Non-Consensual Gender

By Chris Paige

I was once asked by a friend...

Were you badly burned when you were young by some adult/parent?

This was my response...

I've spent almost four years in therapy trying to figure this out. I mean, actually, I was working through a lot of things, but they all seemed to point to some recurring violence, probably at a young age. But nothing I had any memory of came near this category of experience. I'd been growing rather frightened at what repressed trauma I might be carrying. Afraid of what I might "learn" about my parents -- who I've always know to be WONDERFULLY supportive people.

Kate Borstein (Gender Outlaw, My Gender Workbook) has articulated a couple of things that have BLOWN ME AWAY! I'm quite clear now that the violence I experienced. The violence which has given me "issues" in many ways like an abused or abandoned child. This violence is called NONCONSENSUAL GENDER.

We are ASSIGNED a gender at birth. Nobody consults the child. The assigned label then goes on to define nearly every interaction that child will have. This label is dramatically BINARY (either-or). It is also (supposedly) permanent, immutable, nonnegotiable, and perfectly natural. This label is FORCIBLY applied and there are no options or alternatives. Not even an arena for discussion. THAT, my friends, is VIOLENCE.

But, THEN, we enter a social world where the expectations associated with this violently assigned label, positively TERRORIZE us. The pressure to conform is excruciating. Demands are placed on us. We are fully expected to CUT OFF parts of ourselves in order to fit into these ridiculous BOXES (i.e. "male" and "female"). In addition, we are fully expected to graft on pieces of identity which feel utterly FOREIGN to us -- further threatening our INTEGRITY. This pressure is applied through threat, command, and outright hostility -- as well as through systematic, but nuanced forms of reaction, rejection, disapproval, abandonment, and lack of support. And always. Always we are reminded that there are "boys" and there are "girls" -- and try as you might, that is the way things are. The effect is the fostering of systemically and deeply imbedded FEAR and SHAME in the bodies and minds of young people.

The VIOLENCE and TERRORISM of NONCONSENSUAL GENDER begins so EARLY that we hardly "remember" it. It has simply ALWAYS been there. Part of the fabric of our lives. The struggle.

We learn to adapt. We try to be what they demand, we conform. We compromise. We try to maintain our integrity, we rebel. We hide, from others, from ourselves. We silence ourselves, we watch our steps. We self-destruct. We are rejected, cast out. They attempt to destroy us. We learn not to reach out or reveal ourselves.

We grow accustomed to this SYSTEMIC ABUSE. Our adaptations become unconscious habits.

We survive.

We discover ourselves. We find community. We live.

We are survivors. Each in our own way.

For me, this clarifies SO MANY things about my life and experience. About my internal struggles. Personally, I was raised to be a little feminist. I always knew, in my head, that I could be anything I wanted to be. I'd been given the words for that. But nonetheless, in my body, I learned that there were limits and there were expectations. In my body, I learned it was not so safe "to be whatever I wanted to be." In my body, I learned to watch my step.

And somehow I reconciled these radically opposite notions -- that I was both pure potentiality and that I was deeply wrong. And from many points of view, I made it work. I was fine. But, there was this nagging self-questioning in my body -- at a level I could not even articulate in words. It had developed into rage by high school. And even after I started loving women and coming out. And even after I gave up conforming and began wearing a jacket and tie without a second thought. There was still this tension in my body, that exploded on certain occassions (I'm NOT talking orgasm here) and left me ... a mess. There was this insecurity in my body that could, in a moment, turn me (a competent self-assured 27 year old professional) into a confused, terrified 5 year old, curled up on the floor of a bathroom.

Nothing I could put words to. Only in my body. What society teaches us in interactions and assumptions and expectations and reactions. The outright verbal stuff is bad enough. But the nonverbal messages destroy us worse.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, and words can really hurt us. But that look you give a child who is still exploring their personal identity for the first time -- is what can really destroy an entire person.

I am growing more and more aware of the pieces of myself which I attempted to cut off in order to survive. The compromises I made to make a way in a wilderness which did not want for me to LIVE. Entirely nonverbal and therefore all the more insidious. And I am learning to put the pieces back together.

I am a SURVIVOR of the VIOLENCE and TERRORISM of NONCONSENSUAL GENDER.

I am OTHERWISE.

I am WHOLE.

I am NOT divided against myself.

"NonConsensual Gender" by Chris Paige; https://www.angelfire.com/on/otherwise/abuse.html

Visit: Chris Paige

Email: Chris Paige

To return to the Land of OtherWise...

To return to TransFaith On-line...