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How To Form A Boy Band. You're Welcome.
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1. Be very vain and look good in every flawless way. Exercise if you want to but never ever overdo it. Remember that Arnold does not have screaming girls follow him around even when he was 20.(This step has to be initiated when you are still a kid. Admittedly this step is quite hard to begin with but once you complete it, it's comparatively smooth sailing from here on.)
2. Attend school. Be a good lad. Remember that once you become famous, magazine reporters will try to dig up every detail of your past, and you won't want people to find out that you were the one responsible for, say, a toilet-bombing incident, now would you?
3. Find some chums (or even relatives) who have also done Steps 1 & 2. To be sure, dig out their past before the press do.
4. Now you have a group (but not a boy band yet). Practise singing and more importantly, dancing. You do not have to be a Luther Vandross or a Pavarotti when you sing, those people are gifted, it's not your fault. But you DO have to be a Michael Jackson when it comes to dancing. No boy band ever got famous for being `significantly disorientated in dancing' (technical term) or 'klutzes' (layman's term).
5. Important note: you don't have to practise writing songs, not just yet. Remember that you already have your dynamite good looks, slick dance moves and `harmonising abilities that have room for improvement'. Surely there are some people who are willing to write fabulous songs for you just to make you famous.
6. Answer to some `Boy Band Wanted' advertisement in the newspapers, saying, "We're the boys you wanted. In fact, we're more than that. We are different."
7. Try to at least look good in the auditions, when you get selected you will get a manager and record contract of your own. Sign your name on the dotted line and the rest is history. Hey presto! A boy band ready to rock the world.
8. Attend morning talk shows, have magazine people interview you, flex your teeth often. And always, always say this, in fact, make it your slogan, 'We're not just any ordinary boy band.' Back it up with a reason or two. Here's a quick reference for those not wearing thinking caps, not that I blame you: 1. We grew up listening to black music, so that's our main influence. 2. We've had actual vocal training. We put singing above all else. 3. We play our own instruments (technically, every boy band can use this one. Come on, are you trying to tell me you don't know how to bang a drum?) The press will take note of this, and sooner or later people will start believing it. Who doesn't believe what they read? After all, do they pay to be lied to?
9. Don't worry if you don't get selected. It's not the end of the world yet. Far from it. Just repeat Step 7 until you finally get selected, but make sure all of you are still below 25 when you do. The fact is that there are more auditions held every day than there are existing boy bands on the planet.
10. Now that you're famous, here's a few more pointers. DON'T drink (think of your breath). DON'T smoke (think of your teeth). DON'T admit to having a girlfriend unless you are considering early retirement. Don't be afraid to take off your shirt once in a while, it's good for the girls and okay for you. You don't have to think about your future yet. That will only make you worry, lose sleep, and eventually your youthful good looks you've groomed for so long. It is a well-known fact that a lot of retired boy bands become either producers or mechanics. Either way you still make money, right? Life goes on. And above all else, have fun. Now off you go!
Two anglers, who'd established a bet of $50 on who would catch the first fish, were sitting side by side on the river bank. Suddenly one if them saw his float twitch, but he got so excited that he managed to fall in the water.
"Damn!" shouted his companion in disgust. "If you're going to dive in after the buggers the bet's off!"
Bored with heaven, Moses and Jesus came down to Earth for a round of golf. On the third hole part of the fairway was covered by a lake and Jesus decided to make an approach shot over it with an eight-iron.
"You're nuts!" said Moses. "It'll never reach."
"What do you mean?" asked Jesus. "Arnold Palmer uses an eight-iron, doesn't he?" And with that he chipped the ball - which fell straight into the lake. "Okay, Moses," said Jesus, "just part the waters so that I can go and fetch the ball, will you?"
"Forget it," said Moses. "I told you it wouldn't reach. Go and do your walking on the water bit and fetch it yourself."
Jesus refused and tried the shot again. "If Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I." But once more the ball plonked straight into the water. He tried again, but still couldn't make the far shore. Finally, worried about the number of balls he was losing, he agreed to fetch them himself and walked out onto the water to collect them. Just then a bemused couple who have been playing a few holes behind them came up and stood near Moses. "Who the heck does that guy think he is?" asked the man, "Jesus Christ?"
"No," exclaimed Moses turning around. "Ruddy Arnold Palmer."
The colonel and the vicar were playing golf together for the first time. Trying to drive off at the first tee the colonel missed the ball. "Sod it, missed!" he exclaimed. The vicar took a very dim view of this language and told the colonel so. But some minutes later the colonel failed with an important putt and again exclaimed, "Sod it!"
This time the vicar was really furious. "I'm telling you Colonel, God is not mocked. If you can't control your language something terrible will happen."
His companion took the point and managed to control himself. Then on the final green, he found himself faced with an easy six-inch putt to win the game. He approached it carefully - and fluffed it. Then he began swearing like a demon.
Suddenly there was a tremendous thunderclap and the vicar was hit by a bolt of lightning, which killed him where he stood. In the distance the colonel heard a deep rumbling sound... "Sod it, missed!"
A beery rugby player got home after a lengthy session in the pub with the team. "Is my dinner warm?" he asked his wife as he burst into the bedroom where she was lying half-asleep.
She growled back, "Only if the dustbin's on fire."
A well-stoned darts player staggered home one evening to be met in the hall by his furious wife. "I demand an explanation - and I want the truth," she shouted.
The darts player replied, "Well make up your mind!"
Two snooker players were on a national tour giving exhibition matches. One evening, with no game to play, they found themselves stuck in a small country town with nothing to do. Patrick suddenly got up and left the pub in which they were sitting, declaring that he was going to confession. Mick told him he was mad, but off Patrick strolled.
In the confessional, he told the priest that he'd made love to a local girl. Naturally concerned, the priest quizzed him as to who this girl was - but Patrick refused to say and eventually left.
"Well, Pat," said his friend when he returned to the pub, "did you get absolution?"
"Indeed I didn't," said Patrick. "But I got some useful names and addresses!"
A Chinese athlete recently set a terrific record for running over mountains, vallies, woods and swimming across lakes, but it was all in vain. He was recaptured.
A young karate expert seemed set for a promising career in the Royal Marines. However things went wrong on his first day when he saluted - and knocked himself out.
Four major executives from various countries are playing
golf together on the second tee when they hear a phone
ring. The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and
pulls out a cellular phone. "OK buy 1000 Microsoft
shares." the Canadian tells the other person on the phone,
then hangs up. He then says to the others, "I'm such an
important person that I have to make sure my employees can
reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone
everywhere."
On the third tee, they hear another phone. All of a sudden
the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to
his ear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he
tells the others, "I'm so important that I had my company
install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in
my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a
cellular telephone." The people are impressed and move on.
When they get to the green, they hear another phone ring.
The German guy stands up tall and says, "OK sell the
company now." He loosens up and tells the others, "I'm so
important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip
and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is
stand up straight to get the signal." Everybody is really
impressed and they continue playing.
At the next tee they hear another phone ring. All of a
sudden the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After
a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go
into the bushes. The Japanese guy is in the bushes with
his pants around his legs and squatting as if to take a
dump.
"Oh, we're sorry," the American executive exclaims, "We'll
leave you alone."
"That's OK," the Japanese executive says, "I'm just
waiting for a fax."
A powerful rugby forward seemed to lose his strength and had to be dropped from the side. Greatly perturbed at this loss of form, the team manager sent him to see a psychiatrist. The shrink asked the man about his dreams.
"Every night it's the same, doctor," he said. "I dream I'm at Paddington with a wheelbarrow of concrete blocks and I have to push them to Maida Vale. I wake up exhausted."
The psychiatrist said that he could help. The player was to take a pill that he would prescribe. If he took it each night he would soon feel better. The player went home and took the pills and continued to have the same dream, except that before long the psychiatrist appeared and pushed the wheelbarrow to Maida Vale for him. So the rugby player woke up more refreshed than usual and pretty soon was able to regain his place in the team.
Naturally the whole club was impressed by this quick return to form and so when another player, a fly-half, began to play poorly they sent him to see the psychiatrist too. The fly-half explained his dreams. "It's like this, doctor. Each night I'm in this amazing bedroom when 12 lovely women walk in.
They climb all over me, and it's pretty obvious what I did next. When I wake up I'm exhausted!"
Again the psychiatrist prescribed the pills, but this time not only did the player's form not get any better, it got much worse.
The fly-half said that now the shrink appeared and took six of the girls off his hands.
"Yeah," agreed the forward. "I suppose six girls are still rather a lot."
"You don't understand," said the player. "When I get outside, after having finished with the girls, I find some bugger's left a wheelbarrow full of bricks that I have to wheel all the way to Maida Vale!"
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