TYSON/TYRA
(quick, tuck and roll!)


Dear 18 hours in drag, You put up a good fight. My feet look like loaves of bread, my face like the grease trap at McDonalds, my taint feels like someone used it to light a whole package of strike-anywhere matches, and even my tits hurt. But I took you down and made you my bitch. Now that we've seen who came out on top of this little bout, let's agree to never ever ever ever get back together. K thanks bye.

Dear red velvet cupcake without cream cheese icing. I'm still trying to figure out what your purpose in this world is.

***

I would pity you, if I wasn't so busy imagining you on fire.
 
"I had a dream last night that I wrote a musical about going to West Edmonton Mall. One number was called Vienna Sausages and Ham. Clearly I'm a lyrical genius."

"The McDonald's on Portage and Sherbrook smells like stale cigarettes, dirty grease, and regret. And the very faint smell of lube, poppers and shame from when Happenings shared the parking lot."
Apparently Russell is leaving Being Human. I only hope it's to join me in my new series, Being Homosexual.
"I should now be referred to as Hoggy McNancy. DeCosmo. You may have met my sister. Hoggy McSusan. DeCosmo."

"I will henceforth be an a three-way open relationship with baby corn and Cinnamon Toast Crunch."

"So just a request. If you should so happen to find yourself in England, either for work, or as a fan, I would be forever in your debt if you could hook me up with Russell Tovey. Thanks bunches, Tyson
PS. I'm not above you making flattering things up about me to get him over here. Cause really, once he crosses the ocean, he's hooked."

"well let's be honest...i was pretty effing funny at ms gay...and she's on my fb, there are always gems there so the deficiency seems to be on her end" 
(on getting quoted here)

I accidentally made my nuts and bolts with Honey Nut Cheerios. Sonofabitch.

I can offer only one tip to Vegas gamblers: the buffet ALWAYS pays out.

"Speaking of dog anti-biotics...."

"Jenny glues shit to other shit--are those Swiffers on your feet?"

That old woman is going to kill us. (a typical reaction to black sambuca)


I will have the Octomom omelette. 14 eggs, no sausage and the guy next to me will pay for it.

And just between you and me...how does him being 19 make her any less of a cougar?  She's old enough to be his great aunt.

"I didn't break your door, and I'm not paying for nothing."

"Brian, we're going to need another box of pizza.  Brian, we need another box.  Brian, I'm not fucking kidding we need another box!"
And then of course, moments later when said pizza box had arrived, and it's contents proved much tastier than the previous box,
"Ohhhh....that's nice."

"...if you're hanging out with drag queens, it's 3 AM and you hear your name called, guaranteed the next four words are going to be "Are we getting pizza?""

"Brian actually said very little.  Ok, Brian said nothing at all."

ABBIE: Zero times nothing is nothing
TYRA: You have to have at least ten times zero to make a profit.

If you are on the phone, don't be eating.  It's disgusting.  If you are so hungry that you cannot wait the five minutes, then wait to make the phone call.   If the need to make the phonecall is so pressing that you cannot wait to swallow, then wait to eat.  And if you find yourself needing to eat to sustain your energy to make that phone call....maybe you shouldn't be phoning people.  Go see a doctor...and see if he can look at you without a pained look when every syllable sounds like...eugh, I can't even go on.  Just trust me.
Tyson's tip for the day

Kelly Preston - Don't wear leopard print to the Oscars.  Are you new?  Did L. Ron tell you to wear that in some insipid past-life alien round table discussion?
-on Oscar fashions

I though it was a bobblhead in a flawless gown walking towards the podium...
-on Reese Witherspoon at the Oscars

I love ya, Meryl, and after last year, you looked like you were headed in the right direction.  But even after being nominated 14 times, you cannot show up at the Oscars in a nightgown, even if you do accessorize it with 32 necklaces.
-on Oscar fashions

I check your page periodically to keep abreast with the happenings in the ole Vag.  I don't think I can techically call what I posess a breast.  A manboob maybe.  So your page is the only breast I'm a keeping!

I notice that I'm nearing my own page!  Damn that Abbie for convincing you to file me under banter.  But, only three more to go. Which, incidentally is the amount of sandwiches short of a picnic China is.  Shocking that she only would have eaten three.....they must have padlocked the basket.  Nothing says picnic like red gingham, a padlock, and a hungry drag queen foaming at the mouth.

I recently discovered the Battlestar Galactica miniseries.  Hello Captain Apollo!  That man is fine with a capital "can I lick honey off that viper"?

Oh, who am I kidding, I'd punch anyone in the face for a quarter.  It's part of my charm.

The deciding factor was Todd getting his own page.  I'm way funnier than Todd.

I'll have more, I swear to god!  I'm funny dammit!

"Bum pushin' doesn't sound right!"

"If it burns going down, you know it's gonna burn coming back up."

"Oh, we can spoon!"
-setting the ground rules with Kim Potent

"That's Monday at seven, seven thirty in Newfoundland, and seven forty five in the handicapped washroom."

"You've got your brown hanky and your baby wipes."

Crystal (to Destiny):  What happened to your face?  It looks like you have a black eye, but it could just be make-up.
Tyra:  No Crystal, that's called a *lazy* eye....and NO amount of make-up can cover that up.

Destiny (to Tanya about her car): Do you really trust your top down in this neighborhood?
Tyra (to Destiny about her trick):  Well you obviously do.

TYRA: (to ABBIE) It rang about 18 times before you answered the phone!
TYRA'S ROOMATE: Maybe she was pooping.
TYRA: Do you know Abbie?

SHANE: I was like 'oh, this is gonna be a relatively tame number for Yada...and then her panties came out.
TYRA: They didn't come out, they were just trying to get away!
 
 

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