A computer scientist died and of course was immediately sent to hell. As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams. There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth. "What do you think of hell?" asked the devil. "Wonderful" said the computer scientist, "give me a few discs and let me try these machines out." "Ahhhhh!," grinned the devil. "We've got no software down here."

One day, 3 men wanted to join a certain cult so they approached the high priest of that cult. The high priest told the three men to do a bad thing each. The three men went home.
The next day, they returned. The high priest asked the first man what bad thing he had done. The man said, "I killed a man." The high priest said, "Very good. Now go drink the unholy water and become one of us." The priest asked the second man the same question. The second man replied, "I robbed this woman, and then I killed her." The high priest was very impressed. "Go drink the unholy water and join your new brothers."
When the priest asked the third man the same question. The man replied, "I peed in the unholy water."

Bumper Sticker: If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"

As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit crap!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."

Answering Machine Message: Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Man 1: When I came to this country, I had nothing but a beat up old suitcase and the clothes on my back, but look where I am today! I have millions in the bank! I have stocks, bonds and real estate valued in the millions! I live like a king, and do you know how I did it?
Man 2: Through hard work and perseverence?
Man 1: Are you crazy? That suitcase I brought was filled with cash!

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A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while wife was in kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother" - the guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

Three men are traveling the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polack, and they get captured by some Amazons.
The head of the tribe says to the German, what do you want on your back for your whipping? The German responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these hugh welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polack, what do you want on your back? "I will take nothing!" says the Polack, and the Polack stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American, who responds "I'll take the Polack!"

A man wanted to buy two mongoose. Or is it mongeese? Or mongooses? He finally said, "Send me a mongoose, and tomorrow send me another one."

Though she tried to please her husband, the poor woman failed regularly. Most often it was at breakfast. If she scrambled the eggs, he wanted poached. If she poached them, he wanted them scrambled.
One morning she decided to poach one and scramble the other and waited for his approval.
Glancing at his plate, her husband snorted, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Two friends, both boys, come of age at the same time. The first boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his birthday, the second boy receives a beautiful gold watch.
The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade.
That night, when the first boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.
"Where did you get that watch?" asked the man.
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top.
"What are ya? A stupid boy? Whasa matter witya? Some day, you maybe gonna get married. Then maybe some day you gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What're ya gonna do then? Look at your watch and ask, "How long you gonna be?"

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