Some South Park fans, after prolonged exposure to the show, have started to worry about what kind of affect it is having on them. "Am I turning into a South Park character?", they ask themselves. Well, for you fans, never fear. Being completely devoid of any certifiable doctor-type qualities, I've provided a list of symptoms and cures for the individual characters. Of course, you could probably fix everything with a big bowl of chicken soup. But then, this is more fun.
Are you turning into
Eric Cartman?
Symptoms:
- Vastly increased hunger
- Sudden slurring of speech
- Inability to control profanity
- Urges to sing out loud
- Inexplicable self-denial about the existance of UFOs
- Thoughts of Nazism
- Feelings of being an unwanted child
- Ability to find new uses for the words "ass", "hippie" and "licker"
Treatments:
- Immediately burn all blue hats and red jackets you possess
- Ban all sweet foods from entering your household
- Go through psychotherapy and resolve to never use the word "sweet", "weak" or "kickass" again
- Ask your mother bluntly, and confirm that she is not a hermaphrodite
- Start watching The X-Files on a weekly basis
Are you turning into
Stan Marsh?
Symptoms:
- Increased ability to throw a football
- Complete acceptance of homosexuality in all its forms
- Higher probability of using the word "Dude"
- Vomiting
- Hightened ability to point out the moral value of any situation
- Increased obscenities
- Feelings of being smothered by your parents
- Susceptibility to chicken pox
Treatments:
- Send your dog to the pound
- Go out and shoot anything that moves
- Avoid any girls you find remotely attractive
- Watch Terrance and Phillip (or real-life equivalent) as little as possible
- Whenever someone is killed, exclaim, "You morons!" Nothing else.
- Make sure that a mad scientist never gets any of your DNA strands
Are you turning into
Kyle Brofslovski?
Symptoms:
- Urges to sing songs about Judaism
- Various leg pains resulting from constant kicking motion
- Being compelled to shout, "Oh my God!" at the sight of a murder
- Thoughts about an elephant being a decent pet
- Feelings of resentment towards your siblings
- Hallucinations about walking, talking bodily functions
- (Any symptoms of being a chronically depressed fecalpheliac on Prozac)
Treatments:
- Destroy all dreidles you own
- Read a book detailing the rich, interesting history of Canada
- Eat a lot of fibre
- Make a New Year's resolution to never kick a baby again
Are you turning into
Kenny McCormick?
Symptoms:
- Dramatically increased knowledge of sexual terms
- Uncontrollable profanity
- Low self-esteem about your appearance
- Fear of rats
- Muffled speech
- Death
Treatments:
- Smack yourself upside the head many times
- Become a nudist
- Try as hard as you can to win the lottery
- Avoid laughing at the sight of two adults fighting, especially your parents
- Never eay frozen waffles for dinner
- Don't die
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