While fan fiction is an interesting genre, and can produce some genuinely good stories, more often than not it's plagued by writers who seem to not understand the basics of fan fiction. The worst offenders, by far, are slash authors. Here are some of the basic dos and don'ts of fan fiction.

First and foremost, fan fic by definition means that you are writing someone else's characters. Therefore, you must work with the information and characterization already provided about them. You are working from your perception of these characters, but that never, ever gives you the right to change major characteristics or traits. Embellishing is fine, but changing a character's nationality, entire demeanor/attitude, or vital information about them is not. 9 out of 10 fan fic writers do not understand this concept. If you feel you really must change such pertinent details about a character, change their name and make it a new character. Then change the other characters' names and turn the whole thing into something original. I have never seen such blatant disregard for this most basic of all fan fic rules as with Velvet Goldmine slash fic. FYI: Curt Wild is American. Americans, unless they are being cheeky and sarcastic, do not refer to each other as "mate," "bloke," or "love."

Show, don't tell. Slash writers in particular are guilty of using words like "sex," "sexual," and "sexually" in the middle of -- you guessed it -- sex scenes. These words shouldn't have to be used in a sex scene because that's what you're supposed to show us. You don't call a 1-900 number to hear someone say "I'm having sex with a dildo." You call to hear them say "I've got the vibrator on and I'm teasing myself with it," etc. Get the picture? For example:

Showing: Panting, Brian whispered, "Please, Curt..." He swallowed thickly. "Please, love..."
Telling: "Come on baby, sit on my face" Curt said, his voice husky from sexual excitement.

Sidebar to this rule: People don't always talk during sex. They don't always say "fuck me," "kiss me," "I'm coming," etc. They don't always give their lovers instructions every step of the way like "sit on my face," "suck my cock," or "bite my nipples." Sometimes, believe it or not, they just moan/scream nonsensically/bite/claw/whatever. Balance is crucial. Too much talking and you're knee deep in the "telling" trap. I've read whole slash fics that go something like this (and they only wish their punctuation and grammar was as good as mine):

"Kiss me, baby," Joe moaned sexually, and Jim shoved his tongue in Joe's mouth. Jim was pinching Joe's nipples.
"Pinch my nipples harder," Joe grunted hoarsely. Jim did and then Joe grabbed Jim's cock and said, "Put your cock in my ass."
Jim put his cock in Joe's ass and Joe screamed, "Fuck me, baby. Fuck me hard."

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Slash stories need plot. Period. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am is not not good enough. Some of the best slash has pages -- yes, whole pages! -- of plot and characterization before the sex even begins to come into play. And then -- gasp! -- there's more pages after the sex. Even in a slash piece, the sex should be secondary. We have to want to see those characters being intimate.

If you're writing a serious piece, make sure the plot - and all pertaining details - are believable. Once again, this especially pertains to slash. Newsflash for slash writers: most gay men do not carry around bottles of oil/lotion/Vaseline "just in case." In their apartments, yeah, sure. In their cars, maybe, but that's pushing it. In their pockets with their handy "just in case" condoms, no. And I hate to break it to you, but spit and a prayer just ain't gonna cut it. If the encounter is going to be impromptu and take place somewhere like a car or a bathroom, leave it at a blow job/hand job. Anal penetration is not a pre-req for slash.

Cross fandom writing is okay as long as the characters you're putting together make sense. Xena and Hercules are obviously okay. X-Files and, say, Forever Knight would be interesting. But a Xena and X-Files crossover is not okay, unless you're doing a parody. See the difference?

Recently I was privy to a story challenge posted on a slash fic mailing list that went something like this: Mark Renton (Trainspotting) meets Curt Wild (Velvet Goldmine). There are two things that are very wrong with this. First, Trainspotting takes place in the 90s. Velvet Goldmine takes place in the late 60s-1984. Granted, Curt may still be alive and kicking in the 90s, but he'd be a has-been rock star in his forties. What's going to draw us in about these two meeting? True, there's the whole heroin angle to work, but the challenge was directed to a slash fic list, so the intent was for these two to end up in bed together. Sorry, I just don't see it.
Second problem with this particular crossover is that Mark Renton and Curt Wild are played by the same actor. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that masturbation? Gives new meaning to "go fuck yourself."

Sex-by-numbers is not erotic, it's pornographic. Know the difference. This goes back to the "show, don't tell" rule. Pornography tells, erotica shows. Pornography is an introductory paragraph and then four pages of graphic sex. Erotica is plot, characterization, then sex, usually more poetic and less graphic than pornography. Don't label your story "erotic" if it's really pornographic. It's misleading & unprofessional, and that makes for unhappy readers. In the immortal words of my partner-in-crime, "And then he did this, and he licked his nipples, and he sucked his cock" is sex-by-numbers porn. It's boring. Erotic stories hardly, if ever, use words like "cunt," "dick," "balls," and "asshole." Same for words like "shoved," "jammed," "grabbed," and "rammed." And please, I beg of you, whether you're writing porn or erotica, don't ever use phrases like "pulsing love stick." That's not erotic or pornographic. It's just silly. Some examples:

Pornography: "He then grabbed the base of his cock with one hand and began to shove inside Brian Slade's ass. Brian felt the thick cock ram inside him... Curt's wildness took over and he shoved inside Brian's ass."
Erotica: "Curt surged upwards and slowly entered him... The fluid lunge and withdraw of his rhythm drowned out everything else... Nothing mattered but Curt and Curt's cock and the soft sounds he made, sounds of animal pleasure, low and deep and moving."

Parody pieces have only one rule of their own: make it funny. That's what parodies are about.

There is a fairly well-known, basic rule of "assume the reader knows nothing." Do not apply this rule to fan fic. If you're writing fan fic, and people are reading it, they're familiar with your fandom. Trust me. No one is going to go out and read fan fic about a show/movie/character they don't know. Fan fic should be written in a way that it could be passed off as original fiction without a hitch. Which means that you only need to say enough to give people a general idea of a character's background. You do not need to give every detail of a character's history in the context of your story.

Do not: (this is dialogue from one character to another: "I wanted you and loved you from the first day I saw you. It was the outdoor concert in the park, and you dropped your black leather pants to the crowd. I remember thinking one day I was going to find you and we were going to be a together."
Do: "I've wanted you since the first time I saw you."

Okay, so in a perfect world, trite dialogue like that wouldn't even exist, but if you're going to say it, say it simply. Don't make bad dialogue even worse by embellishing it with basic details from your fandom.

If you start off writing a fan fic piece and find the characters or plot veering off into something those characters would never say/do, go with it. It's what happens when you start being creative and imaginative -- whole new characters invent themselves. Don't be afraid of it, just take a few deep breaths and see where it goes. There's a difference between swiping someone else's creativity (i.e., stealing their characters) and using those characters as stepping stones to creating your own.

The only time creating your own character is bad is when it's a Mary Sue. What's a Mary Sue? you ask? A Mary Sue is a character created by authors that is little more than a thinly-veiled, fictionalized version of themselves. These are often the mysterious one-night stands that pop up in fan fic -- the beautiful stranger in the bar, the ruggedly handsome limo driver, etc. Mary Sue stories usually go something like this: they meet, they admire each other's good looks for a paragraph or two, and then they're having wild sex. The next morning, one of them wakes to find the other gone, and is heartbroken. Now, not all Mary Sue stories are bad, and not all characters created by fan fic authors are Mary Sues, but just because there are exceptions to rules doesn't mean we can ignore them.

Use flashbacks sparingly, and use them wisely. Don't do lengthy flashbacks to scenes where basic information about the character(s) is the main focus. As I've said before, people who are reading your fan fiction are, in all probability, already fans. They don't need to be spoon-fed the basics. For example, if the first time the two characters meet is a definitive scene in the movie/tv show that the characters are from, don't flash back to it and describe it in excruciating detail. It's unnecessary. It's fine to allude to the scene, but don't overdo it. On the other hand, it's fine to expand on a short scene from the movie/show the characters are from. But again, don't overdo it.

- Virginia