiled back.

===== The Lyrics =====

One Of Us
(B. Andersson, B. Ulvaeus)
taken from "The Visitors"

They passed me by
All of those great romances
You were, I felt
Robbing me
Of my rightful chances
My picture clear
Everything seemed so easy
And so I dealt you the blow
One of us had to go
Now it's different
I want you to know

One of us is crying
One of us is lying
In her lonely bed
Staring at the ceiling
Wishing she was somewhere else instead

(One of us is changing, while our hearts are breaking)

One of us is lonely
One of us is only
Waiting for a call
Sorry for herself
Feeling stupid, feeling small
Wishing she had never left at all

I saw myself
As a concealed attraction
I felt you kept me away
From the heat and the action
Just like a child
Stubborn and misconceiving
That's how I started the show
One of us had to go
Now I've changed and I want you to know

One of us is crying
One of us is lying
In her lonely bed
Staring at the ceiling
Wishing she was somewhere else instead

(One of us is changing, while our hearts are breaking)

One of us is lonely
One of us is only
Waiting for a call
Sorry for herself
Feeling stupid, feeling small
Wishing she had never left at all
Never left at all
Staring at the ceiling
Wishing she was somewhere else instead

(One of us is changing, while our hearts are breaking)

One of us is lonely
One of us is only
Waiting for a call
Sorry for herself
Feeling stupid, feeling small...

© 1981 Polar Music International AB