Whitneyisms

I try my hardest to mess with EVERYONE's heads.  It's kinda my thang.  That's right, my thang.

Eighty dollars for a coffee maker?!  Was it made out of diamonds?  Do diamonds make coffee taste better?

It's insane to do the same thing over and over and expect different results but I still wake up every day.

"I actually had to go comment on her dog/moving story since she hasn't updated since it.  I told her I'd make this sound until she updated:  eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... "
on  http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

As a child I imagined that quicksand would have been a more common obstacle in my adult life than it has turned out to be.

I'd have to say that  I would stop hanging out with anyone that actually got the power of nose-tentacles.  I'm just sayin'. 

Dammit.  Either I'm not right at all, or I'm right one hundred and crazy percent!

You can aspire to anything; take a poll of a first grade classroom and you'll get 18 kids aspiring to be astronauts, four aspiring to be policemen, two aspiring to be president and one special child aspiring to be a motorcycle.

I'm glad you get luggage and a carry-on.  Now as long as you try not to set your underwear on fire or anything, you should be ok!

Jason told me I couldn't call in sick with "LADIES POLIO" today.  Boo Jason

"She's like the chihuahua of people."

Y'all.  You all.  All of you.  Youse guys. The people to whom I am speaking.  Whatever..."Hey you guys!!!"  Aw, I haven't seen The Goonies in forever.  Also, I'm a little random today.

Nuts to this, I'm outta here!
(doing her President Obama impression)

"I'm Miss Congeniality--I'm not pretty, but I'm happy."

"This is the Miss Congeniality sash--I didn't win, but I'm nice about it."

Conversely, the Chambord does taste like worth it.

I'll turn this party right around, mister!

No, these are my holes--you're not allowed in them
???

I just dropped a mint down my shirt.  And I’m on the production floor, so I can't even get it!  Y’know, sometimes I’m so classy it hurts.

You know what you should be doing, is writing about B.  It’s a good letter.  Also, C.

ok, so that was awesome!  i'm sooo excited to see what's going to "B" next.  (lame.)  (god, so lame) (i can't believe that lameness was mine, and not Jason's.  I'm sorry)

"I'm attractive if you're an alcoholic!"

"They were still being healthy-ized--shut up it's a word!"

WHITNEY: That’s weird
MICHELE: (innocently enough)What’s weird?
WHITNEY: Your face; that’s what
-Whitney Peach, age 6

"W as in Whitney Petch. H as in Hitney Petch. I as in Itney Petch..."

"I...you."
(somebody forgot her verbs this morning)

No tequila.  You can get him drunk any other way you want, but stay away from the smelliness that is Jose Cuervo.
(yeah, cos it's just the smell that is an issue)

I hate you. I...hate...you...

OMG!!!  That's right, I was so impressed that I wrote in crappy internet slang.  Woot!!!

People everywhere have a sick sense of “let’s try this 8 month old beaver intestine that we’ve had sitting in a barrel buried 6 feet down this old sewage pit”.  Ick.  Also, why would anyone try that once?!  I get if someone had, in the past, tried something that made them throw up, and now think it’s funny to tell their friends, who of course are drunk, “No, go on.  It doesn’t taste as bad as it smells, honest,” whilst snickering gleefully to themselves.  But who was the FIRST person to decide, “That piece of rotten whitefish soaking in lye, well that looks positively nummy”?  WHO?!  I refuse to believe that anyone could be that poor or hungry.  I think I’d rather starve.  Or at least eat people.  For some odd reason, I don’t find the idea of chowing down on a fellow plane crash victim nearly as off-putting as taking a big old bite of P'tcha, which is explained thus: “Buy a cow's foot in a butcher shop, chop it up and cook for hours & hours in water with spices, garlic, salt, pepper, etc. It is a good idea to evacuate the house during cooking time to avoid the overwhelming smell. Then pour this mess into a large flat pan and refrigerate. It sets to a nice translucent grey jelly with a layer of fat on top.”

"What's a jigaboo? Is that like a porch monkey?"

Alll, mateys!
—her Chinese pirate impression

I'm making a little turn because I cannot make a big turn.

my tongue itches.  i'll be here. two great sentences, that look wierd together.

"Can you teabag someone by accident?"

"Now drunken Mitchell is Cameron!"

"Premature e-jenga-lation!"

(Someone asked Mitchell where his "better half" was)
WHITNEY: Did you tell him he was somewhere in Buttfuck, Saskatchewan? And not the good Buttfuck?
JASON: ooh, well played.

"It wasn't free; it cost you four years of your life!"
(on Michele's digital camera)

"I can't see past my rack."
(Bowling for Dollars)

"I got a little bit of gay on me."

"I don't like eggnog, so I choose to imagine it's not there."

"He gave me back my cutlery--I've been re-cutlerized."

"Did you say 'If jiz was electricity'?"

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

MICHELE: (explaining about the puppet for sale at the museum) ...I would put my hand in him and be all like "Hi, my name is Fox..."
WHITNEY: And I would be all like "Hey, remember that time when you put your hand in that puppet and said "Hi, my name is Fox."?

JASON: I gotta warn ya--ifyou leave me, I'm gonna have to get introduced.
WHITNEY: What? To Shooter Girl? Hell, if you leave me, I'm gonna get introduced! No, I won't; girls are too much fuckin' work. Still, she was fuckin' hot!

"I was not drunk until I stood up. And now my teeth are numb and my tongue isn't working right. But I was fine while I was sitting."

"Sorry, I was distracted by the hideous."

"Oh, I see the problem! It's attached. Can you just leave it here?"
(deconstructing men)

"And also, zombies."
(works well with any sentence, really.)

"Snake woman; I AM MEDUSA!"
(now that's a bad hair day!)

"We've got her food, what do we need her for?"
(the darker side of grocery shopping)

"Aeuh!! Tha ith noth mi-i-i!"
(spoken with tongue fully extended)

"Oh my God; your Rev just gave birth!"

"Wait, no, corpulent? bad memey thingy!!!!!"
-when LJ mocks you

"They're so English, they take it up the bum!"

JASON: Ha ha! I've got camoflage pants now! From the waist down you'll never see me coming!
WHITNEY: I've got camoflage pants too, so you're never gonna find it!
JASON: Damn you....

"Wow, you're so random."
-on Mitchell

"OMG, he soccer-mommed him!"
-feeling the Sentinel love

"Can we pay in Imperial crappy stuff?"

"I feel sad"

"OMG! He killed Cookie Monster!"

"Did she just check her ass crack for cigarettes?"

THOMAS: You were a witness!
WHITNEY: Did he just call me Whitless?

JASON: (in response to something on T.V)  "I'm the O.G., baby."
<big, blank stare from the wife>
JASON: "the Original Gangsta?  Yo?"
WHITNEY: "Oh.  I was thinking 'Old Guy'".

"I fell asleep a while ago on the couch with Jason, and I must have been dreaming about the club, 'cause when the phone woke me, I had the phrase, "Silly Barbie, Trixie's for boys!" running through my head."

"I think i'm in a rut. actually, i'm definitely in a rut. i've wallpapered and decorated my rut with throw pillows."

When at first you don't suceed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it!

MICHELE: Shake her head; she'll feel better, I swear.
WHITNEY: Or I will!
(cat therapy)

"i'll leave you with a few words to remember me by: burble. interest. guffaw. Fred."

W:  Jason...
J:  yes...
W:  i love you...
J:  yes?
W:  can i have a pop?
J:  yes.
W:  ...can i have a pop without moving?
J:  <sigh> yes.
(love in humidity....)

I've decided I'd be much more relaxed if the cat would just stop crapping in my Japanese rock garden.  Good thing my rake is shaped like a scoop..."

"I like to share the love...or the horror about the love."

"I know we're bonding and everything, but shoo!"
-she loves the cat

"nobody spills more than when they're naked on a table."

"the kind that doesn't taste, smell, or stimulate like coffee...um...whatsitcalled...milk!"
-when asked what kind of coffee she likes

"what do you call that, anyway?  Paptized?"
-wondering what you call it when the Pope steps up

"Ooh, this one's a thinker."
(Jason explains: Last week, we were at the McDonald's Drive-Thru, and We got to the window, and this time, unlike times previous, the girl asked us for the coupons (you know, so we couldn't use them again, and Whitney says...)

"It's so cool that I understand what they're talking about."
-on CSI

"The Seventies were the best six months of my life."

"Ladies and gentlemen, Nada *GONG*"
-helping Luis with his Gong Show theme

"I wanna put clothes on her arms and make her wash something!"
-on Nada twirling around on stage

"How did I ever get along without you?"
(that sounds suspiciously like sarcasm...)

MICHELE: You're probably overloaded on Buffy right now.
WHITNEY: Oh, no, I'm totally loving it...but my monkey is falling apart
(funnier when not explained)

MICHELE: His name is Ahmed, I keep him in the closet (claiming to have a dish washer)
WHITNEY: I didn't think you kept any of your friends in the closet!

"Get on your knees and smile like a donut."

"Compliment." (points to back of hand) "Insult." (points to front of hand) "You decide."(slaps person backhand and forehand...)

"Oh my god, it burns!"

"It's the classy kinda pussy..."

JASON: all right! I love Oingo Boingo!
WHITNEY: I know, Sweetie, but don't tell that to Michele--you'll only creep her out.

"If you just swallow the glitter, you eliminate a whole step!"
-clever response to Trixie's penis decorating suggestion

It's not all about size. It's all about siiiiize..."

"Did I do a funny?"

"No matter how much I pull it, it won't grow!"
-on Jason's hair

"Jason, you're shedding change..."

"I'll milk a bean for ya..."

"I can make the goose with the plant, eating the things, but other than that..."

"Oskawewe, oskawawa
Holy Makinaw
Tigers, eat 'em raw"
(it's an Ontario thing, not a sleeping-with-Jason thing)

"This game sucks, you're fighting back!"
-playing with Jason

BARKLEY: Oh look, it's like Yada, on ice (talking about the skaters in Slap Shot)
WHITNEY: No, their legs come back together.

MARLON: I've been counting to ten all day..."
WHITNEY: I don't think that's high enough.

"I steamed for three hours--I steamed my thumb...I steamed my boob..."
-working hard for the money, so hard for ya honey...

"He licked me!"
-on the set of "Worse Things"

WHITNEY: Don't cook naked--things spit at you, and OW!
JASON: And if you spit back, no one wants to eat it.

"There's a weird hole here."

"He's a dork."

JASON: Hey, Amos and Andy--
WHITNEY:Did you just call them Anus and Andy?
JASON:No, but yours is funnier.

MICHELE: I really want to see his dog; it's a boxer.
WHITNEY: oh...OH, A 'DOG'
(apparently she heard something else entirely!)

"...and now I have to sterilize my eyeballs."
(was it something Barkley said?)

"Sweetie, you can't feel your teeth, ever."

MICHELE: That's hot!
WHITNEY-No, that's desperate--maybe you haven't  learned the diffemce.

"That was long and pointless. I mean, short and pointless, I can handle, but long, no."

"I'm used to incoherent; I date Jason."

WHITNEY: People who talk to themselves scare me.
MICHELE: People who smell like feta cheese scare me.
(talking about the same person, actually)

"...and he's a good lay."
(explaining why her boyfriend should be Mr. Gay Regina)

SHANE: Oh, he was in that movie about that dead guy on campus.
WHITNEY: Dead Man On Campus?

JASON: He's this, uh, big...sassy...
WHITNEY: Look, he's Shane with hair, okay?

"Do you think Jesus could beat Chewie in a fair fight?"

"Yo mamma! Oh, wait, no--yo' girlfriend!"

"You mock her like you know her."

"EWWWW...I do say that!"

"Okay, that's so going into the 'don't touch it til you really need it' box!"

MEL B.:He uh... looks kinda silly when he runs.
        WHITNEY:Does he look like he's ready to drop his gun?

"You fed it!"
-on why Thomas has to keep Barkley

"I need you to sit over here, so I can smack you without hurting myself."
-showing the boyfriend some love

THOMAS: It's part of his charm.
WHITNEY: That I love him. (note, not a question!)
MICHELE: Pretty much.
-more kind words for Jason

"One day my ass is going to fall. And a couple of days later, my tits are going to look back and say, 'hey, that looks comfortable', and join it on the floor."

"I don't know what you asked for, I was staring at your throat."
-serving Tracheotomy man

"Jason, I have a sticky spot."

"I didn't fall for 'the pony'. I just happened to look over there when you said 'look, a pony'"

"Could you stop playing with the lesbian magnets?'

JASON: Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle...
WHITNEY: stink, stink, stink!
-taking their show on the road!

GODDESS: I have to go potty first.
WHITNEY: Okay. Have fun. Mention my name, you'll get a good seat.

JASON: Who's winning? (talking about the hockey game)
WHITNEY: Dawson. (NOT talking about the hockey game)
-when girls get the remote

"On my wedding day, I want to look as slim and as beautiful as possible, so my five best friends will be fat, ugly and in orange."

"Don't you know, anyone who's in drama has got to be desperate."

"Look-it's gross!"

"...then the little fucker..."
(I didn't know she had it in her)

"You can't breathe and swallow at the same time either."
-responding to Jason's peeing and cumming theory

GERRARD:(talking to Jason in drag):Jason, are you holding onto that last bit of your heterosexuality?
WHITNEY:"Yeah, I'm right here.

TRIXIE: I've never dated anyone who wasn't left handed
WHITNEY: Me either
JASON: Really?
WHITNEY: Never "dated".

"It's all red and cute."
-this quote came with a warning, but included a visual that negated said warning

"I haven't seen you <in a dress> since our first date."

PINKY: Did you say ejaculating doll house?
WHITNEY: What would that be, the Barbie 'wet'dreamhouse?

JASON: (To bad actress)See ya in the cheap theaters, you cheap whore!
WHITNEY: (Deliberately misunderstanding)All right, but what movie are we going to watch?

"I'm thirsty."
secret code for...

"..."
(not really a quote per se, but we were watching the Lone Gunmen, the hot dog episode, and if you had seen her do the thing with the drool and the nipples and the fingertwirls, you'd understand how and why it's on this page)

"In small doses, she's fine."

"I'm a nose breather."
('nuff said)

"Look, a baby deer!"
(being distracting)

"Wow."
 (she could mean anything by that)

"I'd kick you right now, but my bones are water."

"Good thing I'm in your brain, or no one would understand you"

"Never mind the needle, get your cock out of my ass!"
(so sweet, so demure)(watching Tunguska)

"I was three."
(flirting with death.)

"That's right, pat her hair, you big fag!"
 (showing her admiration for the new Ricky/Christina video)
 
 
 
 
 

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