The World According To Trixie Pan Am

You don't realise how many products it takes to get you going in the morning until you share a room with her... her products are soap... sometimes.

XXXX

Potatoes piss me off one minute they are boiling over there next they are sitting the in the put doing nothing! OMG I may be married to a potato!

Great soup date with Lorne Stelmach and Dale Newby! Unfortunately he took us to the only restaurant in Saskatoon that doesn't have soup! So we had a soupless soup date maybe he thinks I look like I've been eating too much soup!

Shhhhhhhhh..... Mommy's head hurts!

Sleep is like a lot of other things it feels the best when you aren't supposed to be doing it!

If you are coming to the salon so you can feel superior to someone find another salon I have my own finely honed and refined superiority complex!

Just when you think you are having a boring afternoon the fat girl throws herself out the window!

"A drag virgin just won a straight iron--how does that work?"

"She's gonna be sitting on that later."

"Those were some fucking annoying grapes I'll goddamn tell ya!"

"If she wasn't a midget, I'd totally want to borrow that dress."

"It's....mmm....interesting....PEN!" (discovering her own quotability)

"And that's why she's a better performer than me--I won't crawl."

It's a creamcheese diet. I eat all of the creamcheese and then you look thinner!

Anne's so drunk she's forgotten how to talk!

We should do this as a fundraiser: Mops For Jesus!

Sleep lightly tonight, bitch, 'cos I really like that dress.

"Where'd that bitch go? I have to buy her a cocktail cos I'm evil."

"Be honest--how do I look? It's the seven minute makeover."

"Well, now that we've all had a little hoe-down...."

Well have fun and remember if you start dating someone just say they are your cousin or everyone will look at you like you're uppiddy!

"I don't care if you show up in a thong, as long as you have lashes and nails."
(to Breyanna)

"I said no!" (it'll all make sense in a year)

"I didn't have eyelash glue so I used nail glue--what? He's already blind!"

"You're not blind, so don't worry."
(reassuring Trey)

"I think she wears my dress better than I do. She's got a great bum for it. And how wrong is that?"

"1-900-BIG-COCK....1-900-OLD-ROLL..."
(when asked for her phone number)

"This is "nice" me--let's just roll with it."

"I could facilitate a lovely bathroom party in my day."

"No new shoes! my husband said. I'm not allowed to buy anymore shoes. So I'm going out tomorrow to buy a new dress."

"Good thing we're not in my salon."

"You don't like me? Well, everyone here likes me, so work through it!"

"He needs to remind me why he hates me."

"My dog is having a seabreeze."

"I'm making a roast, because I'm a bitch."

"She's got a real 'dance for Grandma' clap, doesn't she?"

"Then Roxy and I had drag queen camping--just pull over and lock the doors."

"I was trying to make it over to you and all of a sudden I was at the bar."

"Is this the lesbian barbeque? Cos I feel like a box lunch."

"Time to do some fur trading--did everyone bring their canoe?"
-on auctioning off lesbians for charity

"She can push things out of her uterus--that's how she can be so energetic."

"I was down and out for three and a half hours today."

"Yay, it's Trannie Lennox."

"I'm gonna get off ya, so you can work."

"Fuck me, slap me, call me Michele."

"He will have a draught and...chlamydia!"
-ordering one of her drinks...with a twist

"You wear six pairs of pantyhose and then tell me how hard you can blow."

"It's hard to do the speed limit in six inch heels!"

"Girl had no teefuses, was smelling like puke, and he put it in her bum anyway!"

"It was Jesus, now it's lunch."
-on bread during Nunsense, dinner theater.

"Break this!"
-bread during Nunsense

"But I'm a retarded drunk, and you don't hate me, right?"

"I'm a catcher in the rye."

"No one can butcher Whitney (Houston) in bunny ears like I can."

"Who put that collar on that cat? Everyone knows that Siamese can't do pink!"

"Sodomy and clown shoes just doesn't work..."

"I tried to buy you a drink, but it ended up in my glass."

"What was his name? Damien, or Stupid, or something..."

"Show me your stuff."

"She's like Cheezy McTack!"

"If I break it, it will ruin the intrigue..."
-See Boris's comment on beer bottle sex...

"Just cos I don't wanna lick your stuff doesn't mean I don't love you."

"I have habits older than you!"

"I'm the pooh--take a whiff!"

"When it's purely decorative, you may as well dip it in sequins..."

"Spray it with glitter and mark it up a dollar."
-words to live by

"Nectar of the Maudes--Bea Arthur could chuck 'er!"

"No teefuses...no edumacation..."
-on meeting a trick in a bar in Washington

"He's got little crow's feet...like a whole flock stomped across there!"

"Bling! Bling! I'm going to hell!"

"___ was telling me about getting crucified the other day! Oh my God--he is so going to hell for that comment. But getting crucified would totally suck, first they nail you to a cross which is like the worst manicure you could ever get, and then you have to buy your own drinks!"

"MMMMhhhhhmmmmm"

"It's three in the morning, you've had a few too many Jack 'n Cokes, and you gots to be havin' a weiner."

"Honey, I'm a drag queen--I can't let my parents know I play hockey!"

"I have Command Start--___, go start my car!"

"Crack mommy another Bud...and you best be rollin me some cigamarettes back there..."
-being the soccer mom of Shane's dreams...

"I'm glad booze can't phone when it leaves."

"I was going to comment on that (Trixie Speed Diva's booze absorbing power), but I had to take a drink of my beer."
art imitating life imitating art...

"If I sing this ways, they says I's too white, and if I sings this way, it's too black.  Girl, I can't win!"
-doing her impersonation of Whitney Houston

"Oh, my God, she's so J-Lo rent!"

"Gluing my nail to my hair was definitely the highlight of the evening."

"I am not buying my clothes from SpongeBob Squarepants!"

"It's headboard hair!"
-on her Pat Benatar on crack wig last night

"I'm not sleeping with you in drag...hello! My hair's nasty!"

"So, I hate it that they all think I'm stuck up just because I know I'm better than them."

"HoneyIloveyougirl."
(apparently it is a word)

"I really should stop asking her how she is, 'cos she always tells me."

"Don't make me kung fu your ass, Mary...OW! I think I pulled something!"

"Feeling's gone, can't go on, Trixie Pan Am sees a tragedy!"

"My hair certainly has...it's much lower now...very casual..."
(when told that her makeup hadn't moved all night)

"So I go to the street dance in Battleford and get so drunk that I wind up sleeping in my car in the parking lot at work. I know, you love it, I'm so low rent!"

"I had a designated driver but he became a desicated driver."

"I try not to ask too many questions because i like to use my mouth for the consumption of booze!"

"Then I went to Docker's the next friday, it's the only sort of clubby dance bar here, it sort of looks like someone stole a pier,
put some speakers on it and then couldn't find a gay man to hang to pictures around it--like who decorates with chaink link?"

"I had to put on some heels, I was going into withdrawl and my pours were starting to unclog so I figured it was time for a foundation intervention."

"However they are all high maintanance and sketchy so i don't feel sorry enough for them to actually have any association. I'm sensitive not the Messiah! Not that I'm apposed to a second cumming of sorts."

"I miss you all so much!Well not all of you. Most of you. Well some of you. Well okay a couple of you. Okay so I've drank so much JD while I've been home that I only have a faint recollection of ever living in Regina but if I did remember I'm sure I would miss someone!"

"I wonder if yamfries taste as good going in the other end."

"...and a rye and coke."
-saying goodbye

"Do I look like a white trash baby? Stop shaking me!"

"Oh, I've got a phone number here. I'm such a whore. Actually I'm such a non-whore, cos I never phone them."

"...but not in that good 'long and hurtie' way."
-talking about work

"Honey, I can't go back in the closet, there's no room for my shoes!"

"Just because you only pee in one corner of the room does not mean you are housebroken!"
-to Barkley

"Your toilet's not working? Call a plumber. We'll see you next week."
-The Trixie Pan Am Home Show

"I'm trying to remember if this is the first time I've been sober in this house, or if this is the first time I've been sober."

"If you're going to play night in shining armour, ___, forget it! I had a knight in shining armour show up once--he pissed me off so I shot his horse!"

"If ___ was on her deathbed, and the only thing between her and certain death was a compliment, she'd flatline...it's Old Drag Queen Syndrome."
-Dr. Trixie

"We must do somebody to rectify this situation!"
(lamenting an empty glass)

"Well, then, stick your head in it."
-general insult, first inspired by Nada saying the grenadine in her drink was burning a hole in her stomach

"'You helped me decide things-I'm straight now!'-That's a new one on me!"
-same trick, different night

"Shooters, girl, we need shooters..."
-doing her Stephanie Lane-Barr imitation

"Pizza and off-sale at Michele's house!"

"Trixie Pan Am will swoop in and take you down a notch."

"He's gayer than pink ink."

"Trixie Pan Am is more drunk than she's ever been and she's not so beautiful."

"Oh, well, I just broke my first law-fun fun!"

"Troymetzpourmeavodka!"
(yes, it is all one word)

"Just because no one's house is on fire doesn't mean you get rid of the fire department."

"She's sitting on the couch when all of a sudden--UH! Baby Jesus on the window!"

"I don't care who you are, three arms is a fashion faux pas."
-Krycek humour

"I'm sensitive."

"...but some fat dumpy guy says "I use sex toys" and it's, like, well duh!"
-showing us how sensitive she is

"Okay, apparently that wasn't funny at all."

"Iona Fork..."
-mispronouncing Whipp

"You know the party's over when Trixie's hanging from the green rock."

"You know the party's over when everyone's covered in cum."

"I'm making you coffee."
(secret Trixie code for "I haven't been to bed yet")

"___ is a top because he's too chicken to take it like a trooper..."

"It's all about my fabulousity!"

"I am putting on a benefit...a benefit for Shane's (insert adjective here) tiny penis... listen...you can't see it, but if you could hear it, it would be saying "I am Shane's (insert adjective here) tiny penis.""

"I'm here to nurse you back to health-make me some coffee."
(trixie nightengale)

"We lose more princes that way..."

"I will crush you like so many ice cubes in so many margueritas!"

"GRUNT... I'm a virgin!"

"If I move my face around enough the cigarette will just fall into my mouth."

"So I was out spreading a little fabulousity today..."

"I think we're a match made in heaven ;we have so much in common--he wears tight wranglers, I like boys with big packages who wear tight wranglers... how can he go wrong?"

"Chug it before I get the funnel."
-how to show your friend a good time on his birthday

"Do I need to be here for anything else, or do you just shoot and go?"
-working with the firemen

Sorry I won't be able to commemorate the fact that you're getting old, your bones are brittling, your midsection is expanding, your ass is falling and you just don't catch on to things quite like you used to but i have to work on Thursday... sorry honey. But don't worry I'll be in the office bejewelling a walker just for you!
-in response to Boris's birthday invitation

"She's so wide you could turn a truck around inside her and not get the mirrors wet!"

"We were Kegelling together when I jumped right inside and started doing sit-ups!

"I am Trixie Pan Am! I depend on nothing and nobody! Now get me a cigarette and a drink and someone come help me pee!"
-independent and proud of it

"You can pack fudge anyday, but you can only eat with me on Saturday."

Personally my ideal man is a sketchy francophone who thinks he's a mob boss yet has milk crate end tables and wears the same shirt all the time. Maybe he works in the mailroom but has Godfather asperations. Everyone starts at the bottom you know.

"Stretch my hoop and go!"
-giving dating advice

"I think you've said it all..."
-Trixie Pan Am, spokesmodel

"I feel like I'm working in a warehouse, there's so many boxes in here!"
-Trixie Pan Am, bar manager

"I am an adjective to them now-that's so Trixie"

"The first step is admitting you have a problem.
The next is having a drink and dealing with it-it's an ongoing process."
-every Saturday night

"I don't scream gay, I just hum a few bars then burst into song!"

"If you don't like it, why don't you just go home-oh, sorry."
- working in the soup kitchen

TRIXIE: They're slutty librarian glasses
BARKLEY: Slutty librarian?
TRIXIE: Well, the glasses are librarian. It's the rest of him that completes the ensemble.
(talking about Boris, cos the goddess said his glasses were hot)

TRIXIE: I have to pee.
SHANE: Thanks for sharing.
TRIXIE: No, sharing would be if I brought you a cup.

THOMAS: Ah, bad accounting humour...
TRIXIE: Must be New Year's!

Trixie: I love this alcohol!
 Michele: What, gin?
Trixie: No, glassfullof...

WAITRESS:(to Thomas)All I heard was 'big one' and 'coke'.
TRIXIE: You're lucky she didn't bring you a high porn star!

JASON: What are those? (about the lemon and coconut dessert bars)
TRIXIE: Dish detergent and flour.

RANDOM STR8 GIRL: (to Roxy) Is that a real corset?
TRIXIE: If you had seen her earlier, you'd know that's a real corset!

THOMAS: It's all my testosterone!
SHANE: Testosterone??!
TRIXIE: Yes. He had it injected into his bum!

THOMAS: Aw, isn't that romantic? They're holding hands.
TRIXIE: Yeah, makes me want to barf...on Ethan!

TRIXIE: I want one! (talking about dwarf babies)
GRANT: You could keep it in your purse at shows!

TRIXIE: You said you were a lot bigger than you are
TRICK: Well of course I did!

TROY METZ: People like me don't sleep with people like that!
TRIXIE PAN AM: No Troy people like ME don't sleep with people like that! People like YOU keep people like that hidden in condos on the east river and people like me gossip about it at Monday brunch!

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