Just as sudden as the light appeared that it disappeared. The warmth, loving, caring, serenity was gone. Shut off like with a switch. I felt myself falling, falling from Grace. I kept falling. It seemed like I fell forever.
I awoke still surrounded by black, only this time I knew I was on solid ground. I could feel it but I couldn't see it. There was light where I was. Artificial light or natural light, unknown. Where it came from, still unknown. On the ground was a thick coating of wispy smoke. It covered the ground. I couldn't see the actual floor. I couldn't see my feet as I stood up. I wore a simple white silk dress. Nothing fancy about it. Pure and plain. What shocked me was that I could see through myself. I starred at my hand and I could see the wispy smoke on the ground through it. This didn't make any sense. What happened?
"Hello? Is anybody there? Can anybody hear me? Am I alone here? Hello?!" I called out, startled not by the sound of my voice but the fact that I still had one. I looked around the black. Suddenly off in the distance. The smoke from the ground drifted upwards in one spot and stayed there. From the risen smoke, a figure appeared. At first it had no form but then it molded and shaped. It formed a bird in flight. It flew towards me. All I could do was stare at it. As it came closer, details were added. It was a big bird, jet black, shiny, majestic. A raven. It stopped two feet away from me and hovered before me.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I'm your Spirit Guide. At last we finally meet. I am here to help you make sense of your destiny." The bird said without moving it's beak.
"How can you talk without moving your beak?" I asked.
"We're communicating through telepathy. I'm reading your thoughts, you're reading mine." It answered.
"Am I even speaking?" I asked.
"No, actually, you're not." Said the Raven.
"What happened to me?" I asked.
"Do you remember anything?" It said.
"I remember being with my boyfriend Alexander and my friends. We were in a party. New Year's Eve. The clock struck twelve and that's all I remember." I said shaking my head.
"That's all?"
"Yes."
"Then there's something I need to tell you. You are no longer living your physical life. You are in the second stage now, AfterLife as you'd call it. Right now you are in the stance of Limbo. The crossing bridge between the mortal world and the Summerland*. Let me tell you what happened on that night." The Raven said and proceeded in filling me in on the exact details of my death. When it finished and waited for me to sort my thoughts.
"What? Dead? I'm dead? No, this isn't happening! I'm not ready yet! I can't accept. Th-this is some kind of joke! Yeah, another one of Nickolas's practical jokes. Nick! Where are you?! I know this is your idea of messing with my mind with a joke but now you've crossed the cruelty line!" I called out, searching around frantically in the abyss trying to find places where Nick could have hidden himself.
"This isn't a joke." The Raven said and took flight again. It flew close to my face and I was about to whack it aside when it brushed it's right wing against my forehead. With that touch, it flew back to it's original spot and a flood of memories burst into my mind like a dam being broken down by water.
I remembered everything. My friends, my family, my Sweet 16 birthday party, Jason, Antonio, and exactly what happened to cause my death. The realization forced me to my knees.
"I really am dead, aren't I?" I murmured.
"Dead is a cruel word. A living creature never dies. It continues it's life in a cycle. You are still here now. You've completed your physical stage and have moved into the astral stage. You are now a Spirit, a ghost." Raven explained.
"I understand. How are my friends doing? My family? Alex?" I asked.
"You will see them in time."
"Why not now?" I whined.
"Because now I have to explain to you something very important. Something that was decided for you by Fate even before the day you were born into your physical stage. The day of your sixteenth birthday was the day you're Destiny started to kick into motion. It's not just by chance that you met Alex, Nick, Kevin, Brian and Howie. It was decided that you would. I cannot tell you too much now for that will overwhelm you. There is a very important Eternity ahead of you and with that comes responsibilities. I choose not to tell you everything now but to let you learn and understand them with a selection of different teachers here to guide you on your own path." It said.
"How long has it been since I left?" I asked.
"Two weeks."
"Two weeks already?! It only felt like minutes ago." I said astonished.
"Mortal time and your time works very differently. What may seem like minutes to you could be days, weeks, months, even years to mortals. What may seem like a long time to you could just be mere seconds to mortals. That's the way time works when you have all of Eternity before you."
"Wow! How are my loved ones holding up now?" I asked worried.
"That you'll have to see for yourself. Come. Now it's time for you to visit some very special entities that help create your path." Raven said. It then started to flap it's wings and caw.
There lay my corpse. My skin had turned a blueish-gray. My features drawn. My hair was let to flow around my head like a black hallow. A silver pentagram on a chain hung around my neck to represent my devotion to Wicca and my love of the Lady. With that, traditional Buddhist bracelet beads were wrapped around my wrist, symbolizing my Chinese faith. My hands were lightly folded across my chest. I wore a black gown that looked like a bridesmaid dress. I remembered that dress. My mom had bought it for my school formal. It was the nicest piece of clothing I had. When my mom bought it, it was during a time where she was still adjusting to my 'Gothic' personality. She wasn't used to my fetish for dark colors. The original color of the dress was pale pink. I loved the dress, hated the color and got it dyed black without telling my mom. She threw a fit over this and it ended up becoming a heated argument. I didn't speak to her for days. It was odd how I'd remember a fight over something so trivial now. The hard thing is, I don't recall saying sorry to my mother. I think it just ended up forgotten and put aside, never resolved. Remembering this brought a tear to my eye. Never, ever, let arguments left to hang in the air unresolved. You'll never know if you'll ever get the chance to say your sorry. Especially if it's over something so stupid that it's not worth even arguing over. It was one of the things I hated myself for now.
"I'm sorry, mommy. It was stupid of me to do that without telling you. I know you spent a lot of money trying to make it look the way you wanted to see me look in it." I mumbled through tears. That was different. I was able to cry. I never knew immortals could feel. This knew concept of being dead had a lot of getting used to. I looked to the people seated in the pews. My mom sat in the front. She wore white, the traditional color to wear at a Chinese funeral. She sat, her features drawn and weak, bent slightly in tears as my aunts and uncles comforted her. Mrs. McLean and Mrs. Carter were also there to lend a hand in helping my mom. My heart was ready to burst upon seeing my mother in such a state.
"My little baby! Why did it have to be her?! She was only 16! She's too young to be gone!" She wept. Mrs. McLean drew her in a hug as she cried.
"Mommy, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I never got to say good-bye. I'm sorry I never told you. Don't feel bad. I'm in a better place now. I'm happy. Don't worry about me, mommy. I'm going to be just fine. Please don't worry." I said. I kneeled in front of my mother as I said these words. She, of course, never even knew I was there, neither did anyone else. It pained me to see my mother so broken and to realize that she wasn't able to hear me trying to reassure her. Suddenly a man walked into the room. I looked up and gazed at him in awe. It had been ten years since I ever saw him. He walked into the room and bowed to the Chinese monk who had set up to do a Chinese farewell ritual. He paid his respects to my corpse, wiping tears from his eyes and went to my mother. She saw him and stood up. They embraced. I cried even more. My death had finally brought my mother and father together in the same room, hugging, for the first time in ten years.
I went to where my friends sat. They were crying. They all wore white and dark gray. My mom had requested that no one wear black.
"Leah, Tavlin, Dianna, Michelle. I'm sorry this had to end this way. I know I was supposed to be leaving anyway to move to Florida. But, I didn't mean to leave like this. You guys are the best friends a girl could ever have. Thank you for the memories. I still recall everything. It was fun while it lasted." I said, my voice trailing off. They continued their sobs. I sighed.
I drifted over to where the Boys sat. I had never seen them look so down. Not in real life, not in pictures, not on TV. I looked to each one of them. Remembering their own personal friendship to me. Howie sat at the side. His head was down, he subconsciously tore a paper napkin in shreds lost in his own thoughts.
"Be strong, Howie. I know you are. I'm glad we were finally able to talk. I truly appreciate the fact that I could rely on you to listen to me when I needed it. I know, it sucks that it's all over now! I wish we could have spent more time to get to know each other. At least we were able to share a dance. Good-bye." I said while Howie continued to play around with the napkin shreds, still not looking up. Oblivious to the fact that I had spoken to him. Nick sat next to him. He had crumpled Kleenex in his hands and was still wiping away tears.
"Nick, don't feel bad. I know you thought there could be something more than just friendship between us. I'm sorry that it'd never happened. I am happy that you understood and were strong to help guide me. You will never know how much it meant to me. You have helped bring new light into my dark hell of a life. Thank you, good-bye." I said as Nick continued to cry. His best friend Brian sat beside him. He help Christian rosary beads tightly in his hands, rubbing each bead as he silently mouthed a prayer.
"I hear your prayers, Brian. I'm not going to forget that. I know, it's not part of my belief but the strength behind them is still there, strong as gold. You've got a pure heart, Brian and you are going to achieve lots. You've helped me so much. Thanks for standing by. I know that it's your faith and unique mind that will help keep the band together when needed. I'll be watching. Good-bye." I said. And, just like everyone else, Brian continued his concentration on the rosary beads. His cousin sat next to him. Kevin held the most strongest demeanor of them all. He sat, starring right ahead at my school formal picture that was set up on the table the monk was using as a shrine. His expression was blank and motionless, lost in his own thoughts.
"Kevin. Thank you for understanding my problems and helping me sort things through. You've only known me for a few months yet you have opened your heart and helped a teenager with a dark depression without any major questions. That took a big risk, especially when you saw how dangerous helping me could end up, you stayed with me and that meant the most. Thank you also for the advice on the music industry. It's a shame that your advice can't help me make it now. Good-bye." I mused as Kevin continued to stare straight ahead. I looked to the seat besides Kevin. It was empty. Where was AJ? I scanned the crowd and found AJ sitting in a seat in the very back row all to himself. I floated over to where he sat.
AJ's dark gray suit was wrinkled and battered like he spent days wearing it. His hair was disheveled and he was unshaven. The bags under his eyes were large and dark due to lack of sleep and stress. He didn't wear sunglasses, rings, chains, or piercings. It was like he left behind his fun loving personality back at the New Year's Eve party. He cried openly not caring what anyone thought. He seemed completely broken. I could see his aura and it wasn't good. Destructive even. I read his thoughts.
"AJ, don't cry. I never left you. I would never leave you. We were meant to be together. And just because I'm gone physically, doesn't mean that I'm gone forever. We will meet again. Not any time soon but we will." I said. This time I was desperate for him to hear me, maybe get my words into his head somehow. His mind was on a one-way path to destruction and I had to do everything I could to turn it around. His thoughts came in little phrases into my own mind.
I can't continue without her.
"Yes you can! Don't even think that! You are strong and you will continue to get stronger throughout your life. You'll get over me and you'll create a wonderful family and all your dreams and wishes will come true. I'll make sure of it. Don't throw away everything because of me!" I coaxed.
I can't continue with the band. It's what she would want.
"Don't even think about leaving the band! That'd would be the absolute last thing I'd want! What I do want is for you to continue with the Backstreet Boys, creating hits after hits, breaking more and more positive records. You can do it and I will make sure you will! I've devoted my faith in you now you give your faith in yourself and don't you dare give up!" I pestered.
I want to be with her now.
"It's not your time to be with me in my world now. Your time won't be coming for a very long time! This I'm sure of. The Angel of Death has made no decision about when he'll be coming for you. Yes he has come for me but you have a lot more luck, a lot more time than I do. I've never left you! I'm right here now! Right beside you. Can't you please just look at me?!" I was practically begging him to notice me. I wanted him to understand that I was speaking to him at that very moment. But he paid no attention.
I want to die right now.
"NO! DON'T THINK THAT! You are not going to take your life now! Do you understand! I forbid you to and I have the power to step in now. So stop it!" I screamed at him.
"Dammit! Can't you even look up at me?! I'm here, I'm talking to you. Don't my words reach anywhere in your mind? This is conscience talking to you now. I am your conscience and I'm telling you now to reconsider your thoughts. It's not your time!" I repeated myself, nothing worked. He never even flinched. I dropped to my knees and sighed. This wasn't going anywhere except downhill.
A half an hour later, the monk was finished the ceremony and everyone got ready to leave. AJ went to join the Boys.
"Bone, how are you holding up?" Nick asked.
"Don't call me that!" He sneered.
"What are you doing? You don't have to be so rude about it." Kevin tried to step in.
"What's it to you anyway? My girlfriend was murdered. She died in my arms, I have the right to be pissed about it." He mumbled.
"We know that. We were there. But there are other ways of dealing with it." Howie said, being the mediator as always.
"It ain't that easy. Sam was everything to me. This isn't working out." He said.
"Maybe you need to take some time off." Brian suggested.
"Not too much, though. We're touring again in a week." Kevin cautioned.
"No. I need the time. I'm not going." AJ stated.
"What are you talking about? We can't do an entire tour without the entire band!" Nick exclaimed.
"Well, you'll have to. I quit." He said, laying the bottom line.
"Damnit! You can't be serious!" Howie said.
"Oh yeah? Try me." He said glaring at Howie.
"Look, I'm not in the right frame of mind to be arguing with you guys now. And I don't care how you break it to the public just as long as you do. I don't want to talk about it. I've made up my mind. I can't go on-stage knowing she won't ever be in the audience or backstage watching anymore. Now leave me the hell alone." He snapped and stomped up to the open casket and held the limp, cold, clammy hand of my corpse in his. I watched the argument from afar and now I was freaking out.
"Why the hell did you do that?! Can't you see that that is not the way out. You don't run away from your feelings, you're not resolving them, you're just repressing them! You need to be on-stage. It helps to keep you grounded. I won't be able to continue knowing that you've thrown away your dreams! Listen to me!!!" I yelled. I stood right beside him at the casket and was yelling right into his ear and he heard nothing. This wasn't working at all.
"He's not going to hear you. He's blocked off his mind from outside reason. All he hears is his own destructive thoughts." Someone said behind me.
"Who's there? Raven? Is that you? You're the only one that can see or hear me." I said not turning around.
"No, the Raven's not the only one. I can." Said the stranger. I turned around and gasped.
"Jason, what are you doing here?!" I choked out.
"I'm here to talk to you." Jason answered. I was suddenly filled with relief at seeing my old boyfriend again and was about to run to embrace him when I remembered everything that happened.
"You're here to get your personal revenge for killing you. You're brother took out his anger on me nicely. He's in jail, my body's there and I'm just air. But no, that's not enough for you. You've come despite the fact that I'm already dead to take out your own little torment spree on me." I said accusingly.
"No, WhiteRaven. That's where you're wrong. I'm completely over that. Yeah, at first I was eager to get you back for killing my but the Raven came and told me the exact details of your destiny and how I play a major role in it. Now, I understand and I accept. The Raven has asked me to come here to help you. Believe me. This is the same Jason you first started going out with." He said with a friendly smile.
"Oh, ok." I said. My eyes wandered back to AJ.
"You say the last part out of a dreamy remorse but I take it seriously and so does Raven. you can make it seem that you were never brought into this world. This may seem too drastic but it is something that will end up easing your anxiety and theirs. It's all for the best. It's a major sacrifice now. I'll let you think about it." He rationalized.
"I will think about it. I just have a few questions about how I function as a spirit. I know it seems uncaring to ask now but it's something I need to know." I said uncertainly.
"Go ahead. Ask. I've been living it here a lot longer than you have WhiteRaven." He said.
"I feel mental pain and emotional trauma that's going through the people here. How am I able to feel as a spirit?" I asked.
"You can feel the emotional, astral, spiritual and mental aspect of the spectrum of feelings. It's the physical feelings that you've lost. Now, you no longer grow physically cold or hot due to weather, feel physical pain, and the such. Make sense?" He asked.
"I guess so. Anything else, I'll ask later. Now, I think I've come to a decision." I said looking into the eyes of my old boyfriend.
"And?"
"You would have never existed." Jason added.
I turned back to AJ and watched as he continued to kneel and cry with the hand of my corpse in his.
"What am I going to do about him? He's broken apart and I can't get to him to realize his mistake. He wants to kill himself to be with me and I keep telling him that it's not right, he'd be making a terrible mistake. But he can't even hear me! And it's not just him. It's everyone. My friends aren't taking it well at all. My mom is a wreck. I hate seeing her like that and it took something like a daughter's death to bring my parents to the same room for the first time in a decade! Maybe it was better off if I even came." I said wistfully.
"I'll do it. I'll erase the memory that is me from my loved ones and the people that I've met. I'll somehow erase all that create my identity. I would have never been born." I said, telling myself the consequences out loud so I knew what I was getting into.
"I understand."
"You can stay here if you want. I'll go notify the Raven of your decision." Jason said and vanished.
